Friday, July 30, 2010

my stalker :(


Let's ramble a little first:
So two days ago, I spent almost all day long helping my parents prepare some traditional provisions. It's too much manual work and I don't know why the fuck we do it... it's not like we're saving any money by doing so but oh well... Go organic! Go traditional! And I just bought a new book that I NEED to read prior to college. They also want us to write some paper about it. I am so lazy... but I HAVE to get it over and done with.

Yesterday was gay!
I spent yesterday with Mom, older sis (Christene) and her bf (Jack) in the city. My sis and her bf are having a small shop at some festival so we went to shop for some accessories they wanna sell. I made my sister get me a toe ring (I think it's super sexy! My Chinese teacher's hottie son wears one all the time) and some black nail polish (not that I'd wear them on... but just in case something triggers it in college). I didn't tell Mom about the nail polish. My sister wanna get me some black eye liner too! My uncle saw the ring on my toe and wondered why on earth I have it on... I got so embarrassed but didn't reply to him. My dad heard him though.. At night, I went with my sis, her bf and some friends to the cinema. We finally got to watch Eclipse. I liked it but think Newmoon was better. OMG! my idk-bf does some faces that are just like Edward's... I MISS HIM TERRIBLY!!! After Eclipse was over, we sneaked into the room next to us and watched the last part of 'Sex and the City 2". I think it is VERY hilarious!! While in the car, I discussed with my sis and her bf some gay guys they know. Jack also has a bisexual friend apparently, and he was also telling us about Chris (his gay cousin) who, by the way, is hair stylist and also belly dances at some clubs. He also dances in G-string thongs for Bachelorette parties. I am so impressed that there's a really nice gay life in my home country!! haha I was discussing with Jack how gays' attraction works so I told him: "let's say you're straight and I'm gay. If I know you're straight for sure, I would never hit on you or try to do anything with you... coz I know it's not like you can convert or anything!" I am being very much my spontaneous and flamboyant self around my sister's friends. Bad Sammy, Bad!

When I got back home, I went online to check my facebook and stuff. Here's what happened:
So yesterday night, Sandra (my Bi BFF) posted on my fcb wall that she wants to talk to me urgently... but I wasn't at home so I couldn't check my fcb and get in touch with her. So as soon as she posts that, she got phone calls from my other carrier number on her cellphone... and there was some perverted guy talking to her with my home language accent... She hung up but that guy kept calling her repetitively and at VERY late hours (it was past 2:00 am). She was worried because it was my phone number... so someone is stalking her... and that someone has hacked into my number. And this is not the first time this happens to me. My idk-bf used to tell me when I was still in my boarding school that he would sometimes try to call me but some weirdo replies to him, etc. I dunno what to do... :/

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Anal Sex

So here comes Sammy with his randomness again. I’ve been thinking to myself about gay sex life and I, for instance, am not the biggest fan of anal sex. To be honest with you guys, I’ve tried it before but it didn’t really work out well. So I kinda gave up on it by then. I did some research coz I was worried that I might be asexual or something… but it turned out that  it’s just a myth that all gay/bi guys enjoy anal sex. Reviews have actually shown that majority of gay guys say that anal is overrated and that what they enjoy the most is actually oral sex.

So please let me know whether you like/enjoy anal sex by answering my poll to the left. And if possible, please comment below about what you think in general…

Thanks a bunch!

Monday, July 26, 2010

I wanna be a Dad!

Good day y’all!

I am so random, I know!! But I am not gonna change so you better enjoy my randomness haha. I usually say that to all the new friends I make and they usually like me just the way I am. Anyway, so I was watching the Oprah show yesterday afternoon and it was about single fathers. (Have you seen it before? It’s a re-run) It was extremely touching and made me remember the times in my childhood when I used to tell myself that I cannot wait to be a father and have some dozen of children. I do enjoy taking care of others and like be in charge of their lives, education and activities, etc. However, ever since I started accepting my difference (not being straight), I’ve kinda stopped wanting to be a father one day, mainly because I kinda thought that kids need both a father AND a mother for their healthy development and growth. Oprah also ninterviewed two married gay guys who have adopted 3 kids and they seemed to be like the best parents one can ever have (as their kids said). They had this really ncie house and they are both quite successful (a famous writer and a famous painter – I can’t remember their names) . So this couple made me rethink about myself and how I wanna conduct my life in the future. For now I believe that I DO want to end up in one committed relationship (officially married or not, depending on the situation) with a partner I truly love and care about (mutually). And yes, I think I want us to have kids – of course not a dozen though. I REALLY hope I can achieve this!! *sigh*

Besides, I spent yesterday with the family and we’ve seen a couple of relatives here and there. My parents allowed me to drive for some decently long distance and so I was happy. One aunt made a random comment about my look and she asked me “Oh you still enjoy putting accessories and such?” coz I was wearing my usual necklaces, bracelets (pink and white) and 3 rings. She even asked me how come I didn’t get an earring yet. HAHA. I told her that I’d love to but my parents would kill me. A second degree cousin came over from Canada and she offered to meet up with me as I move to college in the states. She even invited me to visit them for Xmas. So Yay! I might see Canada soon! (:
My younger sister, Michelle (15 y.o) left for a scouts’ camp for a week. I’m gonna miss her coz she’s the one with whom I get along the most. We gossip and act silly together although she sometimes annoys me :P And I offer to do her photoshooting sessions now and then. I gave her a Lady Gaga look 2 days ago haha it was so funny!! I think Michelle is Bisexual coz she can be quite tomboyish at times and has some crazy crush over Rihanna. She does make offensive comments about lesbian girls sometimes but I think this is only due to the environment in which we live and how it shapes our homophobic mentality. I am trying lately to make her respect people for who they are and I kinda make comments now and then about how it’s OK to be gay, lesbian, or bi because it really is NOT a choice. I hope it’s working…

Random: My older sis got Eclipse on DVD but am finding it hard to watch it coz Edward reminds me so much of my idk-bf. (Yeah! He's THAT hot hehe)... Bleh FML

Random: As we were in the car yesterday, my younger brother James (11 y.o) took my wallet and started looking in it. He took out a condom from it and started asking me what is it? He was so loud!! I got so agitated and embarrassed so I grabbed it from him and hid it back in my wallet saying that it’s a wrap of stamps coz I usually keep them in my wallet as a collection. I was so worried that my parents would have seen it or something but thank God they didn’t pay too much attention. It was just a week ago that I’ve decided to keep a condom on me all the time (my idk-bf asked me to do so).

I hope you guys have enjoyed a fabulous weekend and I hope you have a pleasant week!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Decent gay life in my home country! :)


I’ve been very lazy lately. My mom still fusses about me staying up late at night online. She woke up two nights ago and saw me online at 3:00 am and she was VERY angry. She sweared that this coming month she will make our internet subscription limited – as in, capped per day!! And this is really VERY little. I hope she changes her mind coz otherwise I’d be skrewed very much!

I went yesterday night to the mall with my sis, her bf (Jack) and some other friends. We wanted to watch Eclipse but it was already started by the time we reached there so we decided to postpone it for some other time. Instead we sat in the food court and ate. It was quite interesting coz most friends are fun and funny. However I got irritated when my sis brought up the topic of Rihanna’s bisexuality (having seen Te amo’s music video – check it out by clicking here ). So yeah, my sis Christene thinks that being gay or bi is gross and she was offending Rihanna. But I didn’t let her go on with that and made it clear to her that she MUST respect people’s different sexual orientations. All of her friends agreed with me. Yay! Something VERY interesting happened on our way back home. Jack decided to pass by his cousin’s place to say Hi since we were in the vicinity. So we stopped and saw the cousin (Chris) sitting on the balcony with his mother, 2 sisters and a random dude in a pink T-shirt. Both Chris and that guy in pink made my gaydar spin. Chris came over and greeted us. He kissed Jack on his cheeck and they started talking. My gaydar spinned harder as I heard his voice. He was well fit, tanned and good looking – with some tatoo on his upper arm. My sister gave me a weird look and she started discussing with her othr girl friend (also with us in the car) whether Chris or that othr guy is cuter. I asked “Who’s that dude in pink?” My sister said “He’s Chris’ friend” and she got a smirk as she looked at her girl friend. I got intrigued and so I got the gut and asked: “Is he his friend… or his boyfriend?” So they giggled… and then I asked them to elaborate more on that. They told me that yeah, he’s gay and has a bf who always comes over to his place and ALSO sleeps over. 

I asked Jack if Chris’ mother knows that he’s gay; he told me “He’s not out to her but am sure she kinda knows… or at least suspects. But she is in denial.” I was so happy to have had this encounter. Gay guys are there and they’re doing gay stuff!!! Haha I am finding it interesting how Jack has both a gay cousin and a gay brother. Hmm… As we left, my sister started making silly comments about what a shame it is that such a good looking guy is gay so I opposed her and told her that she’s got a bad mentality. Jack joined me to kinda support what I said and told her that she should be more respectful and understanding. Nah! I won’t come out to him. What’s the need, anyway?

I was chatting with Mark today and he told me that he’s going for a date tonight with a gay guy he met on some gay dating site, a month back. He showed me a photo of the dude. He’s this hairy and buff 28 year old.  (Mark is only 17 by the way). I am worried about Mark but I just IM-ed with him and he said the’ve met at Starbucks and so far everything is alright. I still need to meet up in person with this Mark. So yeah… as Wayne told me; my country aint THAT bad afterall. 

I loafed at home the whole day today and did absolutely nothing productive or fun. My mom has a terrible migraine and I’m trying to service her: ice on her head, some massage now and then. She’s in excructiating pain :/ She doesn’t deserve this!! Any tips, please?

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

They wanna hook me up with Jennifer

Good day!

I went again to the beach today. It was just me with Mom and my two younger siblings. We didn't really swim coz it was not comfy. We just went to this free beach, not a proper resort. Hence, snobby me didn't feel at ease. I just laid around, read a little and tanned. I am kinda sunburnt now. My chest is sooo red and so are my cheeks and nose. I think it's kinda hot :P My butt is whitey! It's cute hehe.

While there, my younger sister Michelle (15 y.o) and Mom started to talk to me about Jennifer. She's this 18 year old girl who used to go to my former school. She's really good looking, smart and sweet. I would like her if I do girls. Jennifer's mother is friends with my family and she likes me a lot. Well, Mom told me that she always mentions me and talks about my achievements and such. So Michelle and Mom said they want me to hook up with Jennifer coz she seems like a good girlfriend to have and future wife. FML. My sis (Michelle) is going tomorrow to the cinema with Jennifer and her sister. They wanna watch Eclipse. Mom and sis said I should go along so that I can meet up with Jennifer and start up with the 'hook up' process haha FML. I really wanna watch Eclipse but then I can go for it with my older sis (Christene) and her bf, instead. I don't wanna meet up Jennifer coz I'd be shy lol. I guess Mom just wants to make sure I've got strings attached with some girl from my home country. By the way, I don't think it would be hard for me to get Jennifer. She did show interest in me once and well.. I am such a great man to get (in the opinions of the people around me here). They all think I'm an over-achiever, very polite and intellectual, and such a perfect man and prince charming haha

Tonight, my older sis wanted me to go out with her and her bf to this friend's birthday party but I didn't go coz I wouldn't really enjoy myself. It's being held at this fancy restaurant so there wouldn't be dancing and naughtiness lol. They'd just sit around, eat something, have drinks and taaaaaaalk. Quite lame! Not gay enough for my liking *wink*


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Beach, bitch!


I went to the beach today with my parents and my younger brother. Our neighbors also went with us. Oh I gotta tell you a bit about them. So they are these semi French people and they've been married for like 15 years but have no children. They are very close to my family coz we kinda make them feel part of our family and we know how to add meaning to their boring life (I really am NOT exaggerating this now). I think the guy is gay though :P Well.. maybe that's why he couldn't impregnate his wife. Excuse my dark humor but am saying this coz he kinda likes my uncle a bit too much!! Anyway, so they treat me and my siblings like their kids sometimes. They're kinda wealthy but do not spend much on us... well they do a bit but not as much as I would have hoped :P I might be mentioning them again in future posts so that's why I'm giving you guys a bit of background lol

Anyway, so our neighbors left early and I stayed with my family members (minus my sisters) and we kinda bonded well. It was sweet. I hope my parents were really as happy as they looked. I realized today that I have kinda changed a lot indeed. For instance, I really talk VERY little. I also do not talk much with my family... It's weird and I can't help it. I guess maybe it's better for me to remain silent coz it's being hard for me to hide my gayness when I speak... I don't know how to explain this. Bleh! FML Silence is best sometimes, eh? Mom kept asking me about whether I has a gf today and I told her I have none. She was like: "I can't believe you could survive without being affectionate..." lol Oh and we've discussed whether I could get my nose job. She said not this summer coz my break is short and I need more than just a month to recover and all. She promised that she'll allow me to get the plastic surgery next summer break coz then I might be at home for 2-3 months which should be enough. I'll be paying for the surgery from my own savings. I really don't think my nose is THAT ugly. I really think I am hot the way I look right now but am such  a perfectionist. Oh well... But I really  wanted to get the nose job before college so that the new people Imma meet know me with that look from the start. What ya think?
Oh, I've got a nice tan today. It's very slight but I like it; Imma go to the beach again tomorrow so then my tan would be just perfect!

I really love checking guys out as they go out of the swimming pool or rise up in the water as they get closer  and closer to the sea shore. Their "ding dong" is often semi-awake (hehe) with the swimming suit sticking on their bodies *sigh* I enjoy imagining how they'd look if... [you know what I mean] haha
OMG I am such a perv, eh? (blush) but I was a good boy today (just coz the beach resort we went to didn't have saunas or Turkish steam rooms haha)

Random: I was thinking today that I think I'm into older guys lol Well... I really do not mind having an affair with guys aged between 25-35 if they're hot! I would really prefer having a boyfriend who's in the same age group as me but I DO think that older guys can arouse me well well! Anything wrong with that?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

juicy gossip


I haven't been up to much lately so I just decided to gossip with you about a few people and stuff in my life.

My college roommate:
So I finally have one. I told him in one facebook message "I am exploring my sexuality and believe that I am Bi"  (coz my idk-bf told me saying this would be best) and I asked him  if he's got any problem with it. So  my roomie was like: "No I don't have any problem. I am exploring too. haha" So I assume he's also rainbowish although his fcb profile says he's interested in women. But he's quite spontaneous... I mean he's such a socialite and uses lots of emoticons in his chats and messages, etc. He's got this boyish look and is into anything arts-related. He sings, acts, etc. 

Jack's bro:
I forgot to mention in earlier posts that my sister's boyfriend (Jack) has a 17 year old brother who's gay. I have never met him in person but whenever I ask about him, they (my sister, her bf, Mom, etc.) always tell me that he is kinda sick and not worthy of me meeting up with him. I ask why and they're like... he's gay. By gay they mean he's fem, shy and has complexities. Yeah, these are the stereotypes they have around here. It is very sad :(

It seems like there's lotsa preparation to be done for college. And there are loads of stuff I have no idea what they are... I am friends with many fellows on facebook and sometimes they just speak of stuff and I am like: what the heck? hehe FML!! Oh and there's this book I need to read this summer before college starts and I also have a paper to write about it. I ordered the book at the library yesterday and it should come in a few days. Bleh.. I am so lazy! I am so worried about what to pack coz my clothes literally cannot fit in just two suitcases. And I need to buy a laptop and a cell phone as soon as I get to the states. What should I get?

All is ok.. no big drama for now but the usual fuss Mom has about me being online almost all the time, when we actually are at home. I keep telling Mom that I no longer wanna get married and have my own kids. She's surprised coz when I was younger I used to say I can't wait to have my own family and get 12 children :P. I also told her yesterday that I don't want to ever be back home for good coz I just don't like it in here. She got sad and was like: "What's me and your dad's fault? We also want you to be around us..." I did not know what to answer.. I just told her that I have my heart torn into many pieces atm and they will always be in my heart...

Thanks for reading! Enjoy your week!

Sunday, July 18, 2010


Happy Sunday!

So I spent almost all day long yesterday chatting to Mark on msn.
A bit of background: He is this 17 year old gay guy who added me on facebook. He's friends with my bi BFF Sandra. I am not out to him.

So we chatted about a lot of stuff and he kinda likes how supportive and gay-friendly I am. I told him "I am straight so far" as you may already know. He told me a lot of stuff about gay life in my home country. He also mentioned to me that he's been 'fucked' 5 times and he says that he's 'bottom only' and doesn't like being sucked... bla bla bla. He even sent me dick photos of 2 guys he's online friends with. One he says is strange looking, while the other is the longest one he's even seen for real lol. I didn't really get why on earth he sent me those photos lol but Oh well... I couldn't complain. He also asked me whether I am virgin or not but all my answers to him were vague... so I told him "I am kinda virgin, depending on what you define as sex". He is a really sweet man and I feel so bad for all the crap he's been through. He told me about this time he met a so-called gay guy online and they scheduled a time and place to meet up but when he showed up at that guy's place, 2 men went to beat the hell out of him and stole 60 USD from his wallet. He had to lie about the incident to his family. He's not out to his family (they'd disown him) but he's out to most of his close friends. He plans on moving to the UK after high school to pursue his university studies and he is kinda like me when it comes to hating on the people in my country for being superficial, stupidly conservative and homophobe. I told Mark that he can confide in me and I can try to be there for him if he ever needs to get things off his chest. We said we'll try to meet up in person soon (maybe next week) so our discussions would become a bit more personal. I clearly don't want to fool around with him or anything... I just feel like we should be cool friend if time permits. He's not my type anyway lol. But you know, sometimes I feel like I'm kinda sent by some divine power to be the angel of some people in this life... I think I am meant to support Mark and make him feel good about himself. So I'll try to do that as much as possible. Despite the fact that I'm moving abroad soon, I will try - in the time being - to chat with him and support him.

Besides, I am chilling enough with my family these past 2 days. My parents are super sweet and love me so much. I'm trying to be their sweet loving kid as much as possible. I woke up today and told myself that I am very lucky to be the person I am and at church this morning I thanked God for all the great deeds I've been offered... I am OK with hiding a "part" of who I am for now... Being Gay/Bi/Whatever is NOT really the only thing that defines me. Hallelujah for positivity! Hope life treats y'all well!

Lots of Love!

Friday, July 16, 2010

I want a girlfriend

So yeah:
These days I am always going out with my older sis and her friends... and most of them are hooked up. I walk around and I am like the only single guy around which aint cool. I feel lonely although all people like me and I can flirt quite well with the girls, making their boys jealous haha... Oh, my sister's BFF told me yesterday that she loves the way I dance. Yay! xD She also told this other girl we met about how humorous I am.

Random: Mom asked me today to show her the photos from my last trip. So amongst the photos she saw some photos of me posing with my idk-bf. She told me he's handsome... yet all she knows about him is that he's my host brother haha

Besides, this guy called Mark has added me on facebook since I just got back home. He's friends with my Bi BFF Sandra and he is GAY!!! He said he's seen photos of me on facebook and thought I am cute which is why he added me. He's 17 and  plans on moving to London after high school. We chatted a bit now and then on msn. He asked me if I am gay but I told him 'No, I am straight so far' and made him laugh. I didn't come out to him coz I do not plan to be out in my country. He lives like 5 minutes drive, away from my summer house. We shared phone numbers today and he invited me to go clubbing down town with him tonight in a gay club (the only cool gay club in my country lol). But I told him I can't go... Well, firstly because I gotta take a cab back and forth (which I don't really enjoy - I am snobbish, you know) and secondly coz I kinda need to meet him in person first... before actually clubbing with him. I hope he aint pissed at me lol. Imma try to plan on us meeting up soon... Should I come out to him or not?

I am going to my grannies now with my family and all... A boring night that could have been substituted with partying at a gay bar... Oh well... Sammy gotta be sweet, nice and kind with his family! lol
Yay for bonding with the family! FML hahaha

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Encounter with a fuck buddy


I'm gonna ramble a bit then tell you about my encounter... If you wanna just read that, then scroll down and read what's in red. Yesterday I went shopping with Mom and my younger Bro (11 y.o) from 9 am to 9 pm. I got cute stuff; a pinkish red pair of shorts, new Vans shoes - black n white (skeletons' theme) and also brought all my winter clothes from our winter house. I need to sort out the stuff I need to pack for college. Mom was cool although she asks me from time to time to be more manly... ffs.. she must get that I am gay lol. Look... it's not like I'm very fem but am definitely not the typical macho she would expect to have in my country... whatever... I aint gonna change nor pretend to be who I am not  (the way I used to do before).

Today I went out since morning with my older sis (Christene) and her bf (Jack).  We went up to this catholic monastery for prayers and stuff... Some more friends met us there too. In the afternoon we went to the this resort where we swam a little and enjoyed the jacuzzi. It was calm and my sis kept being affectionate with her bf. I AM SO DAMN PURPLE!! (sexually frustrated)

So here's the exciting part:
As we finished and went to shower... I decided to check out the Turkish Bath room (extremely steamy room similar to sauna). So I went there and then 2 separate guys came in. They both made my gaydar spin. We talked here and then and it was kinda cool. It was so damn hot but I wanted to stay, hoping some gay stuff might take place. Later... the hunk one left and I stayed with the twink. The twink went out for a cold shower and got back, and asked me if I'd go with him so I did. We started talking even more... but he did not give me much ''wanna have gay fun'' hints so I gave up and left. I went to the showers and when I got back to the main hall where guys change clothes I saw the hunk around and he kept checking me out. He told me he has a back-ache and wanna go back to the Turkish Bath room which was directly in front of the changing hall where I was sitting. I was still in my towel by then and so I was eye-ing him as he strolled in front of me. He passed in front of me, looked me in the eyes then entered the glass door to go inside the Turkish bath room. He knew I was looking at him, so he took off his swimming shorts (behind the glass door) and went in... I wondered whether this was an invitation for me to follow him (when we were all three together there, we were all in our shorts - not naked). I believed that he had given me a lot of hints that he's gay and wants me... so I got my gut and followed him to the Turkish bath room. I was soooooooooo shy and my legs were trembling lol So I tried to open the door but it was locked. He saw me from inside and unlocked the door. I put my head in and asked him.. Oh you've lowered the temperature. He was like.. yeah! He was alone, laying all naked with his swimming shorts thrown around his belly... I couldn't really see his cock but stillhe was damn HAWT!!  I tried to converse with him a little and asked him random stuff but I was too shy to go in or do anything so I left. He was looking at me lustfully but I just did not know how to react. OMG! He was sooooooooo hot! I really wanted to give him a nice blow job that would take him to paradise... But I controlled my horniness and went back to finish changing and getting into my clothes. A minute later, he went out strolled by me and took a cold shower in front of me. We kept looking at each other: him in the open showers room and me on my changing chair. Then he came close to me, wanting to go back to the steamy Turkish room. Then I stopped him for a convo. Here's what we said:

Me: So How's your back ache?
Hunk: Still there... meh! I so wish it would go away!!
Me: hmm.. the steam aint helping, eh? Maybe you need some massage..
Hunk: True, hey! But the spa is closed.
Me: hmm... maybe you can ask a friend of yours to massage you?
Hunk: Nah.. not anyone can give a good massage.
Me: True.. A bad masseur might make you worse.
Hunk: Can you massage me?
Me: I aint that good...
Hunk: aww...

And then he looked at me for a few seconds but I didn't say a word. What should I have done? I was shy (yet very horny lol)!! He gave me a final glance and went back inside the steam. I felt so dumb for being shy and suppressing myself. I am really sexually frustrated and such an opportunity doesn't come twice(well at least not in my environment) . But bleh FML I didn't wanna be promiscuous... plus maybe he aint gay... and I just got bad signals? What ya think?

Thanks for reading!
Horny yet Shy Sam

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Thank y'all for your support and welcome to all my new followers!! You guys rock and make my blogging worthwhile...

I had an OK day today... kinda boring but am cool with it coz I had lots of fun stocked when I was with my idk-bf (nostalgia....) and I'm hopefully up to great things at college - so soon. Mom easily gets over her moodiness... and so today I helped her cook some sweet stuff and tidied my room which made her kinda satisfied with me. She still fusses about how much time I spend online... bleh. I'll find time for my family sooner or later. I still have around 40 days left with them.

We visited some relatives today and gossiped - which is my family's specialty lol
Bleh.. what else? nothing much...

I just asked my Mom if there's a way I can fix something about my eyebrows and she was like: "Sam, get more manly, please... and stop all those things you've been doing lately!" (She means being a bit fem)

Take Care good people!

angry... sad... and kinda crying

so... yeah... I got very angry and still am. Now I aint as angry but am sad... and I can cry if I let my tears go... but it would hurt so Imma suppress them... bleh.. don't mind my English for now; Im blogging coz I need to get things off my chest. Im in bed and about to sleep... chatting to my idk-bf who lives oceans away from me :(

So Mom keeps fussing about me being online all the time - I am bored that's why I do so... and using the internet is what I enjoy the most. She keeps treating me like a baby! and I hate that!! I know I've been away for 2 years and she probably feels Imma be gone for good coz next time I'm back I'm really an adult but still... she's the mother... so she should be the more understanding one!!

So she asked me to go lay next to her... while I'm still online... but I didn't reply. I went to the  bathroom and kept my laptop on my bed. When I got back, I found out that she has shut it down. I got really angry... She told me come lay next to me (we still do that in my family... so we talk and such... yeah Mommy's boy!). So I replied: "I'd do that only after you start treating me like a grown-up!"
I am really hating how my parents still treat me like a baby! I am 19 ffs!!! And today I had another argument with Dad... I went to some admin with him and I was wearing sandals.. he hated on me.. and I always have to beg him to let me drive. I got my license last year and I cannot drive well yet coz of lack of practice...

For some weird reason, this small argument with Mom made me remember what a terrible life I've had a few years back - no close friends, boredom and constant humiliation. It was then that I should have started blogging... These memories are what made me so sad right now... Imma try to post about those bad old days soon... so you guys would get to know me better.

OMG! I am hating those feelings so much!! :( I really DO love my family and all but I don't know why I am unconsciously detaching myself from them this way. A coping mechanism?? (my idk-bf says so)... I don't wanna hurt them... but they really anger me fast these days!! I don't wanna start with those feelings of disliking being at home and around my family! :(

PS: I know I am not being nice or fair with my family - especially my parents... but I just can't help it. I know Imma be regretting being this way... Mom is probably hurt right now :(

Sunday, July 11, 2010

MOM! Do you know I am gay?


Yesterday's beach party was shit FUN! I really enjoyed myself; drank, danced, checked out the hotties!
PS: I think two sexy girls dirty dancing with each other are so fuckin' HOT!!!
I did see 2 guys checking me out here and there (which was sooo good for my ego haha). I was wearing skinny blue jeans, a light blue checkered shirt (short sleeves) which I unbuttoned to show my white under-vest beneath. And of course I had my silver accessories complimenting my outfit... If someone had brains over there, he must have noticed I'm gay... but apparently no one dared to cum for me... I meant come* for me.
PS: I had dreams about 2 guys from the party who got physical with me... One of them invited me to his hotel room lol It was a sweet dream.. I am still very purple though :(    (if you know what I mean)

Random # 1: I went to see my GP again yesterday afternoon coz I've been sick for more than 2 weeks despite all the medicine I've taken. He gave me new antibiotics and some cough mixture then said if I don't feel better by today, I gotta get a blood test on Monday. O.Oh... I've lately smoked pot... would it show in my blood test? FML

Random # 2: Mom discovered yesterday that I shave my arm pits haha. She was surprised and asked me: "Oh Sammy... so you prefer non-hairy guys?" I wondered what she meant by that... did she hint at me liking boys or what? haha. I didn't really answer. I do prefer non-hairy guys but I just made her understand that I think saving is kinda hygienic... (in my opinion). At night, as I was getting ready for the party, I asked her to take photos of me in my fresh outfit... so I started posing (in a gay-way, as she described it)... so she asked me to stop making those seducing faces but I kept going on... so she laughed and continued taking the photos.
MOM!!!! Do you know that I am gay???

I'm chilling with the family today - some road trip then lunch...

Have a lovely Sunday y'all!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

FAIL haha

PS: I know the new look sucks and is Yuk! will fix it with time ;)


I'm so bored... yet Mom keeps nagging when she sees me online for so long... and she takes the laptop away from me at nights.. so I don't stay up late. FML. I am not a baby ffs...

Anywayz... so I did end up going out with my older sis (Christene) and her friends yesterday night. We went to this resto-pub and we were alone there.. kinda exclusive haha. It was not so bad. I wore purple coz I am very sexually frustrated right now... My sis and her bf kept making out and dirty dancing... I would have ripped both of them hahahaha

Tonight is the beach party my sis has been organizing for her boyfriends' birthday. There will be like 40-50 people invited to that fancy resort and we should be partying hard. I know very few of the invitees. They're all my sis and her bf's friends. Reminder: I have NO friends in my home country... FML. I kinda got used to this though... I don't like being in my country anyway... so it's OK.

I just tried to pimp my blog layout but I don't like the outcome. I think I will keep fixing it as time comes by. I tried to update it a little so to reflect how I've become:

  • Construction background coz I am still exploring myself.. 
  • Title: Confused with a question mark coz I don't think I have the right to call myself confused anymore. I know for a fact that I like BOYS!! haha (who doesn't, eh? :P)
  • The quote by Winston Churchill  kinda reflects my ambitious attitude and how I'd like to conduct my life...

Friday, July 9, 2010

sorry... I am straight!


I am doing OK... all is under control (kinda). I went over to Sandra's place yesterday and stayed there for 5 hours. We simply spent the time chatting and catching up. She came out to me as Bi, online, a few months back and she's been suspecting I'm gay ever since. So yesterday I had to have a serious talk with her. I told her I am Bi... and that I've been exploring my sexuality for some time. I also told her about my previous idk-bf and she thinks he's handsome (I showed her a few pics of him). Besides, I asked her not to share what I told her with ANYONE! (not even her gay friends). So she promised to keep my secret for eternity. Now my summer is gonna be really boring - no meeting up with more gay friends, no partying in gay clubs and no exciting adventures. Moreover, I will always have to hide my true self and make sure I live under the radar. Many gay friends of Sandra have been adding me on facebook lately and chatting me up. One guy started hitting on me!! But I was like: "Sorry, I am straight". So I told Sandra that she should tell them all that I am straight but am very gay-friendly coz I have many rainbow friends abroad... I am hating the feeling of denying who I am...

Bleh... Helloooooooow Boredom haha! I think it's kinda OK... coz in life we gotta make sacrifices some times... for the better of all. I don't wanna let any rumors of my gayness spreading around. My parents would get a heart attack. By the way I am hating on my country sooooooooo much! I'll ramble more about that later.. But I really don't wanna live in here anymore. I can't wait to move out again. :(

tomorrow night is the birthday party of my sister's bf... it gotta be so much fun, I hope. Beach party, babeh! haha. My sis is going to his place tonight and asked me to come along but I won't go coz I'm not in a good mood. I'll have to go now and fix some gifts for her. She asked me to paint on two T-Shirts "I love my bf" and "I love my gf" for them to wear tomorrow...


Thursday, July 8, 2010

previous nights... not so bad!

So the past nights I've been having a good time back home :)
(surprising, eh?)

Tuesday night:
I went to a small party at my cousin's place. It was held coz he just passed the official exams. So all my cousins were there. It was kinda lame at first then my one male cousin (19 y.o) started belly dancing and inviting us to join him lol We even did the Waka Waka song and I was the one leading the song LOL (just coz I know the lyrics well)... OMW! My cousin has become a hottie! They made a few gay jokes but it was OK.

Wednesday night:
My sister's bf fetched me from home and then we took my sis from work and met up with some other friends at 2 guy friends' apartment. We watched the FIFA match at first, had some vodka and ordered food. YAY!! I am soooo happy that Spain won!! (just coz I dislike the German team lol). I was originally fan of Brazil. After the match was over.... we decided to play "truth or dare". It became quite naughty with time. Guys started taking their shirts off... lap dancing (I did that), French kissing....dirty dancing while taking clothes off. OMG OMG!!! 2 of the guys were such hotties!!! especially after they took their shirts and pants off. haha I was amazed at how liberal young people back home could get. But still... they're very homophobic! One of the guy suggested the dares should start becoming gay-style... so I was like Yay!! xD but then they just asked one guy to smack-kiss my sis' bf... and I got nothing out of it!!!! :( poor me hehe... But overall the night was fun! I totally love my sis' bf (friendship love). He's really caring... and always pays on my behalf hehe...


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

what am I up to? and my Bi BFF


How are we all doing? I am so missing reading fellow bloggers but FML Mom keeps nagging every time she seems me online... aaah! I've been living on my own, sleeping whenever I feel like and doing whatever... for 2 years and now she wanna treat me like a baby!! bleh!

Anyhow I went to my GP yesterday coz I have some immunization forms to fill out for college. I also had some 3 vaccines to take but he could only give me one of them coz I'm sick - got the flu and just started antibiotics FML. My BFF in here (Sandra) invited me to the beach with her yesterday but I didn't go. I am really embarrassed with my body coz I'm kinda skinny and all guys my age have some muscles while I don't... and My sister invited me to go with her and her bf to the beach today but I also didn't go coz I'm sick and I cannot get into the water coz of my vaccination. I wish I could work out... I will do that in college if I get to develop that discipline. I NEED to be fit!

Besides lemme share with you a bit of background about Sandra. She's my BFF back home; the only high school friend I've really kept in touch with after moving abroad. She came out to me as Bi 2 months ago - on msn - and our friendship has grown much stronger ever since. I haven't REALLY come out to her yet but she clearly knows about me... Rainbow people attract each other, right? So I really wanna come to her but am scared coz I don't want my parents or extended family to know anything... I am not ready to deal with this. She made me meet up with two gay guy friends of hers last Saturday and we went altogether to this cafe to chill a little. She kept referring to all of us as G-people. I don't wanna come out as gay coz of many reasons I cannot really explain. Bleh! But I need people to confide in and support me while I'm here... Is it not much better to keep my home country gay-free from me? I have to meet up with Sandra for LONG convos and then I should share with her my worries and concerns... and then ask her to keep my sexual identity as TOP secret! Remember: My dad is the mayor of my home-town and so he would get a heart attack if rumors about his son being gay spread out... As many of you have advised me; I gotta keep a low profile in my home-country until I move out again. I am so excited to go to the US but am hating this feeling coz I feel like I can't wait to leave my family again... I am unfair to them! They love me so much and will miss me like hell...

Thanks for reading!


Monday, July 5, 2010

My Mom is gaying me up?

Yes, I do mean what I said in the title! Yesterday morning, my Mom and two sisters asked me to go to the living room and started giving me lots and lots of gifts they have been shopping for me during my absence. All gifts were clothes and accessories. I really loved every single thing they got me. What’s so weird about those gifts is that they’re all so stylish – in a gay way!
They got me new boxer briefs which are extremely colorful. Check:

They also got me bracelets, necklaces and rings (one of them is a spinning one – gay right?)

And lots of V-neck T-Shirts – VERY colorful!!! 

And a super smexy pink T-shirt…

They also got me a flashy belt, 2 pairs of slim-fit jeans (one black, the other gray), and more T-shirts and shirts (no photos, sorry)
But...What the hell, Mom? Don’t you realize how gay those stuff are?  lol
I totally love them!  Haha… Mommy is very interesting… hehe (I aint complaining lol)
Imma be so stylish at college!! Yay! xD

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I LOVE my sister and her boyfriend

My older sister Christene (20 y.o) is THE best and her boyfriend Jack is also very sweet and kind. When I just traveled back home and entered my room I found gifts from them on my bed. My sis got me the latest Hugo Boss perfume box and her bf got me a nice pinky red shirt which I really liked. Jack also called me first day of my come back and invited me out yesterday with my sis and some friends of theirs. We went to this restaurant by the beach. We were literally sitting ON the sand with the waves caressing the rocks next to our table. I really loved the atmosphere although the food wasn’t that good lol. Jack was pissed coz of the bad service and crappy food – he’s pissed coz he really looks up to me and wanted to take me out to a really fancy place so he kept apologizing on our way back. Tonight my sister came back home with food take away from Burger King lol Jack bought it for me…  hehe xD

I also went yesterday morning with my sis shopping for gifts for Jack coz she’s preparing a Birthday surprise party for him next week – it’s gonna be super duper! We requested a special Bday cake and also got them pink n blue t-shirts on which my sis wants me to paint funny stuff for them (will tell u about that later). I am invited for the party – it’s gonna take place at this fancy resort and its gonna be a beach party, babeh! I am so excited lmao FML

GUYS!! Stay tuned coz tomorrow I’ll be posting photos of gifts I just got!! Some parts of my body might show in them too! ;) hehe


Saturday, July 3, 2010

things are not the same - anymore


I woke up at noon today coz I haven't slept much in 3 days :/ It was ok... I finally changed my facebook profile picture. Mom kept saying thank you today and I didn't understand why until she said it's coz of that. haha... so she must be happy with me now? I bet NOT! haha
She says I have changed a lot. I barely came back and she notices how I changed... maybe it's coz I am kinda cold and don't agree with everything that she says now.... But I DO love you Mom!!! However, I don't think you would love me for who I am if you were to know everything about me...

PS: My Mom keeps yelling every time I spend so much time online... I know I have to bond with them after all the time I've been away... but I need to chat with my friends who love me and make me feel better...

Mom keeps saying that I love my friends more than my family.... How true is that?? I am wondering... aaaaaaaaaaah things are no longer the same. I hate myself for thinking that I cannot wait to leave home again and be myself abroad! :(

Oooooooh almost forgot! I got a haircut today! I chose the style - short.... a bit of a Mohawk... can be nicely gelled. Truth be told, I DO look better with short hair but whatever lol
The hairdresser was fucking expensive coz its a new one... and I tipped his assistant a lot of money coz he was very cute hehe. Mom kept nagging about how much tips I gave him lol FML


Friday, July 2, 2010

My family calls me gay

(PS: 2nd post for today)

So I got back home this early morning. My parents fetched me from the airport and shortly after we greeted and hugged, they directly started picking on my hair which is kinda long. I went to gay bars in the last weeks for several times and I always used to take good care of my looks there so I’d wear sexy clothes (not fem though), and straighten my hair, fixing it in an emo-ish look. I took photos and 2 of them ended up being successive profile pictures of mine. ALL my international friends totally loved my look and thought it’s cool/sexy/hot… and that was good for my ego! I also loved how I looked. 
However, all people in my extended family have been apparently gossiping about me and saying that I look gay… they all asked my siblings and parents: “What’s wrong with Sam? “ and “Why does he look so gay lately…?” My parents also think that I look like a ‘fag’ and ‘pedophile’ (yeah, they called me pedophile coz they’re so ignorant about the issue and very offensive towards LGBTQ people). They obviously are extremely embarrassed and pissed at me right now. They keep asking me to remove those photos ASAP! This is irritating me BIG time!!! I might easily lose my anger next time we discuss my looks and then I may not be able to prevent myself from telling my family: “I AM gay, actually!! And please Fuck off!” My Mom is gonna take me to the hair dresser tomorrow to get an ‘intellectual look’ (that’s how she calls me having a short stupid hairstyle). She says she wants her old Sammy back!!!

What is hurting me further is that some of my older cousins (in their twenties) who I always thought they are liberal and would understand/support me if I were to come out to them have also been gossiping about me looking gay… I can never explain to my family the reality of being gay nor  can I evr enlighten them about how homosexuality is not a choice nor a sin/disease. FUCK MY LIFE!!!

I just came back home after being away for 6 months and that’s the type of situation my thought-to-be-beloved ones are putting me in. In feel like a fish outside the water… I feel so out of place in my own fuckin’ home!!! Well… it’s not like I’m living in hell but still… things don’t feel the same. Coming back to the closet proves to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I’m hating on myself coz I want my summer holidays to end soon so that I can move out again and be in college where I can hopefully be myself…

(Thanks for reading; Hope you're doing alright)

The time of my life…

I have spent the time of my life in the past few weeks – traveling around, being with my bf, and having very many firsts such as French kissing a girl (terrible experience), drinking tequila and many other spirits, going to an island, visiting a recording studio, etc… I also got to celebrate my 19th Bday in a very special way. My bf made me have the best birthday celebration ever just b being around me and doing very sweet stuff that made me feel so special and loved. I’ve literally had THE best time of my life!

It was extremely difficult departing and leaving the love of my life and I am still dealing with this heart-break at the moment. There’s no way to move on at this time being coz I am back home for a month and a half and am bored like hell… so all I think about is him, his true love and the amazing time we had together. I won’t blog too much about my bf coz I prefer to keep our holy love and deep attachment between us – I think he also aint comfy with me writing about us online so I hope you don’t mind that.

Anyway, my heart is singing its own nostalgia songs mixed with melancholic melodies and a restless rhythm at the moment; so I will leave it to deal with its issues as time goes by. Meanwhile I would like to update you about what’s happening in my life. So keep checking my blog coz Imma be posting much more constantly from now onwards.