Thursday, April 29, 2010

Imma disappoint my parents :'(

(2nd post for today)

I am chatting to Mom... and finalizing with her my college decision.
I just asked her if they are OK with paying the remaining fees for my college education because I know it's more than what they said they're comfortable with...
So she was like, "of course we can because you are our everything..."

Then she said:
"We are ready to go into debts for you, Sam, to guarantee you the best education ever so that you achieve you ambitions and make all your dreams come true..."

That's too much to ask from them, bearing in mind that I have 3 other siblings who need to go to school and college and who also have huge expenses. My family is low to middle class!!!

I want to meet their expectations, make them proud of me and  see them happy to see me...
But all this aint gonna happen!
Why am I not straight? Why? Why? Why???
:'(

So all I could say to Mom in return was:
"Thanks a lot. I hope I meet your expectations and make you proud."

She said:
"of course you will! Unless the USA swallows you and keep you away from us...and unless you change and become someone different from the Sam we know and love."

The USA WILL swallow me. I am not planning on coming back home to live there permanently any time soon. The society is just too conservative for my liking and I cannot live a fake life. 
I have also changed! I change a lot, actually! I am not the same Sam they knew and loved!! I am gay, Bi, whatever I am... I am not the same Sam they raised, knew and loved...

:'(

4 comments:

wayner said...

Oh yes you are the same Sam they knew and loved! Your sexuality hasn't changed, just your acceptance. Most likely you will find a partner while at university; there are lots of well educated and highly successful homosexual couples out there who also have kids. You may also be in a financial position to help out your family and visit them often. Your mother's vision is for you to be financially successful and have a wife and kids. Your vision (I think) is to be financially successful and have a partner and maybe kids. There is very little difference. And all parents' offspring eventually move away from home, sometimes far away. If you are successful and true to yourself, I think you and your mother will be happier in the long run. Don't feel guilty, Sam, cos you are not able to come out now because of your family situation. You will be better able to handle the situation after a few years in university. Focus on your education and they will be proud no matter what. bfn - Wayne (hugs)

Anonymous said...

No one stays the same. From one day to the next, we change. We all change. Sometimes it happens slowly, sometimes so fast it makes our head spin.

You will change.
Your parents will change too. Sometimes you will approve. Sometimes you won't. Doesn't matter. We all change.

Eye said...

You're wrong, you ARE the sam they raised, just because you have different traits than you did before (let's say sexuality or even height) doesn't mean it's not you, people change but that doesn't mean they are someone else... even if it looks like it. Your parents are supporting you, they got your back and they wouldn't want you to make a choice you'll regret because of them.

You are Sam.. not a new Sam or the old Sam or another Sam, they are all Sam and they're all your parent's son, remember that, the only way you'd let them down is not being who you are

B. said...

OMG :( I totally understand you... I have the same problem and I'm scared of how I will disappoint my parents too, cause they don't even expect this.

But... on the other hand, you are still the same Sam, you are not bad person, you are still their son and maybe, MAYBE they will understand you if you explain to them. I still have hopes, but I will take it slow, really really slow with them... Cause I know how conservative society works...

We are here for you, to exchange experiences and to be your support, even though we don't know each other in person, we can still be good friends and support, cause this is really hard deal for some of us... I know!

BIG HUG, my friend...