Friday, November 26, 2010

my first college heart-break


and Happy Thanksgiving to y'all!
so... time for a juicy post!

First of all, I wanna let you know that I've kinda sorted out the issues with my roommate. I talked with my RA, the director of my dorms building and the college director of housing. Now they all know I am gay (ha ha ha) and support me. It's fantastic to pull out the emotions card and make myself sound vulnerable and in need. So at the end I decided to schedule a one-on-one with my roommate in order to talk through everything and let him know what exactly bothers me and how I want us to respect each other more. So he was very cooperative (yay!) and now he's gonna unbunk the beds while I am away for the Thanksgiving break and from now on, he will no longer share my personal life with anyone!

Going back to the juicy talk.. so I wanna tell you guys about this boy named David. He is like my bestest friend at university. We have a lot in common (same uni schedule - we have the same major, same general interests, same sexual orientation, similar childhood experiences, etc...) We hang out together all the time. We walk to/from class together, study together, go for meals together, watch movies together, etc... We are kinda inseparable. We have the same group of friends and everyone loves us and thinks we are the cutest thing ever. We are both closeted gays so people think there's just bromance between us. Anyway, we are attracted to each other and have fooled around at some points (not all the way though). However, David has many interpersonal issues including not being able to move on after his break-up with a boyfriend he once had. As his bestest friend, I've been there for him and helped him through a lot. We both see a counselor to talk about our life challenges and set up goals. I used to see  the counselor before David and when I realized how helpful he is, I recommended him to David. David had been making great progress since then. I have developed serious feelings for him but he seems that he has not developed his feelings for me as much. He does tell me that he's attracted to me and whatnot but it does not seem like he wants me as badly as I want him. According to what my counselor has told me and what David tells me too, he does not want me to be more than his bestest friend. He is afraid that us becoming boyfriends (and if things don't turn out that well) that we'd lose the amazing friendship we've been building. So I've been there for him as a great friend and he doesn't wanna let me evolve to something more... It really hurts, given that I am ready to do anything to make him my boyfriend... But there's really nothing I can do but accept his wish and so I am trying to move on. I wish I could meet someone that I would like (and like me back) soon enough which would help me move on faster... I really HAVE to move on coz I would never ever want to me with someone who wouldn't like me as much as I would like him or want me as badly. I know I am a good catch and if David doesn't want me to be more than his best friend, then it's his loss!

By the way I am in New York City for Thanksgiving break and I am there with David, in an apartment, sleeping on the same bed! Could life be any more hurtful?



wayner said...

You seem to have a pretty good attitude about your relationship with David, Sam. As far as David is concerned, it does take many months to get over infatuation with an ex. But do remember that the courtship process is sometimes a long one, going from good friends to lover. Lots of str8 guys have the same situation. Maybe you guys will progress to a little messing around, but don't rush it and enjoy having a close friend and confidant. Be sure to keep your studies top priority. bfn - Wayne :)

B. said...

Great news for your roomie...

And now to that new guy. Well, if he wishes to stay friends, PLEASE respect that wish, cause from personal experience it's maybe better to be friend with someone. Maybe later, when David realises that he wants something more with you, you can start building a relationship and after that that relationship can be even BETTER from this one you could start building right now (I mean if you start to build a love-relationship)... I hope you understood me :)

And it really is hard to stay friends after breakup, believe me, especially if you are having stronger feelings toward someone after the breakup... That shit is hard...


And oh yeah, I don't celebrate Thanksgiving (but maybe I will start cause it sounds nice), but I want to thank you for being there as my online friend, I love our conversations, and I love reading your blog and just knowing that you are here, even though we have never met and dunno, I like you... :) And I feel kinda embarrassed now cause this will be public here at blog, but I don't care, I wanna share it with you and the rest people who read it... See ya online :)