Monday, August 23, 2010

off to a new chapter

Hello!

PS: Very quick post.
I am traveling tonight to the US... College here I come!
I have mixed feelings... excitement and anxiety. But I am sure everything will be alright. I am excited to meet all the new friends I've met online, especially my roommate who will be waiting for me there, already...

Please wish me all the best! May God bless my family and keep them safe. And may God enlighten my way there...

I hope I get to post soon enough despite how busy and hectic my first week(s) will be.

Love, always
Sam

Thursday, August 19, 2010

juicy updates!

Hello!

OMG… so much has been happening. I NEED to update you guys! Sorry for not posting in a while. I was busy and kinda lazy… Imma make it up now with a LONG post, full of juicy updates.

Coming out to Mom n sisters?
So I didn't REALLY come out to Mom and sisters. They definitely thought I was joking coz they never mentioned it again. Well... they also kinda asked it in a joking way (when they did) which is probably why they didn't take me seriously when I said my "yes". I am sure they didn’t believe me coz they still talk to me about having a girlfrriend and getting married, etc. But oh well, I am not complaining coz I am not ready AT ALL to deal with coming out to my family at this stage of my life and I really rather leave it for when I am done with my studies and no longer need to live with them (although these are not the reasons why I don't wanna come out to them, I’m somehow financially independent by the way). I simply don't want to upset them coz if I confirm to them that I am gay then they would be sad forever... I know that they're suspicious about me and all but they're in huge denial and trying to ignore it. You know.. being gay to them is like a disease that is faaaar from reaching our family. So I won’t come out to them any soon! Thank God I live abroad… Less than a week of hiding is left!!


Family time
So in the past few days I got to bond with my family. We went on road trips here and there, went to restaurants, went to church, etc. I hope they liked it. I’m so blessed to have such a tight family and I feel so bad to be kinda cold and detached with them but I can’t help it. I also hate how not so religious I’ve become. I actually miss that spirituality I used to feel before I started accepting myself. I used to pray more and feel the divine presence around me…  I miss that feeling but at the same time I understand that it’s natural for young people to go through such questioning phases and become not-so-religious… I just hope I get that spirituality again soon! By the way I went out for dinner at this very fancy restaurant yesterday night, with Mom and sis. The food was great, at the candle light and I am sure Mom loved being with me and my sis for the night. Moreover, I’ve been partying a lot with my older sister and her friends are really cool. They all like me! Yay! I can see that there are some closeted gay guys in their circle of friends haha. It’s so funny to look them in the eyes and have thoughts in mind! ;)



Sandra and Mark
Sandra passed by my place last week with her gay friend Rudi. It was a surprise to me coz she didn’t tell me they’re coming so I was glad to see her. We talked and laughed. I was able to be myself with them and so it felt good. Apparently, Rudi was my classmate when I was in KG2 coz he saw our class photo in my room haha. Tiny world! By the way I am VERY angry at Sandra coz we haven’t hung out much together this summer. Before I came back she always used to tell me about how much fun we’re gonna have together and how we’ll get together very often and now I realize I’ve only seen her like twice and I’m about to leave soon! I won’t even ask to see her and say Bye if she doesn’t initiate!! :/
Gay Mark still chats to me now and then. We still haven’t met up and I don’t think we will… I don’t really care to.  He told me a few days ago while we were chatting that he knows I’m Bi although I’ve never come out to him. He also said he wouldn’t believe me if I said: NO! I didn’t deny it or anything… He’s got a good gaydar, I know! Haha


College:
I still didn’t finish the book(s) I need to read before college and I’m moving there in less than a week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! I am so excited yet a bit anxious too. I hope I look decent on the moving in week coz looks do have quite an influence as we meet people for the first time. I am already friends with a number of freshmen over there (some of whom are gay) and so I hope our first encouter doesn’t feel awkward. We’ve been chatting for some time but we may not be able to ignore the awkwardness at first. FML. I started sorting out my packing today coz I have kinda finished all my necessary shopping and I have lotsa new and sexy clothes so I’m happy!! (Mom complained about how much clothes I have lol) There will be a lot of stuff to do as soon as I get to the states: open a bank account, buy a phone + number, buy a laptop, buy my uni books, shop for dorm stuff, sign up for courses and other activities, etc. I am not sure if I’ll get to blog then… but I’ll try my best. My roommate and I are gonna get along so well, I can feel it!! haha I am sure he's gay! :P



FANTASTIC NEWS:
So lately I’ve been feeling quite happy about myself and my life. I really can’t compplain coz everything seems to be going well and I’m quite happy with what I’ve got. To make things even better!! I just heard that I got selected to travel for this global conference thing (I won’t mention its name) which is VERY highly reputated. So I’d get to meet world leaders from all walks of life and represent the youth of my country and region. I have lots of speaking roles to attend so they want me to go there for training a week before the forum starts (which is in 2 months). I hope my college professors give me permission to be absent from class for that long coz I don’t wanna miss that amazing opportunity.



So that's more or less what I've been up to... Please comment and let me know what you think... and give me advice!! Hope all is going well on your side!!

Sam

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I came out to my Mom and sisters

GOOD DAY!

So how is everybody doing? 
You've actually read it right. I think I've come out to my Mom and sisters... Lemme tell you how that went:
So I spent yesterday at my aunt's place coz I was giving her son some Maths lessons since he's kinda weak in that. The rest of my family came over after lunch to chill. My mom was tired (she gets migraine) so she went to take a nap. Later, my sisters and I went to the room where Mom was sleeping to check on her.. so we sat on  the bed next to hers and we were all talking, gossiping and joking. Then my sister asked me why have I straightened my hair and styled it in an emo-look. She said it looks gay. So I said I just find it cool and sexy :P Then my sisters and Mom went on about how I seem a bit weird lately. So out of the blue I told them: "I'm thinking about giving belly dance lessons for my friends at college. haha" They all laughed and so I was like: "Put on some music so I show you how well I dance." My older sister (Christene) started looking for appropriate music on her phone and then Mom asked me: "Sam, are you gay?" My sisters stopped and stared... I didn't reply, so Christene added: "Are you gay or maybe Bi?". I smiled and said "Yes!" and went quiet a bit... Then I kinda changed the topic and they never mentioned it again. 

So... I didn't lie! right? Maybe they took it as a joke or something... coz like being gay is a disease in my family's book. It's this alien thing that is too far from reaching my family. And they reacted really cool about my "yes" and didn't ask me to elaborate or anything... so they probably didn't take me seriously. I don't know :/

That same day I went out in the evening with my sister's guy friend. He offered to take me out coz my sister was busy and couldn't go along. Plus he said he finds me cool so I was like Yay! lol He took me to this pub where he sings and offered me two double Vodka glasses. I just chilled by the bar, observed people and had time to think. I didn't sleep much at night when I got back coz I was thinking - plus it was too hot!! I went to bed at 3 and stayed awake until 6. I only fell asleep for like 3 hours coz I was awake by 9. Oh there's a guy I wanna talk to you about!! I think he's Bi and I'm going out to see him tonight. We're going for karaoke but I won't go gay or anything. I'll stay under the radar and enjoy the eye-candy lol So I'm going now for a shower and get ready. I'll ask him if there are Gaga or Adam Lambert songs and see how he reacts HAHA

LOVE YA!
Sam

Thursday, August 5, 2010

lemme update you!

Hello Fellas!

I haven't posted much lately coz I've been lazy... but I'll tel you in this post about major things that happened...
So last week I've been bonding not so badly with my family. I hope they're noticing this... My mom is no longer fussing about me being online as often. *wondering why* and I've been trying to be a good boy with them. Less than 3 weeks left for college! YAY!

On Sunday, I pulled out a Joe Jonas' look: white pants, V-neck purple T-shirt, Black vest-coat, white n black Vans shoes. And of course I had my accessories on... I did look quite gay but I really don't give a damn! I was around extended family all day long. We had lunch with my father's side of the family and later in the evening we went to my mom's side of the family for coffee and chat... This cousin of mine (call him E.K) made some annoying comment about Adam Lambert by randomly telling everybody that he's "pédé" (diminutive for pedophile) which is a term, quite commonly used in my country to refer to gay guys. I HATE it! So I was like... "He's not pédé! He's gay!" so EK was like: "Oh well... it doesn't matter... he's a fag!" I was quite angry... not necessarily coz I felt like he's demeaning me indirectly but rather coz I hate how narrow minded these people around me are. I want them out of my life!! Now I really dislike this cousin! He's 22 ffs and a university student. He really should be more open-minded... unless he's got something to hide or he is in denial.... eh? Let me not worry about him for now. He's so not worth my time and energy! So EK and other cousins of mine suggested we go altogether to the beach on Tuesday and I kinda didn't hear them talking about that... Later, my sis invited me to go with her bf to the beach, also on Tuesday so I decided to do that instead. My Mom and younger siblings went to the beach with my aunts and cousins on Tuesday, while I went with my sis and her bf. My cousins were all cross at me coz they were like: "We all took today off so we can get to chill with Sam, bla bla bla." But I am really glad I didn't go with them coz they always think that I don't have a life and such. Moreover, I know I wouldn't have had fun with them. They behave like such stupid alpha males and I just hate that in them. I really had a good time on the beach with my sis, her bf, and a guy friend of theirs. I sun-bathed and got a nice color. yay hot! We swam a little and then went back to our place after having stopped at some restaurant for food. The guy friends saw that I have shaved the upper parts  of my legs and wondered why so I told them it was just out of boredom :P which is kinda true. OMG! I have also shaved the hair around my tummy and now re-growth is killing me so freakin' much. It's so itchy and just plain annoying. My sister knew and asked me why on earth have I messed it up... she says there's no turning back and that now I've messed it up for good so I don't know how to deal with it. Any tips? I really dislike body hair on me... I wanna remain a twink!!

My sister (Christene) asked me 2 days ago about why haven't we chatted about my romance life abroad yet. She really wants me to tell her all about my adventures and such... so she's always like: "What's your girlfriend's name? Have you guys broken up? Why? How does she look?" etc etc. She also wants me to show her the video clip I prepared for my gf... she knew I did something like that coz she wants me to teach her how to prepare one for her bf... But the things is, she has NO IDEA that I actually don't have a gf... but an idk-bf! haha So should I come out to her? I guess not.... idk FML!!!

Yesterday night we had people over for dinner. Some extended family were there too. I had a good time and ate sooo much. OMG I love how skinny I am. I am not like anorexic skinny but I don't have belly fat and such. I eat so much yet I don't grow fat! How lucky!! I tried my sisters' jeans on me the other day and they all fitted me so well. Mind you, my sisters are also fit and have a nice body! So imagine!! If only I could get some chest and arms muscle (plus a few packs haha). That would really boost my self confidence. I am trying to do some push-ups now and then but Oh well... I'll never get the muscles I would like to see on me. My next boy (or rather boys) would better like me just how I am!

OOOOH! I forgot to mention that I got an email from college yesterday. It's about the welcoming week for freshmen and they wanted to take my permission to use my story (extracts from the personal statement I sent while applying) for this play they're preparing for all college students and faculty. It's meant to be a play that would reflect the diverse backgrounds of the student body and they believe my story is quite something. I'd tell you about it if you're interested...

That's kinda it for now. I've got some exciting news to tell you next time I blog! Stay tuned!

Lots of love,
Sam