Sunday, January 31, 2010

I am giving up on y'all

Hey Freinds,

First of all, the title is not for you, it's for my friends in real life, the nasty one, yeah!

I was sitting in my room and thinking... and then I got upset and felt frustrated.

OK, so I chat with my friends  a lot via various forums (msn/facebook/skype/gmail/etc.) but I always find myself complaining and whining when they ask me what's up or if they sense I am not feeling well and ask me why.
Basically, I am sick and tired of complaining. Yeah, I have many good things happening in my life and I am blessed enough to be doing great at school, to have a nice family, and to be given opportunities that many people of my age do not have or rather wish they had.
But I am NOT happy! I used to wonder why I am unhappy but now I think it's mainly because I lack real friends...
None of my friends know almost everything about me. None of them knows the real me, I feel.
I don't know what I mean by "real me" because I am sure it does not only revolve about them knowing about my sexual identity because my sexual identity is not what makes me the Sam that I am today...
I don't know what to do about that... I am clueless...

I have tried so hard building good friendships but I always end up hurting myself by caring too much, more than the friend, and not having something worthwhile in return (as in, the same amount of care)
So I am giving up on them all. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to struggle to build friendships, I do not want to exhaust myself (physicall and mentally) to keep up those friendships and make sure the friend(s) are happy and satisfied with what I can offer (listening, advising, caring, whatever...)

None of them is making me happy or making me feel they would truly be there for me. They DO tell me "Sam, please know that I am there for you whenever you need". But I don't feel it. I simply don't feel this mutual care... I cannot force myself to feel it.... I don't know why.

So I am giving up...
It does not mean that I will become unfriendly, rude, or careless. Nor does it mean that I am going to become a loner and lonely.
I will simply try, as much as possible, not to involve myself too much until the moment where the friendship starts bringing me more harm than good.
Many friends have hurt me before. I don't want this to happen again.
I want to protect myself, at least for the time being. I will graduate soon from my school, forget about the hurtful friends and the fake friendships, move to college, and hopefully start over with this building friendships thingy....

I just had to talk about this with someone.
So I couldn't do anything but to ramble on my blog...

Thanks for reading!



alex said...

It's hard when one feels in a relationship is giving more than it receives.
And do not worry about ramble on your blog, after all if you can not here, then where? You know after reading all your blog, came to my mind this song, I'm not sure why? But I hope you like it.

Sam said...

Thank you Alex...
I am liking this song!! It's so true... very nice music too
a friendship, indeed, can either be "a sweet flower or become a poisonous fruit."
I wish I understand Japanese...

Why is your profile not accessible? Do you have a blog or so?
I'd like to know more about you, my friend...

Scottie said...

Hello Sam. I have to run so only a short note now. Later I will come back and add to it.

If you were placed alone on a island, and had to stay there for a year,with all the comforts you would need except no communication with anyone else. Who would be responsible for your being happy or not?

You would right? well in a way every person is an island. We are encased in our own bodies and minds. We talk but we never know for sure if the other person heard what we meant to say, the way we wanted to say it. Same for what we hear. So each of us has to decided to be happy for ourselves. Only I can make my self happy or not.

Yes others can influence us temporarily. Some one can tick you off, or make you laugh. You can hear something that will make you sad. But that doesn't stay with you or get into you. Your happiness comes from with in you. That happiness will last through everything and all your life. If you decided to be happy, them it will show in every thing you do and every part of your life.

Best wishes,

alex said...

"No man, proclaimed Donne, is an island, and he was wrong. If we were not island, we would be lost, drowned in each others thagedies. We are insulated (a word that means, literally, made into an island) from tragedy of others, by ours island nature, and by repetitive shape and form of the stories.The shape not change: there was a human being who was born, lived, and then, by some means or other, died. There. You may fill in the details from your own experience. As unoriginal as any other tale, as unique as any other life. Lives are snowflakes - forming patterns we have seen before, as like one another as peas in a pod (and have you ever looked at pes in a pod?I mean, really lookeed at them? Theres not chance youd mistake one for another, after a minutes close inspection), but still unique.
A life that is , like any other, unlike any other."
American Gods, Neil Gaiman

Scottie said...

Hello Sam. I want to talk to you about two more things in your post. The real you, and giving more to people than you get back. However it has gotten late and I soon must go to bed, so I will drop in tomorrow morning some time to leave you a note.

Sleep well, get rested and recharged.
Best wishes, Scottie

southern said...

Sam nothing worthwhile in life comes easy.Every person in your life makes a contribution - some major some minor - some people are stepping stones to help you get some where and then they or you move on. Every thing and everybody plays a part in your life and you in theirs. Today you are down tomorrow you might be up.Just keep living your life the best way you can and who knows what wonderful surprises are waiting to come your way - some times shit comes and you learn to deal with that to - it will pass.
Regards Stef.

Tim in Italy said...

Oh, my, my, my...

Okay, a couple of thoughts: my first response would be that you're not happy, because you're living a lie. And this unease will increase over time. And if you are not being your true self, what, exactly, are you showing to the world? This bears thinking about.

Secondly, where did you get this: " sexual identity is not what makes me the Sam that I am today..."? Wanna bet. It flavors every aspect of you, including your perceptions and the choices you make in life. In his book, "At Swim, Two Boys", Jamie O'Neil puts forward the idea that homosexuality is actually a separate race, with its own identifiers, mores, customs and taboos. I use to say that the only thing that made me gay was who I slept with. But as I've gotten older, I can see how wrong I was.

I understand that there isn't much you can do about it now given your repressive environment, but when you're free... well, that's going to be the loudest rubber band snap ever heard.

alex said...

I have no blog at one point thought to open one but different situations were presented, some of which have not yet solved, which restrict me to do so. If you want to know about me, you ask, but I reserve the right to respond. :)
If you know Spanish, podemos hablar en el, amigo.

wayner said...

Oh for fuck's sake; find another guy who likes you and suck each other off. Now you have a friend you can share your deepest feelings with!

Sam said...

Hello Guys! I am so sorry for replying this late; I was so overworked at school...

@ Alex:
No puedo hablar español... But I will learn it soon (when I move to college)coz I love it :)
I love your analogies. You know my email address; so shoot me an email if you like and then we take if from there (getting to know each other)
Mucho Gracias, Senor!

@ Scottie:
Thanks for your words... I guess I gotta work on making my happiness come from within me n stop letting people influence my well-being this much...
Hope you're doing well!

@ Stef:
Thank you man. Your comments are always so sweet and make me think positively about everything around me... If Life gives us lemon, we gotta do Lemonade, eh?
I'll learn how to deal with all that life has to offer... need time though

@ Tim:
Man... you speak wisdom, you know?
I am sorry for saying:
" sexual identity is not what makes me the Sam that I am today..."
What I meant is that my sexual identity, as much as it is a very integral part of who I am, it is not everything. I mean, it does not always dictate how I behave or who I should be regarded as... I don't know if I am making sense...
I am confused, myself

"What exactly am I showing to the world?"
--well.. I am showing the best of me... I am perfectionist and I do try my best to impress people and make them look up to me. It takes a lot of energy and effort from me but fortunately/unfortunately I do enjoy it (at the end of the day)...
You're right; I might be living a lie so far... (coz of circumstances; as u know) but I am trying to clean up n tidy my life and the way I come across...
Blogging is helping me in that, by the way



alex said...

Perhaps this losing my memory, but why would know your email? I check the blog and found none.

Sam said...

Sorry Alex!
You can see it if you check my complete profile. I'll write it there more explicitly now:


B. said...

OMG... I think that I said this three letter like 10 times in your whole blog tonight, but I'm so surprised by things which are similar in both of us. reading your complete blog and especially this post it sounds like I'm living my life once again :) and all experiences I experienced now happens to you. I also had BIG problems with all my friends and I still have them (but mainly cause a lot of my friends are narrow-minded, childish etc.), but still I love them and I found for now ONE REAL FRIEND (but in the real meaning of that word) and I love HER sooooo much (as a friend of course)...

And we must talk online more, I feel that we are so alike... Maybe sounds bit stalker, but I don't care, I want to meet you and just talk to you to exchange experiences....

And I'm replying to that email you send me yesterday immediately :)

Cheers, and all the best,

Sam said...

Hey B!
Feel free to use this OMG 3 letters as much as u like, man!
I also use it quite often lol

I am glad you found a REAL good friend; it's great! Stick to that friendship! I hope it prospers!!!

I am so glad we have this much stuff in common; I'll be replying to your email now!