Saturday, January 16, 2010

Sam, would you kiss a guy for me?


First of all, Mary is the name of that girl I told you is mature and is the one that I think will be the first ever to know that I am not as straight as people think. (she’s like one of my best female friends at the moment)

OK, so I was walking yesterday with Mary and her roommate and we were talking about random stuff and then we started talking about sexual stuff and so on (yeah, people can easily drift to those things).

She was telling me about watching that show where a lady made her man make out with another guy for them to have sex or so. I can’t remember the full story; I think it’s from Gossip Girl though. But anyway, we started talking about what we think of doing something like that. And out of nowhere, Mary asked me (in front of her roommate) whether I would ever do that.
She asked me if I would kiss a guy or sleep with him (and my girl in the same time) if I my girl would ask me to do that… She had this serious look on her face but I flirted her saying that I would do anything if the girl was her... Well, I always flirt with her but she knows I am not being serious. And then, we changed the discussion topic.

I wanted so badly to tell her “Yes! I would make out with a guy!” but could not.
I think if it were just her and me talking (not in public and not with her roommate around) I would have told her that. This could have been the trigger for me telling her “you know what? I don’t think I am straight” and then talk to her about what I am going through and ask her for her opinion, advice, and help...
 If only we were alone...

However, I like to think that when the right time for this to happen comes, it will come. Especially that I am still NOT ready AT ALL to share this with anyone (beside my former teacher who I am hoping to meet soon and you guys.)
I can’t even tell her for sure what I really want, nor can I answer her question: “Are you gay or bi?” because  I have to figure out that for myself…  Only one thing I am sure of for now: I AM NOT STRAIGHT!
But deep down, I feel that I haven’t, myself, admitted it yet…  It’s like I am running away from my own shadow…  if you understand what I mean.
So I cannot come out to anyone before coming out to myself… right? And I am not sure if I will come out to myself any soon…. I have been thinking so much about that and I have done so much research and read a lot about sexuality, teenage hood, etc.  during my holidays. But now, since, I am back at school… my busy schedule and school work are taking all my time and am not having enough time to think about myself deeply or have “Me time” to think, reflect, decide, and act upon…
It’s like some part of me has to hibernate for now…

I only have this blog to share what I go through and your comments and emails to support and inspire me. I am so grateful to all of you, especially Joshua who has proven to me that I am not alone in this and that I have a great friend to share with him everything and anything. Thanks a lot Josh!
I know for sure that this blog will be there for me to be true to myself and to my followers and to express what I am going through (and all the confusion) with honesty…
Thank y’all!   
Confused yet Honest

9 comments:

Tim in Italy said...

I had noted this on another young man's blog who is also still in the closet, but it bears repeating: unlike every other minority, gay people grow up alone. Unless you're lucky enough to have a gay uncle or older sib, you have to go it alone. If you're Black, Japanese, Malaysian, whatever, you most likely have family around you that teach you the mores and taboos of your tribe.

This can make coming out enormously difficult. There's no handbook so you have to take this leap of faith and while many gay people are wonderfully supportive... well, others are famous for eating their young. So, take your time, choose wisely and always remember: no matter how good he looks staring at you from across a crowded room, someone, somewhere, is tired of putting up with his shit.

The End

Sam said...

Thank you very much Tim with this comment and the advice. I'll keep that in mind!
I hope you're having a nice weekend

xXxJoshuaxXx said...

Man! I hope when u come out to her that she is supportive and such.

I get the idea she just might ;-)

Sam said...

I hope so too.. That's why I am still not talking to her a lot about my personal life; trying to lay the foundation of our trust and care for one another... I already know a lot about her so yeah.
She's from your mother land... she should understand! :-)

Micky said...

Quite a few people find that telling a best friend is not such a big thing afteral!

When I told my best friend (the first EVER person in the whole world) we were on holiday, drinking in my room.

After saying 'so what?' and 'I won't tell anyone until you tell me I can' he announced that he couldn't be bothered to walk down the landing to his own room and jumped into my bed!

Oh - but I didn't fancy him and no we didn't!

Certainly wasn't much of a big deal though.

Sam said...

Thank you Micky for your insight. I am getting the gut with time...

I think I will do that soon; just when the atmosphere is kinda OK or when a discussion triggers it...

Hugs,
Sam

B. said...

Yeah it was Gossip Girl, I'm watching that show :) It was hot scene... I loved it

And I totally understand you with your struggle about "accepting yourself"... I've been denying my sexuality for over 3-4 years and finally admitted to my self on the May, 2nd 2007, and I even made my blog on one year anniversary (http://secretblog3.blogspot.com/2008/05/fresh-start.html) :) I know all about struggle and denying and living one life in your head (with the fantasies and all "weird" stuff) and totally different one in public (trying to deny everything and surpress all feelings and all fantasies)...

But at that period I was 17 years old and surounded by homophobic society, so that struggle was produced because of fear of everybody, and accepting yourself was HUUUUGE step for me. Almost like coming out to everybody...

And I admitted to my friend that I'm bi only 20 days after 2nd May...

Sam said...

WOW! You keep dates... that's amazing... maybe I should also keep track of time and like maybe record what I milestone I achieve, and at what time...

Did you leave that homophobic society now?

btw, why do you say "(with the fantasies and all "weird" stuff) " ?
Do u still think it's weird?

B. said...

I was raised in a society which is really homophobic and I was taught that being homosexual and/or bi ("different") means something wrong and in first years I struggled a lot to accept first that this is normal, and second that I feel different toward men.

So, one day I was pissed at myself cause I felt "not normal" cause I had fantasies about men and the other day I kinda felt "normal". And it was like my sub-conscience liked men and I was struggling to deny it. And I felt that those things were "weird", that's why I said that... It was really hard period, but I was glad that I accomplished to accept that to me... Now I feel kinda free, the next step is coming out to everybody, but I feel that that will never happen, cause a lot of people would be hurt, I simply know it... Especially my parents :( But we'll see what will happen