Monday, March 29, 2010

I have a gay life, but…



So, I haven’t blogged in the past days coz I was staying at my Chinese teacher’s place with limited internet access.
I had a great time. Just the fact of being part of a small family, away from the school environment is wonderful. I had great food, slept on a super comfy bed, felt loved, watched cinema (How to train your dragon; such a cute movie!!), etc… 
PS: The cute Chinese guy (teacher's son) had his girlfriend over - but still... I enjoyed his looks :)
We talked pretty much - he's so smart, friendly and cute *sigh* and his gf is also nice.

I just got back to campus and am having a Chinese crash course then going to have dinner with my teacher and classmates.
About the title of this post.
Well, I have a gay (i.e. happy) life. My family is loving and caring – hopefully everybody is healthy – and I attend a prestigious high school, get high grades, am on good terms with my teachers and have decent friendships. I also do have gay friends. I have 2 – well actually 3, including Neo – gay teachers and they’re all quite supportive. And I also have my blog and my online friends who are all extremely supportive too.
Moreover, I am hearing good news from colleges so hopefully my future (tertiary education and ultimately career) will meet my high expectations and ambitions. By the way, I have already been admitted to FIVE US universities and 3 amongst them are quite competitive (admission rates around 20%).
So my life is gay, my life is happy… right?
NO! I am gay! In as much as my life seems perfect, a small imperfection could bring me down, all the way down and make me feel miserable.
I have things in my life that people dream of having and people around me are either jealous or proud of me and my achievements (which are both good signs lol). But if only they knew…
If only they knew that I am not the way I am meant to be. If only they get the full picture of me, of my identity and of my life.
Would they still be jealous? Would they still be proud?

I was chatting to Mon a few days ago and all she kept telling me is how much she hopes she sees me married and having my own kids before she dies (God forbid).
Would this ever happen?
NO!
Not in my society - Not in this world… Not in my book.

Don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong with being gay or whatever… I know this! But society does not… my family doesn’t, most of my friends don’t, and religion doesn’t. Fuck the system!

I have a gay life, but….

PS: I am traveling tomorrow for about a week and may not be able to blog – I am not sure. But anyway, I hope you keep well and Happy Easter in advance to all my fellow Christians. Please wish me luck as I go on this journey… This trip might be life changing. I am so excited :D

Bestest,
Sam

Friday, March 26, 2010

I am going to sleep with the cutest Chinese boy :)



Heya!

Wassup? How’s everybody doing?
I had a great day at that water park/resort thingy yesterday. It was fun: I went through water slides, chilled on the grass, walked around, had good food, chilled in a tube and floated in that river around the resort…
I spent almost all day with Mary and we talked so freely and happily. It was a great idea talking to her about my confusion… I think.
Now, our friendship is growing more… she says she trusts me a lot now and does not mind sharing with me anything. I am loving her!!
She keeps telling me that I should talk about my confusion with this other guy (Syl) we are both close friends with. She says: “Syl would understand you better, talk to him.” She does not say why she thinks so… Could he also be gay?

I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk to him (although I trust him and he trusts me a lot). I just feel like I am enough with only Mary knowing about me for now. As I said before, I fear that once I start coming out to friends, I will ultimately come out to everybody and then there will be no turning back.
I don’t want this to happen!!!! Ok, you’ll hate me for what I am about to say but I’ll say it anyway:
I still hope that one day I’ll realize that I am straight, after all. I want to be straight. I still have self-acceptance issues, I know… I suck like that! :(

Anyway, I just put myself in a bad mood by talking about this so I’ll wrap up this post.

I am going tomorrow to my Chinese teacher’s place. She’s hosting me for 3 days at her house coz she likes me lol, I mean coz I am on holiday.
PS: She has one child… He’s the cutest Chinese boy ever. He is like 21 and absolutely adorable! I’ve only met him once before but we did not talk much. He seems so hard to get. I hope I sleep in his room lol… That would be interesting hehe. He might not be around much though coz my teacher told me that he’s busy with university projects. But he’s sooo cute!! I can totally fall in love with him... I hope I get to control myself though. 
So about the title of this post. One correction. I missed out a few words:
I am going to sleep - in the same room - with the cutest Chinese boy :)

When I get back from my teacher’s place, I’ll pack my bigger luggage and go on my next holiday trip. And that’s something I am really looking forward to. It might be life-changing! LOL I am so excited!

PS:
Two US colleges have gotten back to me in the past 2 days: one is fairly competitive, one is HIGHLY competitive. I got admitted into BOTH!!! Thank you LORD!!! I Love You!!! :)
God loves me so much! (although I am not that worthy)

Have a great weekend, my friends!
Sam

He's even cuter than this...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I licked a girl and came out to another one

Hey!!

It's been a short while and loads is happening...
First, BIG welcome to the new followers and thanks a lot for all those who take time to pass by my blog.
It means the world to me, seriously!! <3

I am gonna be brief and tell you two major things that are up; I promise to give more details soon.
I am on holidays but am still very busy with lots of things happening around.

I had a school dance on Tuesday which I enjoyed. At the very end of it, I was walking around with this first year girl who is so flirtatious and then I was eating some candy. I asked her randomly if she likes some so she said yes and I was like: "Take it from my mouth!". So she did. I kinda licked her then gave her a smack. We could definitely make out but she had a mild cold and so I didn't want to get contaminated. (I think I am getting sick though. fml)

Today, I was chilling with Mary (best female friend) and YES! I kinda came out to her. I was a bit nervous and what not but she has been very supportive and I LOVE her so much... I will give you the details soon (promise). I have to go now coz am using my room mate's laptop and have to delete my browzing history before he comes back for his laptop.

PS: My mother is annoyed at me coz we haven't chatted in while (3 days). She thinks this is a strategy I am following to make her forget about me coz I have already moved on and stopped caring about her and my family. FML! I have to call her tomorrow... and explain things. She does not understand that I am growing up and becoming more independent. I cannot remain Mommy's boy forever... right?

I am going tomorrow to a nice water resort and complex with my school. It'd better be fun. I'll also be with Mary which will give us time to talk more about me and her too...

I miss someone special so much and want to hug him so tightly right now!
He'd better not be ditching me... :(

Gee! Life keeps getting more complicated and exciting (lol) day by day...

Hope all is well on your sides!!
Sammy

Monday, March 22, 2010

I can make a good housewife... I mean househusband

Good day!
 
We had an Arts festival at school yesterday evening. It was fun, had plenty of singing, dancing and stuff like that. I get so jealous when I see people being able to sing and dance that well... I know for a fact that I cannot sing (I do not have a good voice) but I really want to learn how to dance. I think I’ll take some dance course in college: Hip Hop & Ballroom Dancing…
When the show was over, I had a terrible feeling of loneliness so I went online for a while and didn’t have much people to talk to. So I headed to my room and sat in bed thinking and watching youtube videos of gay guys kissing… this made me feel even worse and my loneliness was intensified.

Later, Mike (best guy friend) saw me and asked me if I’d help him pack (coz he traveled today to the US for a college interview). So I went to his room and did his ironing. It took me like an hour to iron only 3 shirts… but I am good at such stuff (mom’s student ><). Then, I helped him arrange some of his stuff and went back to my room. I lay down in bed at around 1:00 am but did not switch off the light coz I wanted to do some other stuff later on. I woke up this morning feeling so exhausted and was late for breakfast (so did not eat). The light was still on this morning; I probably blacked out without noticing lol 
I felt so messed up the whole day and I do not know why – as if someone has beaten me up while asleep lol

Today and tomorrow we don’t have classes at school. We’re basically working in teams on our community service projects. In the afternoon, I went to my room (also bored and lonely) and did some sewing. I had a few pants that needed to be adjusted to my height. 
See? I can make a good househusband? Any potential groom interested? Hehe

My spring holiday officially starts on Wednesday. We have a senior retreat fun day.
Tonight I am going to a school play – I don’t have part in it. I am so NOT involved in extra stuff at school. I just want to get into college and graduate. Oh, I also want to find someone to love – preferably a guy lol






Have a lovely week y’all!
Lonely Sam 

naughty funny jokes to start the week with a smile :)



Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!


 Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...


New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.


Q: Why is Sex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you’ll have to do it again...


Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


Q: Why do 90% women have left boob bigger than the right?
A: Because 90% men are right handed.


Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... It’s SHOWTIME!


Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.


 Advantages of having an affair with married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.


My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.
Why? Because, they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple (I love Chinese people though)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

questions for heterosexuals :)




I would like to wrap up the sexual identity posts I’ve been doing. So I’ll end it with something meaningful yet cool… I loved it when I first read it so I hope you enjoy it too (if you haven’t seen it before).

So, here are a few of the questions we, ‘different’ people, get asked by ‘normal’ people.

But what if we were to reverse them?


1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?
6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?
10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?
11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

yesterday's dinner, and I am free


Happy Sunday!

I had a good time yesterday night with Neo, Mike and 2 other female friends. We went to this fancy Italian restaurant. It was a very chilled out evening. We ate, joked and chit chatted. Mr. Neo is so non-gay looking to all people but me, I can sense it!!
I don’t think it will be easy for me to befriend him though… He seems to separate between teachers and students. For example, he refused to tell us his real age saying that there are stuff we can only talk about after graduation… Bleh! Whatever! I know this is his first job after his 4 year college degree so he should be around 22-23.
So I came back to school around 11:00 PM, and I watched some series with Mike and another guy. It was the Big Band Theory… It’s so hilarious!

Today, although I could sleep until whenever I like, I woke up at 6:00 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I always wake up early on off-days but find it so hard to wake up on a school day. I just cut my hair (my friend at school did it for me). If I don’t gel it, it looks a bit like oldies (long and puffy from top, short on sides, short tail at the back)… so I’ll have it permanently gelled.

Since I am done with mock exams, I've been feeling so free - it's weird. I never felt this free before hehe coz
like I always had something to do. But now the curriculum is over so I can waste time without feeling guilty about it lol

We have a festival of Arts tonight at my school (lasting until Tuesday) so there will be like dances, people singing, Drama plays, paintings/drawings exhibition, etc. I am not performing at all coz I am shy and not that talented. I can paint right, but I haven’t done anything for so long (fuckin school work)


Saturday, March 20, 2010

One or Two?

Hey Guys!

I am so confused...
I wanna style my hair like one of Adam Lamert's earlier hairstyles but I don't know which one to pick.
One or Two???
Basicaly, do I trim at both sides and leave the top and the back long and spike them up or do I gel everything to the back?

Thanks!
 Sam

My gayness is fluorescent and will shine even more!


Good day!

If you don't have much time, just read the last part and advise, please..
I had such a lovely day yesterday coz I did not study at all. I watched a movie in the morning. It was an old romantic one and by its end I was so desperate… I wanna have romance in my life so badly!!! Screw all movies and songs of this world; heterosexuality is dominant and depressing!
In the afternoon, my advisor (Gary) took me to the mall coz I had to buy some necessities. It was such a special day coz I bought my first ever razor ever. (yes, I am 18, turning to 19 son and haven’t fully shaved before). I wanna be fresh and smooth over the coming break… I am traveling to a gay friendly place so who knows what opportunities I might face? But I have no idea how to shave and what to shave lol. I just hope I don’t end up ruining my cute skinny body and cute baby face.
After I bought my shaving materials, I went to some clothes store and let my gay inside guide me. I bought my first ever skinny jeans. They’re so skinny I might explode lol. The lady that stands next to the fitting room told me I needed a smaller size but I refused to get any smaller jeans coz then they’d be much skinnier and I don’t think I can pull them off well. So I just bought the pair I tried and will put a nice belt on when I do wear them. I also bought a tight shirt and some gayish belt. Gee! I am gonna look so gay when I wear them in public… hehe
By the way, Gary is gay and he knows about me. So it was fun to hang out with him. We talked freely in the car about gay stuff… He advised me to hook up with someone when I travel over the break. He called me CHICKEN! He said it’s coz I am young gay who is still innocent and fresh. Hehe
He said I should come back from my trip having evolved from Chicken to Twink! WTH? Hahaha

Anyway, I think I am gonna miss the ‘truth or dare’ game with friends tonight coz Neo (gay pizza teacher) said he wanted to move our hang-out from lunch time to dinner. I told him “I have other commitments in the evening but I will cancel them for you”. Yeah! I want to show him my interest. We bumped into each other yesterday during the day and I was wearing this white T-shirt a friend brought me from NYC. It’s pure white and has ‘New York City’ written on it with fluorescent colors and graffiti style. So he was like: “That’s so not like NYC, it’s more like a hippy from California.” I told him: “California, eh? Well, I would really love to be associated with Californian lifestyle and hippies…” I want him to know that I know he’s gay and that we can get along well well….
I hope that tonight, the other 3 friends who come along for pizza with us leave early so I can hang out with Neo alone… I decided that I want to develop a good friendship with him… He’d be of great help. I also found out from my advisor that Neo loves Adam Lambert so maybe we can discuss Lambert together too hehe.
I am wondering if I should visit him in his flat (which is on campus) soon and ask him to teach me how to shave. I can go like: “Mr. Neo, this is my first time shaving and I don’t know how to. Plus, my father is not around to teach me… can you help?”

What do you guys think? Should I do that?

Have a fantabulous weekend!
Sam


Friday, March 19, 2010

I am so damn Gay!! (Here's a proof you'll like)

Sam: What do you think of Mr. Neo...
Tim: Yes, he is gay. good work! your gaydar is good!
Sam: OH MY WORLD!
Tim: Are you excited??!!
Sam aah.... I am speechless... Gee! Mr. Tim!!
Tim:  why?
Sam: I am shocked coz I knew it!! I've felt that for so long and never knew how to be sure..
Tim: well, now you know how it works! :)


Good day!

Hope you're all well.
I am so so excited!! I wanted to post about this yesterday but it was quite late and I had to go to bed.
So I was chatting with my former gay teacher (Tim) yesterday night. I basically talk with him about anything and everything. So I told him I have a random question and he was like, go ahead. So I asked him if Neo (the teacher I am having pizza with him tomorrow) is gay...
So yeah!!! Mr. Neo is GAY!!!!
And I knew it! I felt it! I was not exaggerating! I got the correct signals and I was so damn right! 
I am so excited and proud of myself (...and of my gaydar). hihihi :)

One more gay guy in the house!!! ;)
Gee! How should I go about this? I wanna hint at him that I am like him! hehe...
But Tim told me that he probably already knows about me (coz of his gaydar, duh!)
What should I do? I wanna befriend him now...
[not just coz he's gay lol.... He's a cool guy as I have told you before...]
Now everything makes sense to me :)

Go my Gaydar, GO GO GO!
Sam


Thursday, March 18, 2010

I can't get enough of "Baby"

Hey Bestest People!!!

I am almost done with mock exams!! YAYY!!! I still have one last paper to write on Saturday but it doesn't require much studying so I am officially setting my brain to 'holiday' mood :)
I have a day off tomorrow and I asked my Advisor to take me to the mall; gotta buy some toiletries lol

I like to believe that my exams went well, overall. They were hard, I must admit, since we were tested on ALL the material we've covered since September 2008!!
I did fairly well... hoping for some As in some subjects and I'd be happy with a C for Chemistry (I HATE CHEMISTRY)
I realized this week that I am kinda giving up on wanting to become a doctor... and it's such a shame coz I've wanted (or maybe convinced myself that I wanted) to become a medical doctor since I was so young. I always loved Biology (and excelled in it) and enjoyed taking care of people (sick or not)... Also, I have often been quite curious about the medical field and how things go over there...
PS: I shadowed a doctor in the ER last summer and loved it!
Now, since I am hating Chemistry (especially organic chem)... I am like, I cannot go and study Medicine coz Chem is at its base. It's such a shame...

I have SO MUCH fun plans for the upcoming break (will give you details later) but am hoping I do get to enjoy myself. In as much as I am spontaneous and joking in real life, I also tend to sometimes control myself, as I can get self-conscious and careful in what I do and how I behave (especially when I am around new people or ones I don't feel confident about myself with them)...
So I am really hoping I can be absolutely fun and chilled out in the coming weeks to enjoy myself and let people enjoy my company.

PS: I've missed someone so badly!!! I am hoping we get to chat tonight...

Hope you're all wrapping up the week on a good note and that all is well and peaceful!

Random:
I just watched the music video of "Telephone" by Lady Gaga and Beyonce... it's so weird and crazy (in a good way, I like to believe)

I am loving Justin Bieber lately... He's such a cutie!!! and I can't get enough of his song: "Baby"
(No! It's not for kids!! lol) bleh! I still enjoy early teenage hood stuff and would love to watch Disney Channel right now!! lol (well, I am only 18)

Email me!!! I am bored now and free so would love to hear from you :)

Lots of Hugs!
Sammy

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Randomness of today

Hey!

I am doing ok… I wasn’t gonna post today coz I am so not ready for tomorrow’s exams but then thought that I can make a quick post.
So here are some random stuff:

  1. I was plucking my eyebrows today and I think I have ruined them. There’s too much space between them and I think one is much farther from the nose side than the other… I don’t know how to fix this. I do not dare to shorten the other side; I might just make it even worse.fml.fml.fml    (Oh, I just asked Mary to help me out…. she kinda fixed it well)
  2. I am going to have pizza and chill with Neo (teacher) in the weekend (with 3 other friends along).  [PS: he is young, indeed (like 23 max) and I dunno… It’s not like we can do anything or that I want to. It’s only that I am curious about him]
  3. I am going for a truth or dare game this Saturday night. (I wish they ask me to make out with someone lol) I hope they don’t ask me something like: “Are you gay?” coz this subject has been brought up quite often lately (not always in my direction) and I also found out that some of my school mates think that I might grow to become gay. If such a question does come… should I say the truth or what?
  4. I was studying all night yesterday (with Mike >< ) and we slept a 2:30 am today and I woke up at 6:00 am. I am feeling so messed up (as if I were beaten all over my body) but the morning exam went well.
  5. Yesterday I talked about guys wanking for the first time with someone in real life (this someone was Mike hihihi).
  6. I have 2 exams tomorrow and then I’d be kinda done (coz the exam left on Saturday does not require much studying)
  7. I cannot wait for the Spring/Easter break to come (I have LOADS of fun plans). I hope the person(s) hosting me (for my trip) is/are still happy to have me around…
  8. I am so not that horny lately… is it coz of exam stress?

I am going back to my books now but won’t kill myself tonight. I aim to sleep by midnight max!

Bestest,
Sam

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Is my teacher gay or simply weird?


Hey!

Hope your week is kicking well and on a good start!

I have a day off today so I am just chilling in my room with my laptop and some books all over me, getting ready for this week’s exams. I just came back from Lunch. Every Tuesday I get a good lunch at my Advisor's place and he's a great cook!! (a great way to skip the crappy meal at my boarding school)
First of all, I wanna tell you that I think my teachers like me… As in, they ‘like’ me… and this makes me feel special >_<
Many of them stop me, as I walk around campus, to say Hi and ask me wassup… (yeah, THEY initiate). It’s not like I am disrespectful or anything. I ALWAYS greet any person I come across (unless it’s a first year student that don’t really like or intend to befriend - NO I am not that mean!!!). So yeah, my teachers like me and I feel like I can really be their friends – at their level – not just have a random teacher-student relationship.  I don’t know why this is the case. It’s probably coz I’ve always felt older than my age and found it hard to communicate with people of my age. I always like to talk about higher level things and not just be superficial with people my age… Bleh! I dunno. 
My favorite one is my college counselor. She’s SO MUCH fun! I love her sarcasm and her intellect. I visit her in the office from time to time just to share a joke or talk about random stuff.  There are also other teachers who can like flirt with me (and I do flirt them back, politely – yeah right!) while others show me some of their friends’ photos on facebook or tell me about their outings and stuff like that. I wish I have time to befriend all my teachers  and keept sucking up to them through friendly emails from time to time or random checking up on them – they’d spoil me big time! I know that teachers also like to hear the gossip around, so to please one, I can simply pretend that I need to talk to them about some issue I am facing and then they’d be like: “Oh!!! Sam trusts me… and comes to me for advice..” haha… I know how to make them feel good and precious! But I haven’t been sucking up m much lately coz of my busy academic life, and coz I think it’s fake and unnecessary, added to the fact that I have my blog now to shout out my feelings and thoughts.

Now the more interesting one is this new teacher at my school (it’s his first year here); let’s call him…. Neo.  OK, so Neo is a cool guy, he doesn’t teach me (only teaches first years) but I’ve like had several discussions with him in the first trimester – nothing too deep in the discussion, just like random stuff. There’s something weird about him though… He’s got this very chilled out look that I cannot explain and he often checks me out when I am around (or so I think) and often gives me those funny looking smiles. When I was going home for the last holiday I met him at the airport by coincidence (seems like his flight was around the same time as mine) and we had dinner together as we were waiting to board on our planes. Nothing special that we discussed or so. After I came back from the holiday, I’ve been busy and ‘invisible’ (as he describes me) so I barely talk to him (nothing except hi/how are you). But I still think there’s something weird about him… my gaydar tells me he’s not that hetero (although he’s not like flamboyant or metro or anything like that.) During the holiday, he did not go back home to celebrate Xmas with the family. He told me he stayed at some friend’s place, somewhere in the Far East (Asia). Could that be his boyfriend???
Anyway, Neo emailed me (and some other chick) yesterday saying in the title “people I don’t see”… and he asked us if we’d like to join him on Saturday over some pizza to catch up and chill a little together. I feel like he wanted it to be a one-on-one with me but felt it would sound weird to ask so he emailed this other chick too lol. (Excuse my cockiness!!) He also said that we can bring a cool friend along, if we like.
But like, what is this random email and why does he think we’re that friends? It’s not like I have ever been super close to him or anything?
Does he simply like me as a student or what? Bleh! I don’t know. I wish if there’s some other gay guy around at my school so I can discuss Neo with him.
I wish I can just go and ask him: “Are you gay?” LOL. I am so so so curious… I wanna check how good my gaydar is… hehe

Maybe I am just overthinking about this… but I mean, why would a teacher care about being friends with a random student like me? Are some things better left unquestioned?

Bestest,
Sam
 

Monday, March 15, 2010

Bleh... random silly thought


Good day!

I was sitting in my room this morning, trying to study... But I started overthinking as always and here’s what I’ve been asking myself…

If let's say. I am fan of no premarital sex (not because of a personal choice but rather a societal/religious influence) and hence I am meant to believe that the act of making love should be reserved to the one and only love of your life (if this really does exist)… how can I lead a happy homosexual life and still maintain my religious beliefs?
Wait, not all homosexuals get to marry, nor are they always loyal to one person…
Oh, and Christianity does not even recognize homosexual marriage. Well, that’s the church's ideology (i.e. the authority, the men who are taking charge, and this does not necessarily reflect God’s will…)

Bleh! This is so complicated… It's so hard, having to keep up with both practices of homosexuality and religion (a modified version, in which I take what makes sense to me and leave out the illogical parts) The more I think the more I get confused…
I know I've been rambling quite a lot about religion vs. homosexuality lately so don't mind me... I know I am getting silly sometimes so I shall leave my religion aside for a little and sort my things out first... 
God of Love is the one I believe in, and I guess I have the right to believe in what I LIKE to believe in and what makes sense to me... :)

Anyway, I just wrote my exam for today - it went well :) 
I have a day off tomorrow to study for my tough upcoming exams in Advanced Chemistry and Advanced Biology (2 exams each). I’ll be done on Saturday! Yay!

PS:
  • Tomorrow is a big day for my Bestest Joshua! Best of luck Babe!! I hope everything goes as well as you like it to go and even better... (guys, please give him encouragement wishes!!)
  • Cool Charlie is now sick-yet-still-cool Charlie. Hope you get well soon, buddy! Recovery kiss - Mwah!
  • My friend B has also been having exams and is gonna Ace them!! Good Luck, my friend!

I hope you all have a very smooth and happy week :)
Sam

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I LOVE my DAD

(2nd post for today)

Hello and thanks a lot for being around and keeping my company!

I just wanna make a quick post to shout out loud that I love my Dad and I miss him so much!

If you think this is random, well here's the story....
I went to church this evening and the preaching was about the "The prodigal son"
At the end of the service, they played this worship song talking about how God, the Father, runs to His son and how we, humans, can always be forgiven...

For some reason, all the lyrics translated into my life...
I left home at a young age to come to my current boarding school  (overseas) and in a way or another I was not fully satisfied with the quality of education and life I had back home so I wanted to work hard for my own betterment and to meet my ambitions. I could have stayed back home and had quite a decent life anyway but my goals are so high and my dreams are so big...
By the way, I have the happiest and most loving and caring family ever and my Dad is symbol of courage, strength, sacrifice and love. (I actually wrote my personal essay for college about him and how he is my role model...)

So while I was listening to that song at church my eyes got a little wet and I realized that I love my father so much and that I am missing big time by not being close to him and my entire family... I so wish that next time I go home (for a holiday) I get to spend quality time with him to talk about life and get inspiration...


So, as soon as I left church I went straight to the phone  booth and called my dad :)
I talked with him for 5 minutes (not much - coz Int'l calls are expensive :P).
He was surprised, I could tell, but definitely happy, excited and overwhelmed to hear my voice.

God, please bless my father and my family and the families of all of my caring friends (fellow bloggers included) :)


Sam

should I get castrated? ...and is Homosexuality genetic?


Happy Sunday!

My day is so boring… I woke up, went for breakfast and then came back to my room to study but in vain. I waste time so much, without even wasting it on anything in particular. It’s weird… I just sit on my desk and get lost, day dream, travel around in my mind, and overthink tings… without really focusing on something in particular. And then I find myself having lost hours of productive work I was meant to get. Yesterday was also boring – locked on a Saturday night in my dull boarding school with no friends to have fun with… it’s not like there’s no one around, I just don’t feel like chilling with them. I am not doing much of a conscious effort to befriend people and hang out… I did not even go watch the Saturday night movie being played in the auditorium. I simply sat on my bed, stared and let time pass me by…

Anyway, let’s get back to my sexual identity research…

Is homosexuality genetic? What does science have to say?

First of all: 
  • Genes + Brain Wiring + Prenatal Hormonal Environment = Temperament
  • Parents + Peers + Experiences = Environment
  • Temperament + Environment = Homosexual Orientation
 
There are basically three kinds of inquires to demonstrate the genetic basis for homosexuality: family studies, twin studies, and adoption studies
(Lewontin et al., p. 213; also see Pattatucci, 1998, p.21).

Research:
Studies of twins (both identical and fraternal), and adoption studies are most often used to investigate heritability. A typical twin study works this way. Identical (monozygotic) and fraternal (dizygotic) twins, where at least one of the twins is homosexual, is recruited through gay and lesbian publications, websites, or gay support groups (Bailey & Dawood, 1998). The volunteer twins are asked to identify their sexual preference, sexual fantasies, etc. The results usually show that if an identical twin is gay, his brother is very likely to be gay, maybe a 40-50% chance. If a fraternal twin is gay, then his brother has about a 1 in 4 chance of being gay. In a family with a gay biological child, an adopted brother may only have a 3-5 % chance of being gay -- which is about the incidence of male homosexuality in the general population. The inference is then made that homosexuality must be genetic because the closer the blood tie (thus the more genes in common) between brothers, the more likely that a gay boy will have a gay brother.

Other Research examples: 

  • Birth Order: Blanchard and Klassen (1997) reported that each older brother increases the odds of a man being gay by 33%
  •  Phermone studies:  Recent research conducted in Sweden has suggested that gay and straight men respond differently to two odors that are believed to be involved in sexual arousal.
  • Physiological:  The VIP SCN nucleus of the hypothalmus is larger in men than in women, and larger in gay men than in heterosexual men. 


I just found "The Science of Gaydar" article by NY magazine and am reading it...
(interesting stuff studying whether homosexuality is biological but it has had loads of critics... what do you think?)

Moreover, I am Christian (Catholic), right? So I am not meant to be gay... 
well I understand that the Catholic doctrine goes something about being gay isn’t a sin but acting on your gayness is...
But still what is this non-sense? How am I am meant to live a decent life. Life is incomplete without a sexual side of it, no matter how small or large of a portion it takes...
Should I lead a celibacy life, suppress my feelings and kill my fantasies? or should I just get castrated?? lol


what do you guys think of this??
(I personally have a longer pointer finger than ring finger)


Saturday, March 13, 2010

there's always another, better way to look at things

Good day to you all!

Thank y'all for being around and always there for me. I appreciate all your nice words, advices, jokes,  personal stories and insights. Gee! How on earth was I managing my life before I started blogging and met you??

I stayed up yesterday until 2:00 am studying and woke up at 6:00 am feeling messed up.
But my one and only kept my company meanwhile and made me so so happy by telling me some of the sweetest things I ever wish to hear.
I am crazy... lol  (crazy about him)

I wrote the 3 exams today... the 2 Biology exams were OK - well it's like my best subject.
Maths was kaak (sh!t)!!  (as Joshua would have said...)
All students lost their virginity in the test room today -- because the Maths exam screwed us all, so badly! lol
so I am not gonna worry about my bad performance.
 Apparently, the teacher is following this strategy whereby he brings all the tricky questions in one paper to make us perform poorly so we get stressed and study even harder for the official exam...

Anyway, I talked with my college counselor today and told her about the college that wait listed me.
She asked me not to worry coz schools like this one would think about me in this way:
"Sam is a very strong applicant, so he's definitely gonna get offers from other, more prestigious universities, and then if we do offer him a place at our school he will reject it and take some other offer."
Hence they did not offer me admissions, but rather put me on the waiting list.
This does make sense, right?

So according to my college counselor I should NOT worry... she says she's sure I am gonna get great offers and that she's not worried about me at all.
Come April, Come!!

I am not gonna study much today (Saturday) coz I need a break. I will try to get back to most emails in my inbox and chill online...

10 exams down 5 yet to go!! and then Easter Break :)

Have a great weekend!
Sam

Friday, March 12, 2010

life is worth nothing! :'(

"La vie ne vaut a rien et Rien ne vaut la vie..."

"Life is worth nothing & Nothing is worth life..."

Hey guys!

I received today another email from a US university that already admitted me in December (it's like a safety school  for me). They told me that they did not select me to receive their full scholarship...
==> I am not gonna enroll there.
It's not like I wanted to go there so badly but I really wished they'd given me the scholarship, then I'd be relieved to know that if worst comes to worst, I have to place to go.

Two University replies so far and it's not early April yet
+
Two of the replies are BAD news!

can't get any better??

Mom just emailed me saying that the father of one of my very good friends back home just passed away.
He's like barely 45 years old and super cool! He had some heart failure, they said, went into coma and died yesterday...

It makes me wonder...
Life is really worth nothing...

We work hard and hard and hard....
We worry, we stress, we cry, we struggle, we suffer...
and then we work harder...

WHY????
I can die in any second... A beloved one can leave me in any second...

Lemme go back to my school books now, if I can still manage to focus...
I have to kick asses of three exams tomorrow...

I am fine, a bit sad... a bit fed up with this life on earth... but I am fine!

Thanks for reading
Sam

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Me questioning me...

Hey!

I am questioning myself a lot… not quite about my confusion though.

I am hearing back from all my US schools by April – I don’t only want admission, but also a full scholarship/financial aid package (my parents cannot pay a single cent)
With all the consequences of the last economic crisis, schools are not as generous as before and it’s costs spent on International students that they always reduce first.
I received yesterday a letter from one of the schools I applied to. It is a decently competitive one, but not the most selective one on my list (not my dream college). They said they’d put me on the waiting list... fuck them!
I am questioning; if this school decided to put ME on the waiting list; what will the others do? The more competitive universities might just send me rejection letters all the way. fml
And then, Good Bye to my dream of an American education and lifestyle…
I did get accepted by two US schools already though (one is like a safety and one is VERY competitive) which is good but none of them has given me financial aid yet…. April is the Big month too!!
I am so nervous.

My mock exams are going well, I guess. I am doing my best without necessarily exhausting myself to the maximum.

I sat and chatted with Mary for like 2 hours yesterday. We talked about our families… (she’s a single child and is planning on meeting her biological father soon.)
I told her that I am bisexual two days ago in a very random fashion, but it was in a funny, joking way. She asked me if I am joking, serious, or just confused…. So I said “confused” at first, and then told her “No, No! I am not” (also in a joking way). She asked me to elaborate but then we had to go to our opposite dorms so I told her I’ll tell her more about this soon… I hope I don’t chicken out the next time such a conversation gets triggered.
But Bleh! Why do I need to come out to her? Nothing will change anyway, so I am just gonna give up on this and focus on my studies instead.

Deviant News:

1- I think I am falling in love (yeah! with a real person…) I know I am not meant to or rather it’s unhealthy for me, but I cannot help it… Every time I speak to that person I start smiling like a silly and yeah. hihihi

2- I have relaxed my hair (with chemical products). Most of my friends think it’s cool; few say it’s not. I’ve been called all names; Joe Jonas, French, Spark (from star wars lol), semi Asian semi American… why can’t I just look like myself?? Mom asked for pics so I sent her some and she told me she hates my new hair and that it’s not nice. She thinks I look like my sister’s ex bf (whom she and I hate lol)

3- I miss my gay former teacher so much! There’s a lot of things I would like to talk to him about… He told me he’s coming back soon so I’ll probably get to meet him in secret again lol

I am going back to my studies now. Got 2 exams tomorrow and three on Saturday.

Hope you’re all well :)
Sam

Monday, March 8, 2010

International Women's Day - 8 March


Hello!
A quick post (not related to 'sexual identity')

Today, March 8th is the 99th annual International Women's Day and will hopefully not be quite as momentous as the Women's March on this day in Petrograd in 1917, which was the starting point of the Russian Revolution.

The day is designed to celebrate the political, economic and social achievements of women all over the world.

For me, I would like to honor my mother today and every day for being such a role model and for being my close friend before being my mother.
I love you, Mom and may God bless you and keep you well for me and your loving family.
I would like to extend my wishes to all of the precious women in your lives, be it your grandmother, mother, sister, friend, best friend, etc…

About me:
I am doing OK, managing my studies well, I hope. Tomorrow, I am writing my first exams; so wish me luck!
I am so excited for the Easter break trip and still cannot wait to get over and done with high school (less than 100 days to go).

Hope you’re all well!

XoXo
Sam


Here's a great poem about women:

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou
copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.