Friday, July 2, 2010

My family calls me gay

(PS: 2nd post for today)

So I got back home this early morning. My parents fetched me from the airport and shortly after we greeted and hugged, they directly started picking on my hair which is kinda long. I went to gay bars in the last weeks for several times and I always used to take good care of my looks there so I’d wear sexy clothes (not fem though), and straighten my hair, fixing it in an emo-ish look. I took photos and 2 of them ended up being successive profile pictures of mine. ALL my international friends totally loved my look and thought it’s cool/sexy/hot… and that was good for my ego! I also loved how I looked. 
However, all people in my extended family have been apparently gossiping about me and saying that I look gay… they all asked my siblings and parents: “What’s wrong with Sam? “ and “Why does he look so gay lately…?” My parents also think that I look like a ‘fag’ and ‘pedophile’ (yeah, they called me pedophile coz they’re so ignorant about the issue and very offensive towards LGBTQ people). They obviously are extremely embarrassed and pissed at me right now. They keep asking me to remove those photos ASAP! This is irritating me BIG time!!! I might easily lose my anger next time we discuss my looks and then I may not be able to prevent myself from telling my family: “I AM gay, actually!! And please Fuck off!” My Mom is gonna take me to the hair dresser tomorrow to get an ‘intellectual look’ (that’s how she calls me having a short stupid hairstyle). She says she wants her old Sammy back!!!

What is hurting me further is that some of my older cousins (in their twenties) who I always thought they are liberal and would understand/support me if I were to come out to them have also been gossiping about me looking gay… I can never explain to my family the reality of being gay nor  can I evr enlighten them about how homosexuality is not a choice nor a sin/disease. FUCK MY LIFE!!!

I just came back home after being away for 6 months and that’s the type of situation my thought-to-be-beloved ones are putting me in. In feel like a fish outside the water… I feel so out of place in my own fuckin’ home!!! Well… it’s not like I’m living in hell but still… things don’t feel the same. Coming back to the closet proves to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I’m hating on myself coz I want my summer holidays to end soon so that I can move out again and be in college where I can hopefully be myself…



(Thanks for reading; Hope you're doing alright)
Sam

9 comments:

dpking19 said...

if thats you in the pic i like it! lol but yeah family can be complete assholes and sometimes you just need to vlow off some steam and go for a walk or something like blogging it out...but i will offer this little advice never come out in anger or to hurt someone...and really really make sure you have a place to stay before coming out which since you are older then me you probly knpow all this so i will shut up now Love<~Peter~>

p.s. sorry old adviser habit kicked in lol

Phunk Factor said...

Never ever hold assumptions or expectations about things so massive...if they don't result like you want them to, they hurt really bad!!!

Sorry to hear abt all the gossiping and lecturing ur going thru!

U can do two things only...come out OR stay in the closet....i doubt coming out would make a difference....it would prove their suspicion and lead to even more gossiping!!

Wen u get under pressure...go outside, talk to someone you like to talk, crank up ur favorite tunes...whatevr that cools you!!

Stay safe and have a great summer!!!

PSR said...

FFS how old are u?
and your ma's gonna take u for a hair cut?
FFS

Eye said...

no! don't cut your hair! it's not fair :(

seriously, refuse it! As for everything else, well... it kinda sucks but family is family right? gotta suck it up for a bit...

Good luck with that :P

JSL said...

its very easy for me to say, but i would say, be who you are and not what others want you to be. take care

xXxJoshuaxXx said...

I say fuck that shit. This is your body. Take control of it. If she insists on making u cut ur hair u will decide how it will be styled.

Sammy I am here for u as always.

xXx

tman said...

Sam... I'm pretty pissed, to tell you the truth, to read what your family is doing.... I think that they are being pretty abusive, and really, you're going to have to stand up for yourself. You don't need to come out to them- I'm not sure I would give them the satisfaction!! If it was me, I'd tell them to keep their opinions to themselves, and I certainly wouldn't 'adapt' my hairstyle or looks to accommodate them... You're 18 now, right?? You need to cut the apron strings by calmly telling your mom that you are your own man- NOT her 10 year old son, anymore... You should also tell her that you would like to maintain your relationship with her, and keep the peace, but, if the harassment continues, all bets are off!!
Time to take a stand, Sam!! luv, tman<3

wayner said...

Hi Sam. I kind of thought this might happen if your family/society is homophobic/ conservative. You know your situation best, but if coming out could endanger your education or alienate you from your family (to the point of being kicked out) it might be best to keep things under the radar (including the hot emo haircut which I love too). Be calm and firm, you only have to suffer for a month or two until you are off to college. These things are hard-wired into your parents brains and some education about sexuality takes time. You might mention to them that young people have many different fashion styles for different occasions. I know it sucks but you may have to keep your sexuality under wraps around your family until college is completed. I can't tell you for sure what to do, but if the consequences endanger your education then coming out to your family may not be an option. In a few years you will be a financially independent person and that will empower you. I don't know how reasonable/unreasonable your parents will be, but I know how much it hurts you not to be yourself. bfn - Wayne (hugs) (there must be some enlightened people around there you can confide in!)

D@vid @ndrew Del@cruz said...

IMO this is the Most Important sentence in your post . . . . . "I also loved how I looked.

If you're happy with the way you look and feel with your new emo look, then be kind to yourself and keep your look the way you like it to be. If members of your family can't find room in their hearts to love you for who you are instead of how you look, then that's their problem and not your problem. Don't let their narrow mindedness make you miserable along with them. Misery loves company, or so I've been told. IMO