Friday, March 12, 2010

life is worth nothing! :'(

"La vie ne vaut a rien et Rien ne vaut la vie..."

"Life is worth nothing & Nothing is worth life..."

Hey guys!

I received today another email from a US university that already admitted me in December (it's like a safety school  for me). They told me that they did not select me to receive their full scholarship...
==> I am not gonna enroll there.
It's not like I wanted to go there so badly but I really wished they'd given me the scholarship, then I'd be relieved to know that if worst comes to worst, I have to place to go.

Two University replies so far and it's not early April yet
+
Two of the replies are BAD news!

can't get any better??

Mom just emailed me saying that the father of one of my very good friends back home just passed away.
He's like barely 45 years old and super cool! He had some heart failure, they said, went into coma and died yesterday...

It makes me wonder...
Life is really worth nothing...

We work hard and hard and hard....
We worry, we stress, we cry, we struggle, we suffer...
and then we work harder...

WHY????
I can die in any second... A beloved one can leave me in any second...

Lemme go back to my school books now, if I can still manage to focus...
I have to kick asses of three exams tomorrow...

I am fine, a bit sad... a bit fed up with this life on earth... but I am fine!

Thanks for reading
Sam

9 comments:

Old Midhurstian said...

Sam
The sad fact is that death is inevitable and we're seldom ready for it. All you can do is hold on to the good things and keep going.

Love
Mac

Octavius said...

Dude that sucks. It is never easy to lose someone you love. My thoughts are with you and your friends family.

Good luck with those exams. Kick them very hard indeed.

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

Micky said...

Just don't stress. Cool it and find some good things to enjoy now and then amongst all the angst.

wayner said...

Cheer up, Sam; I hate to see you sad. Yes life is a roller coaster, but sometimes people tend to blow things all out of proportion in their minds. The psychologists say to the anxious or depressed person 'well, what IS the worst that can possible happen?' Sometimes the worst isn't all that bad. Fate can be strange. Sometimes one path which seems the best might lead to death, while the less satisfactory path might make you insanely happy in the end. Who really knows? Do the best you can with the resources available to you and evaluate all the options. I am wishing you luck; but you are doing a lot of that yourself with your own hard work. Stay focused; - Wayne :)

alex said...

Someone once told me that the only requirement to die, is to be alive, everything else is optional. Although we all like to live a long life, the most important thing is not the "quantity" of life, if not the "quality" of it, learning to enjoy, to savor and rejoice for each day that we live and every activity we do.
Cheer up Sam, there are 9 universities still do not have replied, surely at least one of them suits you.

tman said...

Hey Sam...
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling a little blue... sometimes difficult challenges come one on top of another, and we have to reach around for support. Having good friends and family is really helpful and it is now that you should lean on others a little to help you through the tough times... That's completely fair...
Don't forget though, that these challenges will always test your faith- There are things in life that just never make any sense when you believe in a loving God, and there are plenty of corny things that people say to justify this conundrum, but they ring hollow to me and so I won't bore you with them now...
What I will ask you to do, is to spend a little time in recollection, and enjoy some fond memories of the life of the friend that just passed... In my life, I feel blessed to have shared these nice times with people and understand that all of life is a very temporary thing that prepares us for what lies beyond... I take comfort in that, because I truly believe in an after life, and now I'm going to tell you why....

When I was 6 years old, I received the rite of Holy Communion. That night, as I slept, I had the most vivid dream, in which I experienced what I can only describe as total and complete love... I felt this incredible comfort and joy and heard the most beautiful music that I had ever heard, before, or since... I remember understanding for some reason, that I was getting a glimpse of that which was waiting for me... I cried when I awoke. Nobody understood, or believed my attempts to describe the event in my limited 6 year old vocabulary... Looking back, as I have done, many times, over the years since, I now think that I experienced what Christians describe as Grace. I know it may sound strange, but it happened the way I describe...

By itself, that experience was enough to change my life; it was transformational... But, that wasn't the only thing that happened...

Four years later, when I was 10 years old, I drowned in a lake in Connecticut. I had come to this place with my family and my uncle's family to spend a beautiful day on his lakefront beach, swimming and picnicking, and playing with my brother and sisters and cousins... At one point, during the day, all the kids were swimming, and horsing around and I swam away from the group and into deeper water, to get attention, and then 'pretended' to drown like the kids had been doing, and nobody was paying attention anymore... To get more attention, I started to do water somersaults, laughing, clowning, and then, inhaled a large amount of water, accidentally. I was disoriented at the time, upside down I guess, and panicked, thrashing around under water, until I slowly lost the ability to move my arms... I remember sinking thru the depths and rolling over to see the surface of the lake some 8 feet or so away... I couldn't move and thought 'This can't be happening, I'm a good swimmer'...

tman said...

Sorry Sam, I don't want to run out of space-

Anyways, it was impossible to move and the thoughts started to go through my mind and I felt asn incredible sadness... What would happen to my Mom and Dad and family when they realized that I was gone??? I don't know how long this took to happen, but I then felt the same incredible love that I had experienced @ age 6... From the surface of the water, a golden light enveloped me and I felt at peace with everything... Then, a voice spoke to me, in my head, and softly said,' Not now, my son, you have more to do...' I felt the warmth still, but slowly drifted into darkness, until I awakened, my face on the sand of the beach, and quarts of water pouring out of my throat... Everybody was standing over me, Mom crying, my sisters crying, my brother with a shocked look on his face... I laid there for a moment and then was carried to a blanket nearby and wrapped in some large beach towels... I slowly realized that I had returned to this life, and I started to cry... Everybody thought that I was just scared from the drowning, but they never understood, and I stopped trying to explain why I was sad... Even though I was back with my family, I felt torn from the most wonderful love that I had ever felt, and to this day have not felt again... It's very hard to describe, and I suppose many people will doubt my story, or have explanations for it, but I don't care... What I know, is that there is more for me to do. I also know that love is waiting for me. And, I know, that this life is a temporary thing that we cling to, sometimes as if it was all that there is or will be... That, Sam, is not true... love you, tman<3

scottiestoybox said...

Hello Sam. I have been thinking of you all day.

As for scholarships, money is tight all over. Here one factor they use is your families income level. Maybe the fact your family can't help may be a blessing. If not see if you can get employment assistance to off set what they don't give in out right grants. I understand why collage is expensive, but wish everyone who wants to could go. Education is the future of the world.

On death, everyone had important things to say, but I think Alex stressed a great point in savoring life. None of us has a guarantee on how long we will live, or even the type of life we will have. Life is made good or bad by your attitude about it. It matters not the circumstances of your life, it does matter how you feel about, handle, and accept your life. You make it or lose it by yourself.

As to death, there is no words one person can say to another that heals or helps the pain or loss of death. The important thing to remember is that no one is lost who is remembered. The more memories you can hold of a person, the more that person will always be with you. So with everyone you meet you should try to make the best memories you can,the sweetest, funniest, caring memories so you can look back and remember them. I try to avoid making angry or mean or hurtful memories. Why would we want to hold on to them?

Why do we go through all we do just to live? Because we can. If it doesn't seem like much ask your self the alternative. I don't mean about a religious belief in a hereafter, I am talking about why try to live. If you don't you will still have the same amount of time spent, but have none of the grand times and feelings and memories. The most important reason to try, is to share that time, that life and those memories with another person in a loving fulfilling relationship.

And that Sam is the greatest success of all in life. Not money or fame or power. Just a life with someone filled with love.

Good luck on your exams, remember to take care of your self, in all ways.

Warmth, Hugs, and best wishes,
Scottie

Sam said...

Mac, Octavius, Mickey, Wayne, Alex, Tman, Scottie...
Thank you so so much!
I am speechless....

OK, lemme try to say how I feel:
I am so happy right now to have started blogging and to have met you all. You can't imagine how helpful you are and how much your comments and just the fact that you around me and part of my life is rewarding to me.

Love,
Sam