Tuesday, July 13, 2010

angry... sad... and kinda crying

so... yeah... I got very angry and still am. Now I aint as angry but am sad... and I can cry if I let my tears go... but it would hurt so Imma suppress them... bleh.. don't mind my English for now; Im blogging coz I need to get things off my chest. Im in bed and about to sleep... chatting to my idk-bf who lives oceans away from me :(

So Mom keeps fussing about me being online all the time - I am bored that's why I do so... and using the internet is what I enjoy the most. She keeps treating me like a baby! and I hate that!! I know I've been away for 2 years and she probably feels Imma be gone for good coz next time I'm back I'm really an adult but still... she's the mother... so she should be the more understanding one!!

So she asked me to go lay next to her... while I'm still online... but I didn't reply. I went to the  bathroom and kept my laptop on my bed. When I got back, I found out that she has shut it down. I got really angry... She told me come lay next to me (we still do that in my family... so we talk and such... yeah Mommy's boy!). So I replied: "I'd do that only after you start treating me like a grown-up!"
I am really hating how my parents still treat me like a baby! I am 19 ffs!!! And today I had another argument with Dad... I went to some admin with him and I was wearing sandals.. he hated on me.. and I always have to beg him to let me drive. I got my license last year and I cannot drive well yet coz of lack of practice...

For some weird reason, this small argument with Mom made me remember what a terrible life I've had a few years back - no close friends, boredom and constant humiliation. It was then that I should have started blogging... These memories are what made me so sad right now... Imma try to post about those bad old days soon... so you guys would get to know me better.

OMG! I am hating those feelings so much!! :( I really DO love my family and all but I don't know why I am unconsciously detaching myself from them this way. A coping mechanism?? (my idk-bf says so)... I don't wanna hurt them... but they really anger me fast these days!! I don't wanna start with those feelings of disliking being at home and around my family! :(


PS: I know I am not being nice or fair with my family - especially my parents... but I just can't help it. I know Imma be regretting being this way... Mom is probably hurt right now :(

9 comments:

Mind Of Mine said...

I have been in your position before, I have serious rental issues. I wish I could say it gets better as you get older.

tman said...

hey kid... you sound very upset... I'm sorry that you feel like your family stifles you, but, they don't understand... you know, they don't have the insight, like we do, out here, because you let it all hang out with us... them- no... I won't rehash that whole thing right now; I just want to remind you what a cool kid (sorry!!) guy, you are!! See...lol... I still look at you the way I did a year ago, even tho you've grown up in so many ways!! I'm actually very proud of you, Sam!! Given your circumstances, you have made such progress- you've come out for the 1st time, you've graduated from high school in an honorable fashion, and been accepted to a great college, insuring your future...
I know it's hard not feeling safe to come out to your family... I should tell you tho, that your mom is sending some very strange signals that you have somewhat picked up on.... She seems hell-bent to have a long discussion with you, even shutting down your computer... ( a relatively innocuous thing IMHO, by the way)... do you think she wants to know whether you're gay?? Not that she wouldn't want to talk to the son that she's missing all these months, anyways...
Listen, Sam, cut her some slack... Stop agonizing over the little things... You can still tell her (calmly) that you're becoming a man. But, you know, you will always be her little baby, somewhere in a special corner of her heart...
Don't be sad... We love you, your family loves you... even if it could be more perfect in your mind.
Relax, and enjoy your stay... soon enough, you'll be missing the nice things about your family as you start your freshman year... luv, tman<3

Anonymous said...

Part of growing up involves separating yourself from your parents. It's not dysfunctional; it's absolutely necessary. Especially from your mother. 19 is about the right age these days. You're on track. Read Iron John by Robert Bly.

Peace.

naturgesetz said...

tman and anonymous make sense. If you can explain to your parents that you want to be treated a little differently now that your older, it might help. You can understand, I'm sure, that simply not answering them really doesn't help the situation. Maybe lying down and having a heart-to-heart would, or maybe you're too grown up for that. But they are entitled to know how you feel.

Eye said...

dont worry, the feeling you have that you hate them is just temporal, its because of how youa re feeling right now thinking back, it's ok to be a bit angry but just remmeber they're your parents and they havent seen you in quite a while, they'd preffer you spend time with them than online... I'm not defending them, but not you either... and dont worry, just try and have the best time you have 'cuz in no time you'll be away and missing them.

Hope I helped :)

Phunk Factor said...

Dude...they're ur parents...u can't hate them...what ur feeling is jst a reaction to being treated like a child....like u said, ur 19 fr ffs!!
So sit them down and have the talk with them...especially your mom! About ur mom...i think she may be feeling tht she doesn't know u entirely nemore!
Think of it this way...before u went off to High School...u weren't actively gay...maybe u were...bt i don't kno!
U went to States....did ur schooling and over there it happened that u let ur homosexuality come out...u got ur first bf, had ur first kiss....i think u visited some LGBT meetings as well..i'm nt sure...maybe i'm confusing u with sum1 else...bt yea, u did lotsa gay things! I think she feels tht difference n wants to kno wat it is...bt coming out to ur mum is a risky process!
As fr ur wearing sandals to ur dad's place....it's natural! My mum also freaks out wen i go to the hospital wearing shorts!

wayner said...

It might help if you socialise with your parents before online time. If they see you online quite a bit and not talking to them, they might think there is a problem. Yeah, at 19 you should be treated more like an adult and maybe you can gradually rearrange things over the summer. Do some nice little things for your mother to show that you do appreciate her. And tell your dad that you need driving practice and his advice on defensive driving (this will help you to bond better with him). Don't worry cos there is nothing here that other older teens don't experience with their parents. bfn - Wayne (hugs)

Micky said...

Hey, is the internet thing to do with who pays the bill? Does your time cost your mum money?

If so then it's understandable.

If not then she's only trying (still) to be a good mum.

Very gently put your little foot a little bit nearer down!

As everyone says - act your age coz otherwise your Mum will never treat you differently.

Honest - we've lots of us been there!

Ender said...

You need to not stay with them until after college and you've graduated and are on your own in your own place. They are trying to hold you back to what they want you to be and aren't letting you grow into the man you are. And I disagree with Phunk, you can hate your parents. You don't owe them anything more than sending a card occasionally if that much even sometimes.