Friday, November 26, 2010

my first college heart-break

Hello...

and Happy Thanksgiving to y'all!
so... time for a juicy post!

First of all, I wanna let you know that I've kinda sorted out the issues with my roommate. I talked with my RA, the director of my dorms building and the college director of housing. Now they all know I am gay (ha ha ha) and support me. It's fantastic to pull out the emotions card and make myself sound vulnerable and in need. So at the end I decided to schedule a one-on-one with my roommate in order to talk through everything and let him know what exactly bothers me and how I want us to respect each other more. So he was very cooperative (yay!) and now he's gonna unbunk the beds while I am away for the Thanksgiving break and from now on, he will no longer share my personal life with anyone!

Going back to the juicy talk.. so I wanna tell you guys about this boy named David. He is like my bestest friend at university. We have a lot in common (same uni schedule - we have the same major, same general interests, same sexual orientation, similar childhood experiences, etc...) We hang out together all the time. We walk to/from class together, study together, go for meals together, watch movies together, etc... We are kinda inseparable. We have the same group of friends and everyone loves us and thinks we are the cutest thing ever. We are both closeted gays so people think there's just bromance between us. Anyway, we are attracted to each other and have fooled around at some points (not all the way though). However, David has many interpersonal issues including not being able to move on after his break-up with a boyfriend he once had. As his bestest friend, I've been there for him and helped him through a lot. We both see a counselor to talk about our life challenges and set up goals. I used to see  the counselor before David and when I realized how helpful he is, I recommended him to David. David had been making great progress since then. I have developed serious feelings for him but he seems that he has not developed his feelings for me as much. He does tell me that he's attracted to me and whatnot but it does not seem like he wants me as badly as I want him. According to what my counselor has told me and what David tells me too, he does not want me to be more than his bestest friend. He is afraid that us becoming boyfriends (and if things don't turn out that well) that we'd lose the amazing friendship we've been building. So I've been there for him as a great friend and he doesn't wanna let me evolve to something more... It really hurts, given that I am ready to do anything to make him my boyfriend... But there's really nothing I can do but accept his wish and so I am trying to move on. I wish I could meet someone that I would like (and like me back) soon enough which would help me move on faster... I really HAVE to move on coz I would never ever want to me with someone who wouldn't like me as much as I would like him or want me as badly. I know I am a good catch and if David doesn't want me to be more than his best friend, then it's his loss!


By the way I am in New York City for Thanksgiving break and I am there with David, in an apartment, sleeping on the same bed! Could life be any more hurtful?


Best,
Sam

Friday, November 19, 2010

Roommate issues

Hey!

So since I haven't blogged in a while, I thought Imma be posting slowly by slowly about people that have been playing part in my college life and somehow affecting it - positively or negatively. Now Imma write about my roommate. So let's give him the name Mario. So Mario is gay (as I told ya before). He used to say he's bi at first but one time I sat him down and asked him if he would ever do a chick. He said "Hell no. Vaginas are disgusting!" So I made him admit he's gay and not bi. By the way he works at the college LGBTQ center and he's quite out and about.

When I traveled a few weeks back for that conference, he bunked the beds in our room without asking me first. That pissed me a lot. Now every time I mention the topic (i.e. finding a compromise or so) he says yeah yeah and changes the topic or leaves the room. I can no longer study on my bed coz of the little lighting it has and I keep hitting my head... (he took the top bed! Ugh!).

Anywayz, that's not the only thing he's done to piss me off, beside the fact that his friends come over to my room to pre-game almost every weekend and the fact that he once got soooo wasted and vomitted all over the room. 2 weeks ago, I found out from a good friend of mine (to whom I came out lately but told her to keep it a secret) that he's been outing to people without my permission. I GOT SOOOO ANGRY! So the story is that he's told his 3 close friends and also other people from my floor -- randomly. When I confronted him he did not show much caring and went like: "What's done now is done! There's nothing much you can do no, Sam! I'm  sorry... Get over it!" WHAT THE FUCK!!?!? He clearly cannot relate to my situation since we  come from different cultures and backgrounds and if being has been easy for him, it has been PAIN IN THE ASS for me (not the good type lol). All in all, he never really cared to find out more about my issues and why exactly I cannot be out. I really do not want my parents to find out because that's not something I plan on doing in this lifetime (facebook is dangerous + I have a cousin who goes to my same college). So I've talked with my RA (residential assistant) about this incident and she's lesbian by the way. She showed me her support and has communicated the issue with the other RA and the dorms' director (and they're both gay). We might end up having a mitigated discussion with my roommate and one of them (I cannot really talk with my roommate by himself because it hurts to talk with him and sense his careless attitude). Moreover, I am meeting with the dorms' director this afternoon -- he wanted to check on me and go through some possible solutions. Changing roommate might be one approach (because I can no longer trust my roommate and hence I do not feel very safe in my room).

Yesterday night, when I got back to my room, I found out that my roommate has left me cupcakes and a letter on my desk. In the letter he apologized again and talked about how it's been awkward between us lately. He said he hopes I can forgive him and that I do not lose trust in him. I texted him saying: it takes courage and enough caring to write that letter, which I really appreciate. There's so much going on my mind right now and I need time to think through things. Don't mind the awkwardness. Somehow, at the end of the day, everything would be alright. I really don't know how to feel about this whole issue and I don't know how to behave, react, etc....

That's it for now. I gotta run for class

Love,
Sam

Imma be back

Hello y'all

Have you missed me?
So I just thought of coming back to blog world because -- truth be told -- I need to blog from time to time as no matter how many friends and counselors I have out there, sometimes I just need to vent out stuff without having them commenting or even knowing about the stuff on my mind. I understand that I haven't blogged in ages, which means there's a lot to update you about but Imma be able to do that shortly and trust me... despite the tons of things which happened.. I'm still myself deep down and my journey of struggles is not gonna end any soon. There's a lot on my mind right now... some sadness yet some achievements... and many goals to work for.

I have a lot of exams before Thanksgiving break so I might not write much before then but please do stay tuned coz Sam is back! =)