Monday, March 29, 2010

I have a gay life, but…

So, I haven’t blogged in the past days coz I was staying at my Chinese teacher’s place with limited internet access.
I had a great time. Just the fact of being part of a small family, away from the school environment is wonderful. I had great food, slept on a super comfy bed, felt loved, watched cinema (How to train your dragon; such a cute movie!!), etc… 
PS: The cute Chinese guy (teacher's son) had his girlfriend over - but still... I enjoyed his looks :)
We talked pretty much - he's so smart, friendly and cute *sigh* and his gf is also nice.

I just got back to campus and am having a Chinese crash course then going to have dinner with my teacher and classmates.
About the title of this post.
Well, I have a gay (i.e. happy) life. My family is loving and caring – hopefully everybody is healthy – and I attend a prestigious high school, get high grades, am on good terms with my teachers and have decent friendships. I also do have gay friends. I have 2 – well actually 3, including Neo – gay teachers and they’re all quite supportive. And I also have my blog and my online friends who are all extremely supportive too.
Moreover, I am hearing good news from colleges so hopefully my future (tertiary education and ultimately career) will meet my high expectations and ambitions. By the way, I have already been admitted to FIVE US universities and 3 amongst them are quite competitive (admission rates around 20%).
So my life is gay, my life is happy… right?
NO! I am gay! In as much as my life seems perfect, a small imperfection could bring me down, all the way down and make me feel miserable.
I have things in my life that people dream of having and people around me are either jealous or proud of me and my achievements (which are both good signs lol). But if only they knew…
If only they knew that I am not the way I am meant to be. If only they get the full picture of me, of my identity and of my life.
Would they still be jealous? Would they still be proud?

I was chatting to Mon a few days ago and all she kept telling me is how much she hopes she sees me married and having my own kids before she dies (God forbid).
Would this ever happen?
Not in my society - Not in this world… Not in my book.

Don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong with being gay or whatever… I know this! But society does not… my family doesn’t, most of my friends don’t, and religion doesn’t. Fuck the system!

I have a gay life, but….

PS: I am traveling tomorrow for about a week and may not be able to blog – I am not sure. But anyway, I hope you keep well and Happy Easter in advance to all my fellow Christians. Please wish me luck as I go on this journey… This trip might be life changing. I am so excited :D



Daemon said...

Just wanted to say that your orientation, no matter how at odds it may seem at times to your current life and status is NOT am imperfection, but an amazing and beautiful part of who you are.

Learn to love yourself and let those who pour shame or guilt into you life fall by the wayside.

To thing ownself be true...


wayner said...

Daemon is so right! Quit treating being gay as an imperfection or failing; if other people including your family have a problem with it, THEY are the ones with the problem, not you. If you do accept yourself as homosexual, you should develope a long-term plan to deal with it. That means having a circle of gay and gay-friendly people (which you already do) for support. You may even find more people like this during your secondary education. Maybe it would be best not to come out to your family until you are settled in a career and are financially independent, and also living in a gay-friendly area. In the meantime, you are living with a 'room-mate', not a lover lol. And many girls enjoy the company of gay guys who are out and you can do so without a guilty conscience. So there are ways around this coming out problem and you are no dummy, so you may have ideas of your own. So go ahead and revel in your sexuality; don't let others take that joy away from you. bfn - Wayne :)

tman said...

Hey Sam... Just a reminder- it doesn't matter what mortals believe, although it can be hurtful to hear... shrug it off, kid- they're a dying breed! God loves you, and NOBODY can take that away... I love you too, so build off of that, and surround yourself with loving people, when you can... be patient with your Mom... her expectations are selfish, but such is life!! My mom still won't talk about my orientation, and she's 84 years old!! lol What are you going to do?? Just move ahead with your life, secure in the knowledge that you are loved!! tman<3 hugs2!

Sam said...

Daemon, Wayne, Tman...
Thank you so much for your thoughts
I am sorry for being so moody about this whole issue. Imma keep your words in my mind.

scottiestoybox said...

Sam some cultures and places are not as restrictive as others. Some are really open and accepting. Some day the world will be open to diversity everywhere I hope, but that will only be done when all young people like yourself demand the respect your due. As others have said being gay doesn't mean you are less of a human or flawed. If you are depending on others to certify your worth there will always be those who will try to better them self by making you less. Don't let them. You determine your value in this life. Let your actions and deeds as a complete gay person bring you joy and the people around you happiness.

enjoyment and merriment to you

Eye said...

I get what you mean, you have a good life, but it's not the life you want.

But, just because other people want what you have doesnt mean its necessarily good... just think of money for example. If i get this the right way, you dont like your life but don't want to complain because it's actually good, right? well, you DO have the right, it's your life, you set the standards, eh?

Old Midhurstian said...

Sorry, haven't been around for a while for personal reasons.

It's already been said so I'll just add my voice, that you're gay is most definitely NOT an imperfection it is who and what you are and is something to cherish.

I would hope that everyone around you would be proud of your achievements whatever they are and being truthful and fearless about your sexuality is a great achievement in itself.


B. said...

Our famous writer said the best words ever (I'm translating as best as I can): It's strange how so little we are lack of, but it's even stranger how that little is always hard to find.

There's a lot problems in your and everyone's life and just be yourself with the people you care about a lot and who can understand you... Everything will come with a time and everything is happening with a reason...

Recently, I'm also feeling like I'm lying to everybody and hiding the BIG part of my life, but I know that I'm not ready to come out cause a lot of people wont't understand.

Sam said...

This is a nice quote....
Time shall resolve everything... hopefully!