Sunday, October 10, 2010

I MISSED YOU!

Hello everybody!

I missed you all - so much! FML I don't know how to put into words all that I feel. I would like to assure you all that I am doing great. College is treating me great. I already have my circle of close friends - we call ourselves a family. I have a few crushes, but I don't feel ready for anything serious at the moment - I am still kinda emotionally drained. I am not out nor in - I am just myself. I am sure my close friends suspect I am gay but no one asked me directly in the face yet (one actually did but that's when he was drunk so I said No) and I don't know how to react when they do. But I know they did talk behind my back once about whether I am gay or not lol and this didn't make me feel bad or anything. A girl friend asked my roomie if I am gay and he told her he doesn't know (coz that's what I asked him to say). They'll probably find out soon enough.

Besides, my classes are good. They're very demanding coz I am taking pre-med but I am hoping to develop the discipline of work ethics and not let shitload of work pile up. I've had two exams so far and I got 2 As (Human Bio + Chemistry). Besides, the campus is gorgeous! I love it, despite the fact that I have so much running around to do as I go from class to class. It's ok though... I'll have sexy legs and freshmen 15 hopefully won't affect me :)

My roommate and I get along well but he doesn't seem like the guy who would be there for me when I need a heart-to-heart convo. He used to say he's bisexual but we all know that he's plain gay. He's like very flamboyant and social but totally not my type (slightly fem, very skinny, baby looking, well he's good looking but not hot enough for me). He knows I am gay and we joke around and gossip but he doesn't show too much caring when I try to tell him deep stuff about me. But that's OK coz we're friendly with each other and all has been under control (except when he gets sooo drunk, which is not happening as often anymore).

I am getting in touch with my parents from time to time. They miss me so much... Surprisingly, I am not homesick at all :/ Yay! They say I don't talk to them enough but that's mainly coz of time difference and the very little time I ever get to spend online. I dunno... I've been cold with them ever since I started accepting myself and I don't know how to combat this.

I am wondering whether to come out fully... there are many factors that come to play when I think about it. I am seeing an LGBTQ counselor once a week to talk about my issues and I have joined a confidential gay discussion group that my counselor organizes - We meet once a week and talk about our lives.

I don't know what else to ramble about... You guys got any question?

Another reason for which I haven't posted in ages (beside how busy college is) is that I am thinking about not blogging anymore. It's been such a journey and I don't know how to thank you guys for all the support you've  provided me with. There are many reasons that have lead me to deciding not to blog anymore and I am happy to discuss them with you if you're interested. I feel like now I need to work on my in-person friendships and relationships. It's a new chapter in my life and I wanna try to build strong friendships that would last and bring me happiness. To blog or not to blog.... I am even thinking about starting a whole new blog if I get time... Bleh! I dunno what to do.


HUGS!!
Sam

6 comments:

Phunk Factor said...

While I do recommend real-time relationship in comparison to the ones u build here...but if u ever need to vent out...u got the blog and it's reader!!!

Stay safe and have a great time in college!!! :D

bradleywillem said...

I should go and stop blogging and work on you irl relationships, that is where you get the love from you actually can feel..

And actually i agree with Phunk Factor.

Cool youve posted...

And a plus of coming out is that you officially can look for a bf.. and maybe you (or for sure) you get the hotter ones if everyone knows youre gay.. but thats just im opinion.

Micky said...

You sound OK - which is good to know, so thanks for telling us!

I've generally found honesty to be the best policy when it comes to people asking whether you're gay or not - so think on.

Once you've told the first person then that person will always be there to talk to if the second turns out to be unfriendly.

If guys around you are talking about who is or isn't gay then, since it doesn't sound hostile, maybe you'd face no difficulties.

JSL said...

glad to see youre still alive !! and having fun at Uni.

As for the blog.do what makes you feel happy..if you feel that youve got what you need from the blog, maybe put it in hiatus for a while.. your counsellor should be there to give you a real life support.


In the mean time, Take care

james
x

wayner said...

I am glad things are going well for you Sam; pre-med would be demanding and you need to focus on your studies. Do call your parents and talk occasionally; be 'warm' not 'cold' and you will have the moral high ground. It sounds like you are getting the support and councelling you need in dealing with the sexuality issue; that is good. You are on the right track; as time goes by the big picture will become clearer. Why not keep your blog (or redo it); just post whenever you feel like it and have the time. bfn - Wayne :) (I just bought a new Triumph Street Triple R and I am having a great time with it!)

B. said...

I am just myself - the best sentence of this post... Keep being yourself and everything will be great, you'll see :) Don't bother yourself with anything and don't stress yourself...

And I'm sad to see that even there in US people are discussing gayness, I mean, it's normal thing and I feel bad cause it's such a big deal, I mean, people, did you ever commented and gossiped about someone being straight, no, so stop being "openminded" nation by doing that behind someone back... But I like your reaction, I would react the same way.

Good job on your As :))) I'm so glad because of you

I totally understand you with this coldness you are feeling and after coming out to them, the coldness becames even harder and stronger, which is even sader, but it's just like that cause I got disappointed... but that's my story...

Please continue to blog, you don't know what you can do with this blog in future, keep record of your life, your difficult periods and simply your hard gay moments throught life... I will talk about this when I see you online, to explain why I don't want to stop blogging, even though I'm also making this huge pauses... :)