Friday, March 26, 2010

I am going to sleep with the cutest Chinese boy :)


Wassup? How’s everybody doing?
I had a great day at that water park/resort thingy yesterday. It was fun: I went through water slides, chilled on the grass, walked around, had good food, chilled in a tube and floated in that river around the resort…
I spent almost all day with Mary and we talked so freely and happily. It was a great idea talking to her about my confusion… I think.
Now, our friendship is growing more… she says she trusts me a lot now and does not mind sharing with me anything. I am loving her!!
She keeps telling me that I should talk about my confusion with this other guy (Syl) we are both close friends with. She says: “Syl would understand you better, talk to him.” She does not say why she thinks so… Could he also be gay?

I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk to him (although I trust him and he trusts me a lot). I just feel like I am enough with only Mary knowing about me for now. As I said before, I fear that once I start coming out to friends, I will ultimately come out to everybody and then there will be no turning back.
I don’t want this to happen!!!! Ok, you’ll hate me for what I am about to say but I’ll say it anyway:
I still hope that one day I’ll realize that I am straight, after all. I want to be straight. I still have self-acceptance issues, I know… I suck like that! :(

Anyway, I just put myself in a bad mood by talking about this so I’ll wrap up this post.

I am going tomorrow to my Chinese teacher’s place. She’s hosting me for 3 days at her house coz she likes me lol, I mean coz I am on holiday.
PS: She has one child… He’s the cutest Chinese boy ever. He is like 21 and absolutely adorable! I’ve only met him once before but we did not talk much. He seems so hard to get. I hope I sleep in his room lol… That would be interesting hehe. He might not be around much though coz my teacher told me that he’s busy with university projects. But he’s sooo cute!! I can totally fall in love with him... I hope I get to control myself though. 
So about the title of this post. One correction. I missed out a few words:
I am going to sleep - in the same room - with the cutest Chinese boy :)

When I get back from my teacher’s place, I’ll pack my bigger luggage and go on my next holiday trip. And that’s something I am really looking forward to. It might be life-changing! LOL I am so excited!

Two US colleges have gotten back to me in the past 2 days: one is fairly competitive, one is HIGHLY competitive. I got admitted into BOTH!!! Thank you LORD!!! I Love You!!! :)
God loves me so much! (although I am not that worthy)

Have a great weekend, my friends!

He's even cuter than this...


scottiestoybox said...

Oh Sam, I to love the orientals, they are very cute. You say you want to be straight, and you are not ready to accept your feelings and hope they change. That is OK dude. There YOUR feelings.

But if I may point out something to you. I don't think it is so much you want to be straight as you want what straight people have and can do in our society.

You want acceptance of family and friends, you want them to be proud of your mate. You want your employers ( or anyone ) to be accepting of you and not to even consider your sexuality. You want not to have to deal with the extra issue of dating guys or having friends know this about you. Also mostly I think you want children and feel as a gay guy you can't have them and wont be allowed to have them. You may feel that others will think you can't be a good parent.

One other thing, you often have talked about the backlash of coming out. That means you feel others will look down on you for being gay, that you will not be as good or as important as a straight boy would be. You basically feel limited by being gay, and so you hope it will go away.

Sam you can live your life ignoring your desire for guys, you can pretend to be straight, marry a girl, and even have children. Some gay men have been living this kind of lie for most of recored time. I was talking today to a 74 year old man who did just that, and he now is alone and regrets never having been with a man. He feels his whole life is a lie and in a way it was, as he never knew happiness living this way.

I wont tell you what to do, you need to tell your self what you want out of life and then pursue it. Only you know what is important to you and how important those things are.

Ask your self who you are. How do you be true to your self. Do you wish to live your life without looking back with regrets. How best to do this. Then you will know what to do and how to do it.

Best wishes, love and hugs, and so many warm thoughts,

tman said...

Hey Sam... Congrats on the school front!! WOOT!! That took a little pressure off, huh?? Of course, there was never any doubt in my mind that you would hear from them!! I'm also glad that you're having a good break... you've worked hard, and deserve it!!

As far as the 'wishing yourself straight' deal- I felt the same way, when I was young... mostly when I was in my early childhood, tho!! I spent a long time (not wasted, but I also wish it hadn't been necessary), learning to accept myself, and my place in this world...

All of us, from an early age, want to be accepted, so for you, and other young guys, it's pretty normal to wish that it wasn't such a battle!! Someday, it won't! I have seen the process over my lifetime, and it is substantial, but it still has a ways to go... In the meantime, understand, that however you decide to express your love, as long as it is in a responsible, caring way, you will always be a child of God... Nobody can take that from you.

Of course, you know my feelings on the main topic in this post.... I really believe that you are born into this life a certain way, so your true choices, are limited to who you are... You can try to deceive yourself and others, but, in the end, you are, who you are! Live with the knowledge that you are loved, Sam... love you! tman<3<3

wayner said...

Hi Sam. Glad you are having some fun, and for finding an understanding girl. That was one thing I hated about being forced into the closet; having to deceive and avoid girls. In my teens I too thought I could 'go straight', someday and actually gave it a try for 2 years, much to my regret. I loved being homosexual, and was angry with myself for the charade. All I can tell you is that if you deny your true sexual urges, that it could put you in danger of an expensive and nasty divorce or common law split-up in the future usually in middle age. Being straight may be what your friends and family want, but not what you really want. So what is going to suck worse; living as a homosexual (and having a clear conscience), or living a lie with some nasty consequences in the future? I am talking about losing your home, family, life savings, respect, and being stuck possibly with alimony and child support. (and men have committed suicide because of this) Of course, the decision about accepting your true sexuality can be done over time with more sexual experience and friends to support you. If your true sexual urges were heterosexual, then life might be easier in some ways but might be harder in others. Many married guys resent their loss of freedom and being shackled to a long-term financial committment. There are pluses and minuses with both and a lot of variables. But in the end, I think the happiest life overall is the one that is true to your sexual urge. I guess the best thing to do is take your time; you'll be going on to secondary education soon. - bfn Wayne :)

Phunk Factor said...

Hahaha...the way u write is extremely cute!! Great going!!

The 'self-acceptance''ll cross that bridge on ur own term! The fear of how people will reach against u and ur significant other un-nerves even the most confident and enigmatic people!

And congrats on a the getting the reply!! :D

Billy said...

Like Scottie said.

Maybe you will find a girl you are comfortable with, who likes you and wants to settle down with you. She will offer you all you want in terms of family, kids, and social acceptance. Many, many gay guys reach this point.

If you choose the straight path you'll be forced to keep your real feelings in the closet for the rest of your life, because they wont go away. You can either repress them or lead the double life. This means constantly deceiving your family. Believe me, I've known a lot of guys who've done this. It usually ends badly, often when they're discovered, and they lose everything.

If you choose the gay path you most likely lose the opportunity to have children, and to be part of everything in life which families are a part of. This is the path I chose, and while I regret not having kids I'm so glad I've been able to be honest and open in my relationships. And hey, my nieces and nephews love their favourite uncle who spoils them rotten!

Sam said...

@ Scottie, Tman, and Wayne:

Thanks a lot! You cannot imagine how tremendously beneficial and uplifting your thoughts always are. I am so proud I have you in my life.
Society, Society, Society...
I should prove them all wrong one day... just gotta work on my confidence and let my achievements shine happiness upon me :)
One day...

@ Phunk Factor:
Thank you :)
I am glad you enjoy my writing lol

@ Billy:
My Advisor at school (also gay) told me the exact same thing while he was dropping at my Chinese teacher's place.
I just want to be ultimately happy. I shall not fake myself nor the people around me.
Thank you for your thoughts!


B. said...

Living in that environment where your sexuality is not accepted, of course that you wish to "turn back" to straight, but you can't help it how you feel toward man.

And even I live in such environment I started accepting myself as I am, and this recent events are helping me a lot, and one part of me really wants to come out to everybody, but still I don't want that. And the worst problem is my parents, and I think that yours too...

Just be careful whatever you are doing and be careful to who you come out. Mary is good, I can see that, she won't betray you, but there's a lot of mean and jelaous people, so please be careful. I don't want to see you get hurt!

LOL, looking forward to read the post about sleeping with a Chinese guy... :)


Sam said...

Thank you! :)
Yeah, Mary is lovely!