(PS: 2nd post for today)
So I got back home this early morning. My parents fetched me from the airport and shortly after we greeted and hugged, they directly started picking on my hair which is kinda long. I went to gay bars in the last weeks for several times and I always used to take good care of my looks there so I’d wear sexy clothes (not fem though), and straighten my hair, fixing it in an emo-ish look. I took photos and 2 of them ended up being successive profile pictures of mine. ALL my international friends totally loved my look and thought it’s cool/sexy/hot… and that was good for my ego! I also loved how I looked.
However, all people in my extended family have been apparently gossiping about me and saying that I look gay… they all asked my siblings and parents: “What’s wrong with Sam? “ and “Why does he look so gay lately…?” My parents also think that I look like a ‘fag’ and ‘pedophile’ (yeah, they called me pedophile coz they’re so ignorant about the issue and very offensive towards LGBTQ people). They obviously are extremely embarrassed and pissed at me right now. They keep asking me to remove those photos ASAP! This is irritating me BIG time!!! I might easily lose my anger next time we discuss my looks and then I may not be able to prevent myself from telling my family: “I AM gay, actually!! And please Fuck off!” My Mom is gonna take me to the hair dresser tomorrow to get an ‘intellectual look’ (that’s how she calls me having a short stupid hairstyle). She says she wants her old Sammy back!!!
What is hurting me further is that some of my older cousins (in their twenties) who I always thought they are liberal and would understand/support me if I were to come out to them have also been gossiping about me looking gay… I can never explain to my family the reality of being gay nor can I evr enlighten them about how homosexuality is not a choice nor a sin/disease. FUCK MY LIFE!!!
I just came back home after being away for 6 months and that’s the type of situation my thought-to-be-beloved ones are putting me in. In feel like a fish outside the water… I feel so out of place in my own fuckin’ home!!! Well… it’s not like I’m living in hell but still… things don’t feel the same. Coming back to the closet proves to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I’m hating on myself coz I want my summer holidays to end soon so that I can move out again and be in college where I can hopefully be myself…
(Thanks for reading; Hope you're doing alright)