Thursday, February 18, 2010

She has cancer but cancer does not have her...

Hey again!
(second post for today)

I spent the whole day online, reading other people’s blogs and catching up on blogland lol
It was fun yet lonely – I am feeling so lonely these days and still cannot find anything much to smile about or be happy
I am loving this blogland but it sucks coz it requires a lot of time – which I happily spend – but my school barely gives me any free time to keep up with the blogging. I do not want to run selfish by only posting about me and not catching up on fellow bloggers. I don’t know if you understand what I mean…

I talked to Mom this morning and she gave me some bad news – my aunt (she’s super sweet and lovely) has gotten cancer back and has been redoing chemotherapy for some time now. She did radiotherapy last week and now lost ALL her hair again (she lost it like 8 years ago, then got cured). The doctor says she’d survive for a few months. But she’s super religious and miracles have been happening to her… I really pray that God gives her health and takes away all her pain (physical and emotional).
By the way, my community service project is an organization for cancer awareness. If I do go into Medicine, I will either become a plastic surgeon or a caner doctor and researcher.

My grandparents are also not doing that well either. (My aunt is single and lives with them)
They have all sorts of disease – diabetes, hypertension, etc… and now they have emotional problems coz of my aunt and the messed up life they’ve got…
I really don’t want at any time to hear over the phone or online (from my family or so) that some relative of mine from my extended family is lost or so. I can NEVER handle this! I am so scared of death! And now I am away from home, so I am not really up to date with all that’s happening… I can NEVER be ready to handle such news..
I’d probably commit suicide (I’ve thought about it before, very often!)

I am not scared of me dying – I’d welcome it with peace. I am scared of losing someone I really care about so much! (someone from my family for example, God forbid!)
I really prefer dying myself instead of hearing such news. I know it’s selfish to feel that way because then it means that I do not want myself to suffer from the loss of someone important to me but am OK with others (the ones close to me) suffering from losing me.
I HATE DEATH! Who doesn’t anyway…

I also pray that my father gets better – he has some sort of flu… my Mom said.
Yeah, Mommy keeps on telling me all sorts of news over msn, good or bad – doesn’t  really  matter

Pray with me for my aunt, please!

Love you!
Sam





I hate death!

11 comments:

Seraphim said...

wow, reading that made me tear up a bit, i feel for you dude, while i havent had anyone in my family die or come close to it (thank god), i have gone through a lot of abuse and can relate the the suicidal thoughts, loneliness, and depression, and if i remember correctly it was at its most intense when i was your age, just hang in there, you will get through this

also i will be praying for you and ALL of your family :)

Old Midhurstian said...

Sam
I feel for you, this is a very painful experience and you're going to have to dig deep to come through it. Like Seraphim I've been there, abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts the whole 9 yards but some how we just have to go on. Hang on tight and don't forget that you do have friends.

I don't pray, that went when I was 10, but you and your family are in my thoughts.

Take care of yourself
Love
Mac

scottiestoybox said...

Sam I will be sending my warmest thoughts to your family.

Here is something to think about on the subject of death. We really never lose anyone as long as we remember who they were and can still feel the emotions they brought to us when they were alive. To think only on their death and to feel only that sadness short changes the person you love. It denies them the good feelings and memories of a life time. Robs you of the same thing.

Best wishes and tight hugs,
Scottie

wayner said...

Fuck, isn't there ONE guy in that school you can get close to; I'd be so frustrated I would drag some guy into my room and rip his clothes off! lol I think you should go to the gym or weight room for an hour or so in the evening; too much screen time is not healthy. Hope your aunt gets better soon.
- Sam, to have a healthy life you want to develope a daily exercise routine. Push-ups, sit-ups, side bends, arm curls with dumbells, every third day (4 sets each) and vigorous aerobic exercise for at least 1hr a day in between. It will be difficult and you will be sore for the first 2 weeks, but then you will be amazed at how easy it gets as your body responds. So easy you will have to add weight to increase the effort. Gives you a high that kills depression. Eat quality food and control over-eating, and make this a life-long committment. Your body will become fat, lazy and run-down if you don't physically use it. At your age you should be able to run like the wind for a quarter mile. Do this and you will be pleased when you look in the mirror, and stave off degeneration after middle-age. Look after your body and you are looking after your mind! - Wayne

Eye said...

Dont EVER think of suicide!!! EVER!!

when people die, well, it's supposed to happen, sooner or later, but suicide is NEVER the answer for anything!!!

Seth said...

My best wishes for all your family members.

But please, don't think that way. You are young, but no matter your age, losing someone is never an easy thing. However, losing yourself is even worse.

One thing that perhaps will help, will be to know that (whoever, whenever) has lived their life and had the privilege of sharing it with you.

If, when, someday you do get bad news, I would hope you would turn to someone else for support - a friend, another relative, a counselor, a crisis line, or even your fellow bloggers.

*hugs*

Sam said...

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and all... It has helped me... I am feeling better today.
No wonder why I love blogging and love you guys this much!
Hope things are better on your sides :)


@ Wayner:
Man! You and your exercise tips! lol I have always wanted to develop this habit but keep running away - I always find excuses such as I am busy with school work, am sleepy or am not feeling well... I should work on that! I promise! Maybe, during the summer holiday I'll set up some exericise schedule... I want to be fit! not just skinny :(
(for now, I am going for ultimate Frisbee twice a week for 1.5 hrs.)
My school food is crap and not the healthiest ever... So I don't have control over that :S

Thanks GUYS!!!

B. said...

:( I don't know what to tell you... Just don't have that morbid thought about suicide. A lot of teenagers were thinking about it (me included :P) and a lot will think about it, but that's not a solution...

I understand you completely when you say that you don't want a family member to die, and I'm also full of this thoughts cause my parents are bit older, so I don't want to think what I will experience when I will be 30 or something... It is hard (especially when you are so close with you family, I understand it, cause my family is HUGE and when i say HUGE I mean huge, and I'm also very very close to everyone), but you must accept the fact that people will die someday, it's just how the life works :( it is so fucked up, but we can't do anything about it... Maybe there is a life after death, and maybe there isn't... We are, all in allm scared of the unknown, cause we don't know what is going to happen when we lost our feelings, our senses... OMG... now I'm scared, shit... never mind... Just don't be so suicidal... Everything will be fine, the time cures all wounds...

And everybody is scared of death, but you must accept it that it's inevitable... Oh, shit, I just spelled that (probably hard) word without spell checking (yay for me) :)...

I'm reading one book right now and I will quote two sentences which I hope that will make you feel better, or not, but still I will write them... I'm translating as best as I can from my mother tongue :)

QUOTE 1:
"The only thing to do is to grow up."
"But I don't want to."
"But there is no other choice," I said, "everyone must grow up, even if they don't want to. And they get old, together with their problems, and then they die, even if they don't want to. That is how it always was and it always will be."

QUOTE 2:
"It's okay. There is a tomorrow. You don't need to worry. And when tomorrow passes, there is the day after tomorrow."
*end of quotation* (I always wanted to say/write this :D)

I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt. It's really hard to get cancer back. It's so difficult disease and yet so unpredictable... I hope that she will beat it this time forever. :(

B. said...

And I just remembered one case of suicide which happened two weeks ago... But I will talk about that in email, cause I don't want to write it here publicly...

All the best and take care!

Sam said...

Thank you B!
I love those quotes; it seems like a very interesting book you're reading!

I am sorry for scaring you :(
My parents are also in their fifties and I get worried a lot when I think about life and death!!!
Life is not so easy, eh!

I'm waiting for your email :) Just send it when you've got spare time


btw, Mom told me that my aunt's morale has been lifted up a bit because the doctor asked her not to see him in a month!
She lost her hair but got a wig that she likes... :(

Wish y'all Health and Peace!
Sam

B. said...

I've sent you email this morning... Did you get it? Maybe again some bug, fuck... What is happening with Gmail...