Tuesday, May 18, 2010

death...

"Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all." - William Goldman

My eyes hurt so much.. and my body aches everywhere. I couldn't sleep yesterday night. I was at first chatting with my cousin back home who told  me that my aunt/Godmother [who has been in terminal stages of cancer] is extremely unwell and staying in intensive care... she was suffering so much... :(
Then I went to bed, with my mind full of sorrow, sadness and anger... I am angry at this life...

Today I called home to find my Mom at church with all my relatives and people of my hometown.
My aunt/Godmother has passed away at 3:00 am.
I couldn't stop crying on the phone... Mom did not want me to know about these bad news this early coz I have exams to worry about... But bad news travel fast.
I felt it... I knew it... my heart melt for it...

Mom made me speak on the phone to grandpa, grandma, and all my uncles and aunts. They all got to share my tears and listen to my trembling voice. Life is unfair... Life is unfair!!!

But I have to be strong. I cannot afford a breakdown at this time of the year. I am in the midst of very crucial exams. I have to continue studying for my papers... I am nowhere to be done... I have to remain strong!

But why do I need to remain strong? Why am I working hard? To go to college?? and then what???? Become further and further from home, family and beloved ones???
Life is not worth a single cent, without my family and loving people on my side... But I've left them all behind and went on to fulfill my greedy desires and materialistic needs!

I want to be home right now!!! It's so easy to give up on everything in this life!

I am so drained... my body hurts... everywhere
But I have to go to my books... I just came back from the exam room and I have exams to prepare for, coming tomorrow and the days after...

:'(
Sam

Monday, May 17, 2010

International Day against Homophobia and Transphobia

Hello All,

May 17th... It's a special day for all of us... 
I hope that one day (soon enough), homophobia becomes a word "our" kids (lol) would only check its definition in the dictionary for it is no longer seen nor practiced in real life...

I stumbled upon a magnificent letter a mother of a gay boy wrote to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont (April 2000). You might have read it or heard of it before, but here's the link for it... It's a great one! It meant so much to me - I think it would mean something to you too.

Here is an extract of my favourite part:

  "In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

  You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

  At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

  If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. 
  
  For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?"


 Love & Peace


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Should I get a gay roommate?

Hello friends!

I've missed you!!
I am doing alright... nothing special besides having to study for my exams... I am still procrastinating though. My first exam is this Tuesday and then I have 3 others in the same week. Wish me luck!
A lot has been happening and am quite excited to move into college. I already started making friends from there via facebook... I can't wait for college to start.

NOW, my university lets students choose their own roommates through some online forum thing as well as through facebook.
Do you guys think I should look for a gay roommate? Yes? No? Why?
What do you think are the pros and cons of having a gay roommate?
And how do you think I can hint that I am gay to the people I talk to and how can I tell if they are gay too, without asking them directly (which is awkward to do lol)

Please comment and also reply to my poll on the right.

Thanks  a lot!
Sam

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Do you talk often to that guy you love so much?

Of course!! VERY often actually... almost every day :) I'd die otherwise ><

Ask me anything

Are you cut or uncut?

what do you think? lol
I am not uncut :P

Ask me anything

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Do you think you will be able to concentrate on your studies in university with all the gay guys around? lol

hahaha
Good Question, man!!!
I hope to... maybe we can study altogether ;)

Ask me anything

Are you getting over any guilt complexes concerning your sexuality?

I think so - yes...
Btw, I was talking about this same issue today with my life coach: "overcoming the guilt feelings and becoming absolutely confident and comfortable with my sexuality."
I think I am on the right track - hopefully this will strengthen my sexual drive coz I used to suppress those feelings when I was younger out of guilt and this has affected my well being a little... But I like to believe that I am getting there... :)

Ask me anything

Are you taking something in university that will get you a job and some real money?

Hopefully lol (should I share what I am planning on studying? ask me then!)
wait...
Unless I find my rich prince charming... so who needs to work and worry about making monrey? lol

Ask me anything

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Good Bye for now

Happy Sunday!

Hope you're all doing well.

First, a few things to wrap up:

- Today are the elections in my hometown. I am confident my father will get most of the votes. Good luck Daddy, anyway!

- OMG! Mr. Neo just knocked on my door. He gave me my folder back with the banana on top of it. He had no facial expressions whatsoever... Ouch! "Thank you very much, Sir!!" is all I could say... :$

- By the way, Neo said I should come out to Mike (my best male friend). I know he'd be cool about it; especially that he probably suspects and has been pressurizing me to tell him about who is this person I am in love with and constantly chatting with.... I dunno if I'll do it. Maybe if something triggers it soon.

- I miss Charlie like hell!

- My younger sister and brother escaped from a huge car accident. A miracle must have happened. The car they were in is totally fucked up and they are feeling terrible... Thanks God for their survival!  Mom starts crying every 5 minutes. Please pray for my siblings and their friends so they recover soon.

Ok, here we go about my title:

I am on study leave for one week and must revise all the material I've been studying for the 2 year A-Level syllabus. I don't think I can do it. I might die meanwhile. My first exam starts on May 10th and the last one is on June 10th. So one month of hell is about to start.
I should get focused and plan something out to meet my exams well prepared. I must be well organized... sleep earlier than usual and sleep well... then get plenty of study hours during the day and whatnot. So I might be slow on blogging and won't blog as constantly as before.

THEREFORE.....

If you wanna hear from me, please check the following:
Ask me anything: http://www.formspring.me/SamHonest
And/Or
Email me something you want me to blog about confusedyethonest@gmail.com


Take care!
Sam

Imma go to the battle field and nail those exams down!