Monday, February 8, 2010

...a stranger at home


I am away from home because I am at a boarding school abroad.
I used to be so close to my parents  and siblings (for the most part lol). I did not have much friends back home either so I was always at home  - I’d finish my school work then go online or watch TV… I was always around my family - I was always available to help them out in anything or tease them and fight when bored lol
My younger sister now got a boyfriend who once said on facebook (as an answer for those social exposure questions) that the most important things for him in life are women, sex and money. Weird, I know...

My older sister goes to college and has a part time job. She used to have such an asshole boyfriend who I hate and who made her get a belly button piercing (which is thought to be only for bad girls, back home) and used to pose with her in a very vulgar fashion.  They've broken up - Thanks Goodness! but he doesn't seem to be leaving her at peace. Now, she’s dating another guy that I absolutely love coz he’s madly in love with her and respect her so so much… My sis does not get along so well with my parents and they do not really understand her. They’re kinda conservative and do not understand that the things that young people like my sis do are natural and normal (such as going out with friends until late times very often)
My Sister has a really white heart and cares so much about the family ... She does not trust me much though - I was pain in the neck when I was younger (coz I'd be jealous and bored)

My younger brother is kinda left behind – he’s very much the type of kids who do not focus much in life, hate school (yet he does perform well academically), like to play all the time, and needs a lot of attention…

I NEED TO BE HOME! I need to be around my parents and my siblings.
My parents need me coz I used to help them out with house chores and garden stuff at times and listen to them when they'd need to talk to someone. My siblings do not care much about my parents. They do love them of course (we’re such a lovely-looking family) but they wouldn’t for example say what I’d say: “If need be, I’d kill myself for Mom or Dad!”
My siblings need me to be like a mediator amongst themselves and between them and my parents… I need to protect them as possible (from some of their friends lol), advise them, listen to them, hug them, let them know how much they mean to me….

I am losing out a lot! My family is losing me… I am losing them
I used to worry so much about them before I moved outside the country, two years ago, and I was extremely homesick at first…
But now, I kinda got used to being away and feel as if I lessened caring for them. I don’t like this feeling… I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I love them… but things are not the way they used to be before, they will never ever be…

It’s not like anything will change. I am graduating from my current school soon then am gonna move to college, also away from home and will likely spend not less than 10 years away for my degree, master and doctorate…
and distance (figuratively) will keep growing between us…
I’ll come back home like a stranger.. I am so young to feel like a stranger at home…
It’s too early for me to have detached this much from my family…

( I just thought about all this and wanted to talk about my feelings with someone...)
Thanks for reading!
Sam

13 comments:

Scottie said...

Sam this is a natural thing as you grow older. As you mature, your view and feelings for your parents changes, and in some ways deepens. You lose the way you looked at them as a child, and gain the view of them as an adult.

Why it may seem to you that you are growing apart, I think that is more home sickness, (and friendship problems) than how it really is.

When you return home it will not be the same, but may be even more rewarding for you.

Best to you on your career and may you archive all your goals.

Scottie

Old Midhurstian said...

It's only natural to feel like this, although ironically at your age I'd have sold my soul to be at a boarding school rather than home, but I tend to agree with Scottie. Your view of your parents will inevitably be different but that doesn't necessarily mean it'll be any less meaningful. The really important thing is not to allow any feelings of resentment for "sending you away" to creep in.

Given that you don't feel you don't have a social life worth speaking of or any friends you're bound to be bit homesick.

Chin up, it's not forever :)

Love
Mac

wayner said...

Sam, wtf, master's degree and doctorate! Your family must be loaded to afford all that. Out of the country; are you at Oxford or Eton?! Aren't there great universities closer to home? Sounds like you are going to be a professional student.lol Most young guys pray for the day they can get away from their parents because there is no sex life with parents around! The cure for your lonliness is sex; that is the problem and this is your opportunity because you are away from home. Lets get rid of the confusion! Maplethorpe said somewhat cynically 'sex is the only thing worth living for!' Look for opportunities; some of those 'conservative' guys might be acting that way on purpose to deflect suspicion they are homosexual, so get the gaydar out! Hot male sex is the cure; with sexual satisfaction you are better able to concentrate on your studies. Big plus! - Wayne

Eye said...

You can't get dstanced from family, it is, after all, family... I mean maybe a friend you'll stop seeing, but family bonds cant be broken, dont worry too much about that, and after all, you must study if thats what you want to be the person you want to be... That way you'll be who you want to be and return home as a new person, yet being yourself.

I guess what im trying to say is, no matter how much you learn, change, grow, your family is always your family, but you wont be the same (for good)

alex said...

Growing up, we left many things behind us, not that your family no longer matter to you, it's just that at some point you take decisions that will define you as an individual, outside the family, and follow your own life. Remember that you are feeling now when you are with them and so make each moment spent together a memorable occasion.
PD: Good sex is a wonderful panacea, I also recommend it for many modern ailments.

Sam said...

Thank you guys!
I know it's kinda weird how much I am attached to my family... but it's the way I have always been.
They love me too much and never really did anything to annoy me much. It's true that's better for me to be away from them while I am dealing with my confusion though.

So I do miss them - I know I am not homesick though - I am over that.

I am just worried coz I will no longer be with them, as I used to be when I was younger... It's probably some part of me not ready to accept the fact that I am no longer the kid Sammy but rather the young adult Sam...


PS: There are good universities back home but I wanna go for better opportunities and higher standards...

Again, I cannot dream of having any fun stuff (sex or so) at my current school - I told you guys: my school mates are narrow minded, and I don't really fancy any of them. I guess I can't do anything but save myself till university fun!

Thanks again for your comments, suggestions and advice!!

Bestest,
Sam

wayner said...

And I always thought boarding schools were hotbeds of sneaky teen sex! Sam, are they all ugly guys there? I'll take a face with character, slim muscular body, nice 6 inch wanger, and sensitive personality any day. Something is holding you back Sam; don't let society take away the hottest sex of your life and your chance to really get into someone else's head. (and get some head!) Your youth will go by more quickly than you think; don't waste it. I think the other guys are going too easy on you. Life always has some nice surprises. - Wayne

Sam said...

I think all boarding schools but mine can classify into your perspective.
Trust me, when I say that my boarding school is unique (in a negative way lol) and that I am so annoyed at it. That's why I keep talking about how much I cannot wait till graduation! :D

I am already upset coz I am growing too fast lol..
I am gonna leave teenage-hood soon - aint happy about that!

Cheers!
Sam

Scottie said...

Sam my belief is different than Wayner. I say don't rush it. You will know when it is right. You will be excited and it will feel comfortable for you to do. That is when you will really enjoy that part of your self, and have no regrets.

As for growing up and changing things at home, yes, totally understandable. You left a little boy, and you will return in many ways a man. Their view of you will have shifted. You will be asked your opinion on things they never did before, you will be included in conversations that you weren't before. However, you will never stop being you mom's little boy. That never changes even into old age. Enjoy these changes as they happen and know that how you view them, makes them good for you or troublesome. How you accept and deal with them, will color how you see them. Go for the most enjoyment and excitement you wish for in life, but do so at your speed. It is your life, and only you can live it. Give your self down time when you feel like it.

Be well and happy.
Scottie

Sam said...

Thank you Scottie!
I shall take it slow and let things flow, as you said! (excuse the rime lol)
Hope everything's well on your side!

alex said...

Good sex = is one where when you wake up and look the person sleeping next to you, DO NOT feel like getting dressed and leave before he wakes up, but hugs and snuggles against him.

B. said...

I'm so sad to hear/read this... Well, I sometimes wish to move out from my parents, cause simply sometimes is annoying to be a teenager and you have parents around you, and now I'm all grownup and I want to have some private life, but they are still around me and treat me like a kid and I hate it. And I think that I will probably feel like you when I move out, but I just want to taste my freedom for at least two months...

I don't know what to say to you... It's normal thing to become independent, and becoming a stranger with you parents will happen one day, but you can try to keep contact and try not to become too strange to them... I don't know...

*BIG HUG*

Sam said...

it's probably coz I do not really have much of a freedom, away from home - my school is like worse than parents in how protective it is. Plus, I am like a prisoner in m y current school, under cameras and in the midst of stupid narrow-mindedness...

I am sure you'll feel the same way I do, when you detach from your parents...

BIG HUG back :)