Thursday, April 8, 2010

F my life - I am seeing a life coach

Hell-O

How are you all doing?
Hope life is happier on your sides.
Well, I have all the reason to be happy actually but I am not.
Please, excuse me for being quite emo lately... I am really OK though. I am not committing suicide any soon lol (I am joking!)

Anyway, I am still very lazy and not being able to get any school work done. fml. I hope this changes soon coz I really have to start prepping for my official finals.

I am seeing my life coach this Saturday (hopefully). I haven't seen her since last year coz she was on maternity leave. Back then, I used to discuss with her my homesickness and issues with friendships and self esteem. I only once mentioned to her that I think I might be gay but then she did not believe I am coz I did not give her valid reasons...
Now, loads of things have changed. She'd be shocked lol. I think I will ask her to help me with self acceptance issues.

I think I am bringing my love (the guy I met over the break) a hard time by being kinda childish. I love him so much - I know that for sure - but I have mixed feelings of low self esteem and sh!t like that. Plus, I miss him so much. He made the highlights of my life when I was with him. But I have to accept the fact that it's not possible to have big hopes for us. I know for sure that when I get a career and make money I'd visit him. He's a great friend (before being my first love) and I cannot afford losing his friendship.

I was chatting to Mom tonight and she was telling me about how proud of me she and my father are. She told me that I always made them proud - since nursery school lol. So I asked her if they'd ever be embarrassed at me (I was thinking about when I come out to them) so she said yes, if I ever make them lose their trust and confidence in me. I am sure they'd be embarrassed of me if I ever come out to them. So I won't do that any soon, or rather never ever.

Take care of yourselves, my friends....

Best,
Sam

7 comments:

xXxJoshuaxXx said...

The last two paragraphs broke my heart...

We will speak soon

alex said...

Hey Sam, cheer up friend, it is true that you have a lot on your mind at the moment but you should try to focus on your studies for a while, you think that when completed, will be a range of possibilities waiting for you, with love including in the package.
Animo y suerte.

tman said...

Sam, this you may not believe, but I have a feeling that your parents would be able to handle that kind of news better than you think... But, I understand your reluctance... I have not shared that with my parents, because they have sent many signals over the years that they would be unaccepting, and to be honest, I needed their acceptance when I was a young guy, not now... I still find it sad, but have grown to accept it...

The downside, tho, for you, is that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you of potential pain, if you don't share this with YOUR folks... I would think that, in this day and age, it would be far easier for you, than it was when I was growing up... Still, it is a very personal decision, and you're a smart kid, so I know that you'll make the right decision...

As far as your friend, I can only send a big hug your way... It's tough to feel that way, and know that there aren't good solutions for you, because of your age... But, I also know that there will be more guys for you in the future when you are ready... The first, tho, will always hold captive, a special part of your heart... luv, tman<3

wayner said...

Hi Sam. I think you are having the same feelings that every homosexual guy goes through. Your parents have trust and confidence that you will try your best to complete your education, not to get into trouble and have a career. Your sexuality is not your parent's decision. Many homosexuals have led miserable lives by getting married to women as their parents expected. You don't have to do that in this day and age. In my younger years, I had to put up with feelings of guilt over my sexuality because I never heard anything positive about homosexuality. I am very bitter about that today and will take these feelings of resentment against straight society to my grave. I don't want that for young homosexuals today. That is why you need the support of gay friends; maybe you can talk to that gay teacher sometime. And the future can be exciting for you as you continue your education and meet some new young gay guys. And you know best when to come out to your parents down the road; maybe when you are settled with a partner. You may have a little case of the blues for a while, but your conflict is with religion and your parents, and your sexuality. You should consider a new viewpoint on these issues. Not being with your lover is tough though, but get your life going again for him. bfn - Wayne (hugs)

Sam said...

;(

thx guys..

life coach said...

Hi! Cheer up. Life has its ups and downs. Always remember to believe in yourself. Give yourself that opportunity to know your true self and be happy. Life is about you and how you live with the rest of the world. Stay strong. :)

naturgesetz said...

You know your parents and I don't, and it's your decision whether to come out to them or not. But you might ask yourself whether they would be more likely "to lose their trust and confidence" in you if you came out to them or if they found out you were hiding your orientation from them. Could it be that your mom suspects and is trying to encourage you to tell her?Maybe you can discuss it with your life coach.

Good luck.