Thursday, March 11, 2010

Me questioning me...


I am questioning myself a lot… not quite about my confusion though.

I am hearing back from all my US schools by April – I don’t only want admission, but also a full scholarship/financial aid package (my parents cannot pay a single cent)
With all the consequences of the last economic crisis, schools are not as generous as before and it’s costs spent on International students that they always reduce first.
I received yesterday a letter from one of the schools I applied to. It is a decently competitive one, but not the most selective one on my list (not my dream college). They said they’d put me on the waiting list... fuck them!
I am questioning; if this school decided to put ME on the waiting list; what will the others do? The more competitive universities might just send me rejection letters all the way. fml
And then, Good Bye to my dream of an American education and lifestyle…
I did get accepted by two US schools already though (one is like a safety and one is VERY competitive) which is good but none of them has given me financial aid yet…. April is the Big month too!!
I am so nervous.

My mock exams are going well, I guess. I am doing my best without necessarily exhausting myself to the maximum.

I sat and chatted with Mary for like 2 hours yesterday. We talked about our families… (she’s a single child and is planning on meeting her biological father soon.)
I told her that I am bisexual two days ago in a very random fashion, but it was in a funny, joking way. She asked me if I am joking, serious, or just confused…. So I said “confused” at first, and then told her “No, No! I am not” (also in a joking way). She asked me to elaborate but then we had to go to our opposite dorms so I told her I’ll tell her more about this soon… I hope I don’t chicken out the next time such a conversation gets triggered.
But Bleh! Why do I need to come out to her? Nothing will change anyway, so I am just gonna give up on this and focus on my studies instead.

Deviant News:

1- I think I am falling in love (yeah! with a real person…) I know I am not meant to or rather it’s unhealthy for me, but I cannot help it… Every time I speak to that person I start smiling like a silly and yeah. hihihi

2- I have relaxed my hair (with chemical products). Most of my friends think it’s cool; few say it’s not. I’ve been called all names; Joe Jonas, French, Spark (from star wars lol), semi Asian semi American… why can’t I just look like myself?? Mom asked for pics so I sent her some and she told me she hates my new hair and that it’s not nice. She thinks I look like my sister’s ex bf (whom she and I hate lol)

3- I miss my gay former teacher so much! There’s a lot of things I would like to talk to him about… He told me he’s coming back soon so I’ll probably get to meet him in secret again lol

I am going back to my studies now. Got 2 exams tomorrow and three on Saturday.

Hope you’re all well :)


wayner said...

All you can do is apply to a whack of universities and pick the most beneficial one. Good luck. You didn't say if your person of interest is male or female; I hope you are listening to your true sexual urges before getting serious. It will save you some grief down the road. The hair thing; I dunno, I like low maintenance so short hair is best for me. (I still have hair and only a bit grey! Lucky me.) bfn - Wayne

tman said...

Good luck, Sam... I'll keep my fingers crossed!! I remember those times well; All the nervous energy building at the end of each day; racing home to check the mail; opening the letters that seemed like life or death @ the time... Looking back, though, there were many more options than I considered... Ultimately, if you don't win the college 'lottery', you can sit down with a counselor and look at creative ways (fed grants/loans,etc.) to fund your education.... Where there's a will, there's a way... Corny, but still true!!

Good luck on the love front, too!! Ain't life just so much complicated fun??? lol luv, tman<3

Sam said...

Thank you guys!
I need all possible well wishes... I am so nervous about college!

My person of interest is a He! ;)

wayner said...

Sweeeeeeeet! - Wayne :O

tman said...

You'll be fine, kid!! luv, tman<3612 hugs2

Manu said...

nice :) the same happens to me I'm sooo in love lol :P

what is "mock exams" ?

hmm did you applied or schools in your own country?

Bubby said...

Hey Sam, been awhile, I have been a little distracted lately. Just to wish you well with all you decisions, I am sure you will work it all out.

All the best.

Sam said...

@ Wayner:
Are you proud of me, Mr. Wayne?

@ Tman:
Thanks! I hope so too

@ Manu:
Love is awesome... hihihi
Mock exams are internal school exams that are meant to test whether you're prepared to take the actual official exams at the end of the school year (which are Cambridge A-Levels in my case)
I did NOT apply to any school in my home country. I don't wanna go back there for now. I wanna go to the US of A! ;)

@ Bubbly:
True, man!! it's been a while... I've been so busy too. Thanks for your wishes and hope you're all good!
Hope to catch up soon :)