Saturday, February 6, 2010

F*** my social life!

I am so fuckin tired of making friends in real life…

I am drained… I can’t take it anymore. I have NO social life, whatsoever.
It’s Saturday night – OK I know there is nothing much to do at my boarding school but still people hang out together, watch a movie, buy junk food, stroll… whatever
What about me?? I am sitting in my room – ALONE --- on a Saturday night, the only night in my fuckin school week where I do not have to stress about homework due the other day.

OK, lemme face it. I have NO real friends at all. I thought I had, I wished I had, I loved to have some…. But I DON’T!
Like seriously, I am not that unfriendly, boring or stupid. I am fun; I can be fun…
But why do I always have to be the one going to people, inviting them to hang out together and asking them what’s on their mind, and trying to sort out their problems when they seem like they’re not doing that well.

Why do I have to initiate conversations and purposely get in the way of my peers to have someone to chill with.
What’s wrong with me? Why don’t anyone ever come to me and ask me to hang out with them?

If you’re wondering what triggered this…
Well tonight, I saw a good friend (Karen) during dinner time and asked her if we can chill together at 7, talk, watch a movie, stroll…
She said yes and asked me to skype her when I want us to meet up.
I went to my room and she was NOT skype! I wait for her from 5:00 pm till 8:00 PM and she never showed up…. She said she’s free and will be in her room though!
Apparently she went to that stupid B’day party some guys organized and forgot all about me.
When she got back (10 minutes ago) she apologized and asked me if I still wanna hang out. I told her am upset, bored and should cool down. I am not gonna see her…
(I feel bad though... she simply forgot... maybe I should go and tell her that I am fine... OK, I'll ask her to see me briefly; I'll hug her and tell her that I am fine and she should not worry)

I will come back in 10 minutes and stay in my fuckin room until tomorrow, doing what am best at… Being a loner, trying to study but in vain and checking out people’s blogs… oh, and feeling miserable!

I want real FRIENDS!!!! In real life…….
I do not want to stay alone… but I cannot keep trying to make friends…

I am not that bad of a person for people not to wanna be my friend, I know I am not that bad…

a droplet on my cheek and some acid in my heart,


Old Midhurstian said...

Hey Sam
Tough to know what to say, I certainly don't have any earth shattering wisdom to offer I was where you are at about you're age and didn't manage it too well myself. I guess that all I can say is don't give in to the temptation to say "bollocks" to them all and shut yourself away, that's incredibly self-destructive (again I know).

When you've calmed down a bit perhaps it might be worth giving this girl another chance, it's very easy to be thoughtless and forget things particularly when you're young and there's so much going on in your life so giveng her the benefit of the doubt might be a good idea.

Like I said no great wisdom
All the best

Tim in Italy said...

Ok, stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know it's difficult, but locking yourself in your room won't make it any better and can give the impression that you think you're too good for them. You need to get out there and make yourself available... if you don't get out on the field, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room... or something like that.

I went to a boarding school and I know how difficult it can be. But you've got to get up and out of your room. One thing that helped me become the gregarious, socialable fellow you see today was going to they gym. Gym rats make great friends and they're easy to domesticate! Okay, just kidding, but only to a point.

Put yourself out there, Sammy, and stop watching Mass For Shut-Ins in your room. Remember the signature number from Cabaret? There's a lot of wisdom there.

Sam said...

Thank you!

I am very social, and all u know. But I am simply pissed coz I feel like I do more effort than others to make friends... It sucks to feel that u always have to be the one initiating conversations and going for the other person(s)...

I did go out of my room at the end (and I just got back)...
I sat with Karen and we talked; more about her than about me... I don't know how to explain to her why I am miserable...
I am over it now.
We then joined some other fellows and started talking non sense, joking and laughing. It helped me feel better....

I am going to bed soon!

Thanks again,

wayner said...

All my life, if I said I would be there for someone at a certain time, I certainly did so. That hurts. Hmm, if this is a boarding school, don't they have other facilities available; eg swimming pool, gym, weight room, racketball etc? You might find some guys there to hang out with.(including gay guys) If you get into these activities, it can open some doors for you and get you in great shape also. It is not a nice feeling to be alone while everyone else is having fun; we all know what that is like. I remember going to the weight room at the YMCA for years, and I always enjoyed talking to and seeing the hot guys in the shower. (and trying to not get an erection!) I'm sure there are other sensitive guys at that school on your wavelength. Sometimes you just have to not give a shit and go for it. Try not to be too serious; a nice smile does wonders. - Wayne

PS; come on, get rid of that stupid delete garbage can; I'm on your side! I get frustrated too!

Eye said...

yeah I know how you feel, its not that people dont like you, but its just like everything that happens between you and everyone else is because you started it, it happens the same to me and it sucks.

But you just gotta do what it takes, right? its better than not doing anything at all, or maybe it's because you just need to stand out more... I dont know anyways, if you do, be sure to post it, lol

Scottie said...

OK wow Sam! Here is my little 2 cents worth. Everyone is different, even the guys here who write to you. Some go out, some stay in, But it works different for each person.

I was in a boarding school my senior year. During the seek I went to bed by 8 PM and up at 4 Am to roam and be by myself. ON Friday night and Saturday night, a group of us would stay in one room. However I did not hang with the guys any other time. I was sociable and friendly, but preferred to be by myself. I preferred to eat by myself.

In the service I would say, I am going to blank or going to do this. I would find several people or more would want to go along or join me. However many times I just skipped out with out saying a word.

Now I am much older. I have found that while I have friends who love to come over and visit, Ron and I enjoy the time we spend as just us. We do not go out much with others.

However when we want a group thing, or to do something with others we suggest it. We find we have many people wanted to join in. Our thanksgiving and Christmas dinners start with 6 and by the time everyone who asks gets to the table we have over twenty. Every time. We say we are going to Busch Gardens next week and we will have a car full.

Why? Because in every group there are leaders or people who are going to go do a thing and if people want to join then, great, but if not they still go! That is the way we are, and people follow others who know what they want to do and go do it. So what I would suggest. (I hate giving advice not asked for) You simple tell the people you want to do something with, that you are going to do this or that, or say hey what if we did this or that, and they will join in!

I don't see you as a follower. I see you as a leader in that you know what you want and why you want it. Others will respond to that. You are making a life for your self, and others will respond to that.

Sorry hope this helps.
Best wishes and hugs.

B. said...

Okay, here's my try to make you feel better, even it's hard.

I understand how you feel, I also had a really bad experience with all that and still sometimes have, but I simply realised that making good and real friends is very hard business and you just can't give up... They will come one day for sure, you'll see, and just don't give up easily on that kind of events, I mean give that girl another chance... real friends goes through a lot of fight, believe me...

John Doe said...

We can be friends ;) sorry i cant help in real life though.

Sam said...

@ wayner:
Man, my boarding school is kinda tiny and does not have all those facilities. We don’t even have a swimming pool (which is like the sport I enjoy the most)…. And public showers are nowhere to be found lol. Moreover, the majority of the students are like from one region while I come from a totally different place. I have adapted, true… but the thing is that most people are so narrow-minded and the somehow cool people are always busy with their girlfriends lol it sux! :P
I am graduating soon and will head to the US for college – I am certain that my life will get better over there (hopefully); especially the social side of it – I can at least meet non-straight people then ;) lol
Thanks for the advice about smiling and not being too serious – I actually follow that, at the end of the day… coz I am sick and tired of complaining and feeling miserable : )

@ Eye:
I gotta do what it takes, indeed!

@ Scottie:
Thank you for sharing your personal story. Man, I did ask for advice! That’s why I blog and get excited when people comment and give me feedback! Your comment did help. Thanks! I am a leader, eh? :)

@ B:
I am not giving up… I did give that girl another chance, by the way. She’s so caring and fun to hang out with :)

@ John Doe:
Thank you, man! Online friends are the best! ;)

CoolCharlie said...

Oh Sam, I'm now reading this post. I'm in tears, again.

Blogging has broken my ice shell. I'm no longer cool. I have feelings and I have needs, like you. We all need real friends, physical, like see you after class, hey; want to go for a run, hey; come over and catch a movie.

I get the; can you help with my
homework and do you know the answer to this assignment, I even let them see my work and risk disciplinary action for coercion.

Do they ever stop to think we are human just like them and need company too. Don’t get me wrong, I'm happy to help them; I like helping; I just want the same respect I give them, the friendship, it doesn’t have to even be fucking equal, but something like a effort from them would be nice.

Towards, the girl, don't blame her, she is typical in their own thoughtless ways, and the party organiser... mmmm...that’s another

I've had this happen, yeah Skype me?! I'm like then happy and all. But are they there, no! When I relate what happened the next day, my friends, (FMF) say you should have went over, but they just don't get it. I’m hurt and need time to compose myself.

Then there’s the day after, so why didn’t you come to the party, as if it’s my fault. I really want to say at the top of my voice I WASN’T FUCKING INVITED, YOU TWAT; no, it’s like; I didn’t really feel like it and stuff like that.

Sam, don’t let them win. Hang in there, keep getting in their face, lead the miserable lot in to doing things, and go down to the common room to see what’s happing, keep asking what’s happen? And count to 10 at those other times. I know you know when I mean. Like you said... at the end of the night after all the crap; you sort of had a good time. So don’t give up.

I’m with you babe, all the way.

So buddy, if you want we can hang and chill any time!

Love from your friend,

P.S. you should ask me, my TV room strategy. And it’s a shame you didn’t catch my recent awesome post on my friends. I write late at night then delete, when I’ve realised what I’ve written... lol Commenting is just so much safer... lol

Sam said...

DUDE! Are we twins or what? lol
I think you've got nice strategies over there.. I kinda use some of them at times, but sometimes I get hurt and emotional so I come back to my room and chill on my own. lame lol

I also have this thing.. where I feel like I am giving so much without getting anything in return (I just want them to ask me wassup just for the sake of checking on me, not to ask me at the end for some stupid favor!)

Anyway, I am not gonna stress about this for now. And you also should not. Make sure you always put your own good above them all!

Babe, I wish we could hang out together literally... But since it's not practical for now, I'd love us to work on our online friendship!

Love back,

PS: please email me that TV room strategy if you have it saved somewhere...