Thursday, January 28, 2010

updates about my confusion...

Hi,

I will just brief you a little about what’s been going on with my confusion.
So, Yesterday night I met with my advisor; I visited him at his place and sat with him for like an hour. That was the first time I talk to him about my confusion though he already knows about it from my former gay teacher. As I told you before my advisor is also gay but he did not come out at school but I knew about that by gadyar means lol. He is such a cool guy!! He was very supportive and told me a little about his own life, how he came out to some of his close friends, his parents’ reactions, his goals… He also kept on telling me: “Never go back” meaning that I should never regret any related move I do and that I should keep looking forward with confidence…

He suggested to me some books and movies (such as Milk) that he thinks I should get because they’d help me a lot. He will hopefully find some of them for me. He explained to me why my former teacher has told him about my confusion before asking me for permission – my former teacher knew that I will not be always able to see him and so he did not want to leave me on my own. How sweet! :)
He even thanked me for talking to him because it made him feel real (since he also gets irritated my how narrow-minded people at my school are) and he asked me to come and talk to him whenever I feel like :)
I also asked him if he can arrange for me to see my counsellor (who helped me before with other issues and who knows me very well) to work on making up my mind and self-acceptance...

He finally advised me not to come out to anyone at school. I am graduating in 5 months and leaving all of them. Plus, they are all so narrow-minded, he said, and coming out would bring me more harm than good, especially that I have to focus on my studies for the time being.

That was basically it….

I will keep you posted!
Sam

8 comments:

Scottie said...

I have read a few of your pages and I agree that coming out will bring you a big hassle. When you decide to live your openly, to allow that part of you to show it will be a great relief to you. It will also cause you some pain. So take your time and make sure you do it on your terms and your way, when it is best for you.

Nice blog, I like it.

Scottie

scottiestoybox.wordpress.com

xXxJoshuaxXx said...

As long as we are true to ourself are not living a lie

Love

xXx

Tim in Italy said...

Hmmmmmm. Sam, you talk about needing to make your mind and then you talk about not coming out to anyone at school, as though you have already made up your mind.

But I must ask, have you ever been with a man? And I don't mean a one night stand, but someone you perhaps felt something for? I wonder how you can be true to yourself without some exploration.

Sometimes it sounds like you're trying to decide when you should change the oil in your car rather than a life altering decision based on your perceptions of love and attraction. Give it time, man. You have some exploring to do, I think.

Sam said...

@ Scottie: Thanks a lot, man; I appreciate it! I am also loving your blog. It makes me smile every time I visit!

@ Joshua: waarheid! <3 u more!

@ Tim in Italy: Thanks, man! Your comment hits the core of what I am going through... it's just that I haven't been offered the best circumstances to experiment so far. I am willing to give it as much time as it requires. But I am sure you understand me though...
No, I have never been with a man, whatsoever, because it was never possible in the conservative/narrow minded environment I live in. These are my feelings with full honesty that I am posting on this blog...
Thanks a lot for your precious comments!

Octavius said...

That is some decent advice there fella. Education is important, and if coming out would disrupt that, then maybe you shouldn't for the time being.

I may have missed something, but are you out at all? Except for the two counselors of course.

Octavius.

Sam said...

Thanks Octavius. No I am not out at all... Only my advisor, former teacher, and counselor know about my confusion... and they keep this highly confidential

I cannot come out yet coz am not dead sure about who I am and what I wanna do about it...

B. said...

I'm so glad because of you, it's so nice when you have someone to talk to in person...

Sam said...

Merci B!
I hope you also have someone close, to talk to...
You know you have me, right?