Sunday, February 28, 2010

it seems like I don't care... feels weird

Happy Sunday!!

I am trying to make this a short post. I am working on my brevity lol
I was so lazy this weekend!! I did not do any school work AT ALL!

I watched Priscilla yesterday, on and off. It was cool. I just realized it's not my first ever non-hetero movie. I watched in Chinese class last year some movie about a Chinese guy dating an American boy, and whose family arranges him a wife to marry.. that was funny (cannot remember its name)
Priscilla was OK, not that amazing though...

About my title. I don't know but lately I have been behaving so much like myself, without feeling the need to wear masks or control my behaviors or what I say. It's weird. VERY weird!
As in, I feel like I don't care about what people think of me - gay or not.
However, I just found out (from Drama Queen) that people at my school talk about me in my back, saying stuff like: "Sam would grow to become gay!" 
Gosh, I did not know that! I don't know if I should feel offended, hurt or neutral... Most of those who say stuff like that are people I've been super close to...

Bleh! Besides, as I said, I am not watching out what I say or do anymore. I am just being spontaneous. And by the way, I am getting into too many discussions about homosexuality and so.
I don't know for how long this is gonna stay this way. I hope I don't regret it though...
I feel weird.

I am overall very lazy; and nothing is entertaining. I am not focusing much on school work nor on social life. Maybe that's why I am no longer taking the effort to care about what people think of me.

I really have to get some energy to start preparing for my mocks. I have predicted "A"s for official exams which I have to meet.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend and Have a lovely new week! :)


scottiestoybox said...

Hello Sam. What you are going through is part of growing up, independence, the idea that you are OK as you are and that the opinions of your peers are not as important as you once held them to be. People will always talk about someone behind their back, especially if that person is not part of their social group. It doesn't matter if you have given them signs of being gay or not. The fact you are not going out of your way to be like them and in their group makes it fair to say stuff about you. ( to their minds)

It sounds as if you are slowly growing into who you are, and you are comfortable with yourself. As I have said, you don't need to make an big pronouncement to just be true to your self. The way you are doing it is the best. That way you can ease into the place you wish to be. As long as you don't start being militant in everyones faces, they can't make a real issue of it and make your last few months there unpleasant. After you graduate and leave there you can then simply live your life as your self, you will already have practice by what you are doing now.

I would like to suggest you look at two blogs in my links. Amar's world, about a 14 teen yr old boy who came out to his folks and lives openly, and Anton's Haus, who is a 17 year old boy who was outed,and how he dealt with his new life. You can leave comments for Amar and he will answer them, and Anton gives his email address on his site, and you could email him and ask him what happened when he came out.

I mentioned today on my blog how lucky I am to know smart, caring , really good young people who will be leaders of our world some day. You were one of the youth I mentioned.

Be well, warm thoughts.

Sam said...

Thank you so much!!!
You're right about all that you said... I will not be militant. I am really nice in person and even with those I don't really like or fancy - I pretend to be nice to them too lol

I cannot wait till graduation
Thanks for having me in your mind

alex said...

Congratulations. Be who you are really, is the way to achieve happiness in life, when your happiness don't depends on what others think, but to follow your principles and achieve your goals. PD: In previous comments I told you to rest, I now say "let laziness and study" :D Seriously I am glad that you've relaxed a bit, but do not neglect your work or it will pile up.

wayner said...

Might be a little case of the blues, Sam, we all get that now and then. I think exposing the homosexual side of you is reaching out. Its letting other potential guys know that you are there. But it does not give anyone the right to disrespect you. And what the hell, you're out of there in a few months anyway so fuck it. And 'fml'? C'mon, Sam, you're a wonderful guy and someone is missing out on a very interesting person (and hot too!) So focus on that schoolwork because the next stage of your education could bring surprises. Keep looking around. I'll check your blog every day. Hugs - Wayne

Manu said...

hey nice to hear you're not giving a damn about it :)

Hope everything works for you :)

P.S. E-mail memore often :)

B. said...

You must watch all other movies, Priscilla is I think transgender movie, which I honestly don't like very much. I can even recommand you some, and we can arrange some safe way for you to get them. I'm just downloading a few :) some french movie Douches Froides and Holding Trevor and that kind of movies.

Did you ever watched Brokeback Mountain, it's like classic in gay world :P

And that about "don't care" part... It's amazing... Just keep feeling like that, cause you don't live in such homophobic nation like I do, so people are (generally speaking) more open-minded then my country, if you get what I mean.

And don't pay attention on that gossips, just be yourself, all they can do is gossip and waste their time, for what...? I mean, you'll not get offended, right? And they can be only jelaous of your happiness (even if it is with same sex). Be pride of who you are, if you realised and if you are not confused anymore. Wow... I even amazed myself with this comment. I think that my subconscious is tring to say something to me.