Thursday, August 19, 2010

juicy updates!


OMG… so much has been happening. I NEED to update you guys! Sorry for not posting in a while. I was busy and kinda lazy… Imma make it up now with a LONG post, full of juicy updates.

Coming out to Mom n sisters?
So I didn't REALLY come out to Mom and sisters. They definitely thought I was joking coz they never mentioned it again. Well... they also kinda asked it in a joking way (when they did) which is probably why they didn't take me seriously when I said my "yes". I am sure they didn’t believe me coz they still talk to me about having a girlfrriend and getting married, etc. But oh well, I am not complaining coz I am not ready AT ALL to deal with coming out to my family at this stage of my life and I really rather leave it for when I am done with my studies and no longer need to live with them (although these are not the reasons why I don't wanna come out to them, I’m somehow financially independent by the way). I simply don't want to upset them coz if I confirm to them that I am gay then they would be sad forever... I know that they're suspicious about me and all but they're in huge denial and trying to ignore it. You know.. being gay to them is like a disease that is faaaar from reaching our family. So I won’t come out to them any soon! Thank God I live abroad… Less than a week of hiding is left!!

Family time
So in the past few days I got to bond with my family. We went on road trips here and there, went to restaurants, went to church, etc. I hope they liked it. I’m so blessed to have such a tight family and I feel so bad to be kinda cold and detached with them but I can’t help it. I also hate how not so religious I’ve become. I actually miss that spirituality I used to feel before I started accepting myself. I used to pray more and feel the divine presence around me…  I miss that feeling but at the same time I understand that it’s natural for young people to go through such questioning phases and become not-so-religious… I just hope I get that spirituality again soon! By the way I went out for dinner at this very fancy restaurant yesterday night, with Mom and sis. The food was great, at the candle light and I am sure Mom loved being with me and my sis for the night. Moreover, I’ve been partying a lot with my older sister and her friends are really cool. They all like me! Yay! I can see that there are some closeted gay guys in their circle of friends haha. It’s so funny to look them in the eyes and have thoughts in mind! ;)

Sandra and Mark
Sandra passed by my place last week with her gay friend Rudi. It was a surprise to me coz she didn’t tell me they’re coming so I was glad to see her. We talked and laughed. I was able to be myself with them and so it felt good. Apparently, Rudi was my classmate when I was in KG2 coz he saw our class photo in my room haha. Tiny world! By the way I am VERY angry at Sandra coz we haven’t hung out much together this summer. Before I came back she always used to tell me about how much fun we’re gonna have together and how we’ll get together very often and now I realize I’ve only seen her like twice and I’m about to leave soon! I won’t even ask to see her and say Bye if she doesn’t initiate!! :/
Gay Mark still chats to me now and then. We still haven’t met up and I don’t think we will… I don’t really care to.  He told me a few days ago while we were chatting that he knows I’m Bi although I’ve never come out to him. He also said he wouldn’t believe me if I said: NO! I didn’t deny it or anything… He’s got a good gaydar, I know! Haha

I still didn’t finish the book(s) I need to read before college and I’m moving there in less than a week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! I am so excited yet a bit anxious too. I hope I look decent on the moving in week coz looks do have quite an influence as we meet people for the first time. I am already friends with a number of freshmen over there (some of whom are gay) and so I hope our first encouter doesn’t feel awkward. We’ve been chatting for some time but we may not be able to ignore the awkwardness at first. FML. I started sorting out my packing today coz I have kinda finished all my necessary shopping and I have lotsa new and sexy clothes so I’m happy!! (Mom complained about how much clothes I have lol) There will be a lot of stuff to do as soon as I get to the states: open a bank account, buy a phone + number, buy a laptop, buy my uni books, shop for dorm stuff, sign up for courses and other activities, etc. I am not sure if I’ll get to blog then… but I’ll try my best. My roommate and I are gonna get along so well, I can feel it!! haha I am sure he's gay! :P

So lately I’ve been feeling quite happy about myself and my life. I really can’t compplain coz everything seems to be going well and I’m quite happy with what I’ve got. To make things even better!! I just heard that I got selected to travel for this global conference thing (I won’t mention its name) which is VERY highly reputated. So I’d get to meet world leaders from all walks of life and represent the youth of my country and region. I have lots of speaking roles to attend so they want me to go there for training a week before the forum starts (which is in 2 months). I hope my college professors give me permission to be absent from class for that long coz I don’t wanna miss that amazing opportunity.

So that's more or less what I've been up to... Please comment and let me know what you think... and give me advice!! Hope all is going well on your side!!



Branden said...

oh wow, congratulations on the global leadership thingee :)

wayner said...

I'm glad you finally posted Sam! I had visions of your parents sending you to a homophobic shrink to 'cure' you, or even worse a 'pray out the gay' religious treatment lol. I think you are doing it right by keeping it a gradual thing. They have their suspicions but let them live in denial until your education is completed; by then it won't be a big shock.
-Being homosexual doesn't mean you can't have religious faith and values. Old Testament homophobic references should be considered within the context of the times, and Jesus did not put down people's sexuality and He did not like hypocracy. Most organised religions want large families so as to increase the power of their church, and that is the main reason they are against homosexuality. (go figure in this over-populated world!) And churches are great for meditation and thought, and that includes some religious teachings that you might not agree with.
-When you get to the States be careful with your personal and financial information, and make sure you are dealing with reputable people. Scams and con artists abound. Be wary if people are too nosy or ask for money up front for some dubious need or offer. Don't be suckered, always check things out. Hopefully none of that will happen but always keep it in the back of your mind. When you get to my age nothing will surprise you anymore lol.
-Don't make the fatal mistake of partying and putting your social life ahead of your studies.(that is how my brother flunked out of university) It takes a lot of work on your own and sacrifice to make it. bfn - Wayne :)

Micky said...

Yeah well - so here you are living in two worlds. I am so happy that you have people in your life that you can relate to as a gay guy. They are so important for your sanity and your future.

Your family is on-going BUT it represents your past - as probably does religion of the sort you've been involved with. Not all 'church' is the same, of course, so if you used to find spiritual feelings and want to try to recapture them, you might try finding yourself a gay-friendly church where you can be an honest believer.

Things are looking up and it looks like you are starting to make this separation in your life and in your thoughts. It's certainly what you need to do as a sane and intelligent gay man.

Derric said...

Woh that pretty lot happenings...congratulations on you being chosen to represent your region...cheers dude...... & all the very best for college

D@vid @ndrew Del@cruz said...

Hi Sam: I think that's the coolest thing I've ever read about you being chosen to participate in the global conference. That is so awesome. Do you actually visit each country? Or does the represenatives of each country come to where you're at and you speak to them? Either way, it sounds exciting. Which countries participate in the global conference?

B. said...

Maybe they get the point, but the point is to hard to handle, so they are trying to lie themselves by prettening it's a joke. You should talk to them openly if this continues to bother you. If not, remain quiet, or dunno...

And my commeent about religion. I believe in God and I respect God, but on my personal way, as I maybe said to you this before... Well, to be honest, I don't believe in God as God, I just believe in something supernatural, some Force which makes this world going... Something like that, so I also stopped with prayers, dunno, don't see the point in them. Only my feelings of respecting and loving that Force is enough for that Force to be satisfied, I think. I believe in Him/It/Her whatever... on my own way and omg, it looks like I started my own religion right now LOL... never mind, I'm bit weird and complicated with that, we should chat next time about that...