First of all, the title is not for you, it's for my friends in real life, the nasty one, yeah!
I was sitting in my room and thinking... and then I got upset and felt frustrated.
OK, so I chat with my friends a lot via various forums (msn/facebook/skype/gmail/etc.) but I always find myself complaining and whining when they ask me what's up or if they sense I am not feeling well and ask me why.
Basically, I am sick and tired of complaining. Yeah, I have many good things happening in my life and I am blessed enough to be doing great at school, to have a nice family, and to be given opportunities that many people of my age do not have or rather wish they had.
But I am NOT happy! I used to wonder why I am unhappy but now I think it's mainly because I lack real friends...
None of my friends know almost everything about me. None of them knows the real me, I feel.
I don't know what I mean by "real me" because I am sure it does not only revolve about them knowing about my sexual identity because my sexual identity is not what makes me the Sam that I am today...
I don't know what to do about that... I am clueless...
I have tried so hard building good friendships but I always end up hurting myself by caring too much, more than the friend, and not having something worthwhile in return (as in, the same amount of care)
So I am giving up on them all. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to struggle to build friendships, I do not want to exhaust myself (physicall and mentally) to keep up those friendships and make sure the friend(s) are happy and satisfied with what I can offer (listening, advising, caring, whatever...)
None of them is making me happy or making me feel they would truly be there for me. They DO tell me "Sam, please know that I am there for you whenever you need". But I don't feel it. I simply don't feel this mutual care... I cannot force myself to feel it.... I don't know why.
So I am giving up...
It does not mean that I will become unfriendly, rude, or careless. Nor does it mean that I am going to become a loner and lonely.
I will simply try, as much as possible, not to involve myself too much until the moment where the friendship starts bringing me more harm than good.
Many friends have hurt me before. I don't want this to happen again.
I want to protect myself, at least for the time being. I will graduate soon from my school, forget about the hurtful friends and the fake friendships, move to college, and hopefully start over with this building friendships thingy....
I just had to talk about this with someone.
So I couldn't do anything but to ramble on my blog...
Thanks for reading!