Tuesday, May 18, 2010

death...

"Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all." - William Goldman

My eyes hurt so much.. and my body aches everywhere. I couldn't sleep yesterday night. I was at first chatting with my cousin back home who told  me that my aunt/Godmother [who has been in terminal stages of cancer] is extremely unwell and staying in intensive care... she was suffering so much... :(
Then I went to bed, with my mind full of sorrow, sadness and anger... I am angry at this life...

Today I called home to find my Mom at church with all my relatives and people of my hometown.
My aunt/Godmother has passed away at 3:00 am.
I couldn't stop crying on the phone... Mom did not want me to know about these bad news this early coz I have exams to worry about... But bad news travel fast.
I felt it... I knew it... my heart melt for it...

Mom made me speak on the phone to grandpa, grandma, and all my uncles and aunts. They all got to share my tears and listen to my trembling voice. Life is unfair... Life is unfair!!!

But I have to be strong. I cannot afford a breakdown at this time of the year. I am in the midst of very crucial exams. I have to continue studying for my papers... I am nowhere to be done... I have to remain strong!

But why do I need to remain strong? Why am I working hard? To go to college?? and then what???? Become further and further from home, family and beloved ones???
Life is not worth a single cent, without my family and loving people on my side... But I've left them all behind and went on to fulfill my greedy desires and materialistic needs!

I want to be home right now!!! It's so easy to give up on everything in this life!

I am so drained... my body hurts... everywhere
But I have to go to my books... I just came back from the exam room and I have exams to prepare for, coming tomorrow and the days after...

:'(
Sam

10 comments:

Brian said...

Sam, I'm sorry you are suffering so both mentally and physically right now. Don't be so sad, don't be discouraged. These things will pass. Your life is really just beginning, your whole future is ahead of you and I am sure it will be a good one. The efforts you are putting forth now in your schooling will pay great dividends in the future. It seems like a long path right now but in future years, looking back on it, it will seem like only a blink of an eye. You will have these low periods but they will be equally balanced by great highs.

I am sorry for the loss of your Aunt. Life is rough like this sometimes but you just have to go on.

Phunk Factor said...

Sorry to hear about ur loss, Sam!! A death of anybody, old or young, at anytime, busy or unoccupied, is a HUGE loss and a blow to one's heart!!

Hope u and ur family recovers from this tragic loss and may ur Godmother rest in peace!

While it's okay to be sad, don't mourn too long....u need to keep ur energy charged fr exams!! Hope ur exams go great!!

wayner said...

I think you are being a little too hard on yourself, Sam. Your Godmother has passed away after a terminal illness, and there is relief as well as mourning; I think watching someone suffer is worse than death. You have wonderful memories of her and you can bet she would not want you to dwell in depression; she would want you to get back into life and make the most of it. All children leave leave the nest eventually sometimes far away, but it is easy to keep in touch in this modern day and age. And she would also want you to complete your education and have financial sucess; then the options are open to you to help your family and give you freedom and enjoyment in life. So, get some sleep and focus on completing your school year. You're a good guy. bfn - Wayne (hugs)

tman said...

Oh Sam.... I'm so sorry that you lost your precious Godmother... My heart is heavy. I wish I could hug you, and make you feel less pain... Losing a loved one is difficult enough, without being so far from home. But, Sam, even tho you feel this sorrow, I'm sure that your Godmother would not want her passing on, to make you feel guilty, for living your life, and pursuing your education!

Listen, young man... I am a Godfather to six wonderful kids (some are really not kids, anymore), and I am heavily involved in their lives, and, I would NEVER want my passing to make them question the fairness of life, or their own decisions!! To the contrary, a Godparent thinks of their needs as being secondary to the needs of their Godchildren, and revels in the success and is tormented by the failure of the kids that they vowed to guide... I know, Sam, that your Godmother is tremendously proud of who you are, and how hard you work to get the most from your education! She may be gone from this world, but, she is still with you, kid... Make her proud, and do your very best, on the final exams, and papers that you MUST complete... I'll pray for you to have the strength that this will take... Life MUST go on, young Sam... luv & hugs, tman<3<3<3

Manu said...

sorry to hear that sammy, but just remember she is now in a better place, she is not suffering anymore, and this is not a good bye is just a long "see you".

here this song always helps me :)

Smile
tho'
your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

Seth said...

Very sorry for your loss. Hang in there and I hope you get through this trying period in life, I'm sure you will find the willpower.

*hugs*

tman said...

Are you OK, kid?? {{HUGS}} tman<3

B. said...

I'm so sorry, my condolences... :'( :(

Aaron said...

many a days i feel the same. when i moved 3000 miles away from home, death of a love one back home was one thing that i constantly have fear about. of the many crazy things i have done, death is one thing that can bring me down in no time. and at some points in my life, i also asked all the questions you asked - and maybe more. i made the decision to move home, but in the end, didn't do it. things got better and i am now enjoying being away from my family.

its an extremely difficult time for you right now and i really am so sorry. i really feel for you and i really wish there is something i could do to send u some positive thoughts to carry you through the exams under such emotional circumstances, and to send you some strength through this painful time. lots of love and thinking of you, Sam.

Sam said...

Many thanks to all of those who read my post and sent me their very best wishes whether by commenting or by simply thinking of me. You cannot imagine how grateful I am to have you around... and going with me through thick and thin.

I am doing better... trying to keep myself in one piece and pulling through the hard times. I am OK... and will blog again later to update you.

Thanks again! <3
Sam