Sunday, January 31, 2010

I am giving up on y'all

Hey Freinds,

First of all, the title is not for you, it's for my friends in real life, the nasty one, yeah!

I was sitting in my room and thinking... and then I got upset and felt frustrated.

OK, so I chat with my friends  a lot via various forums (msn/facebook/skype/gmail/etc.) but I always find myself complaining and whining when they ask me what's up or if they sense I am not feeling well and ask me why.
Basically, I am sick and tired of complaining. Yeah, I have many good things happening in my life and I am blessed enough to be doing great at school, to have a nice family, and to be given opportunities that many people of my age do not have or rather wish they had.
But I am NOT happy! I used to wonder why I am unhappy but now I think it's mainly because I lack real friends...
None of my friends know almost everything about me. None of them knows the real me, I feel.
I don't know what I mean by "real me" because I am sure it does not only revolve about them knowing about my sexual identity because my sexual identity is not what makes me the Sam that I am today...
I don't know what to do about that... I am clueless...

I have tried so hard building good friendships but I always end up hurting myself by caring too much, more than the friend, and not having something worthwhile in return (as in, the same amount of care)
So I am giving up on them all. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to struggle to build friendships, I do not want to exhaust myself (physicall and mentally) to keep up those friendships and make sure the friend(s) are happy and satisfied with what I can offer (listening, advising, caring, whatever...)

None of them is making me happy or making me feel they would truly be there for me. They DO tell me "Sam, please know that I am there for you whenever you need". But I don't feel it. I simply don't feel this mutual care... I cannot force myself to feel it.... I don't know why.

So I am giving up...
It does not mean that I will become unfriendly, rude, or careless. Nor does it mean that I am going to become a loner and lonely.
I will simply try, as much as possible, not to involve myself too much until the moment where the friendship starts bringing me more harm than good.
Many friends have hurt me before. I don't want this to happen again.
I want to protect myself, at least for the time being. I will graduate soon from my school, forget about the hurtful friends and the fake friendships, move to college, and hopefully start over with this building friendships thingy....


I just had to talk about this with someone.
So I couldn't do anything but to ramble on my blog...

Thanks for reading!

Cheers!
Sam

Me, Myself and I (Weird/Unique)

Happy Sunday to you all!

Today, I am posting 15 facts that are somehow weird or unique to moi.
So please enjoy getting to know more about me,

Weird/Unique


61. I have a driving license but am not a good driver; I guess it’s coz I never really practiced much
62. I once lost a USB at a Hotel and it had very personal stuff on it – like family and friends photos, personal emails and official documents… I felt so bad but then got over it and I try not to think about it.
63. I cannot curse (say the very big/nasty words) in my native language
64. I do not enjoy playing video games – I think they’re such a waste of time (no offense)
65. I do not sing while showering
66. I try as much as possible to match my underwear (boxer briefs) with the color of my clothes (specifically with the color of my T-shirts)
67. I wish I can dance better than I do; I can go with the flow though when need be
68. I can dance like "Shakira" but no one has ever seen me doing so (and hopefully no one will ever do) lol I do not like to come across as fem (no offense) and fortunately enough, I don’t :)
69. My mom says that I rarely dirtied or torn my clothes when I was young
70. I watch TV shows that my father think are not manly enough: reality TV shows, beauty pageants, plastic surgery/relooking shows, etc. Yeah, dad is a bit too old-fashioned
71. I find Jacob (Taylor Lautner) way cuter and hotter than Edward (Robert Pattinson) in new moon. I think I am in love with Taylor.. :$
72. Some friends say I walk like a male model; but it’s only because I sometimes consciously do it lol
73. I love saying the F word whenever possible (but in a cute way)
74. I am so good at flirting (with girls so far) and they love it!
75. I am such a gentleman (my girl friends say). I treat them nicely, open the door, carry their stuff, kiss their hand (on special occasions), listen well to what they say, compliment their hair/make-up/clothes, advise them , offer my shoulder as shelter… yeah

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Me, Myself and I (Looks)

Good day Friends!

Here are new 15 facts about me. Guess it's gonna be exciting coz now I am posting about my....


Looks:

46.   I used to have vampire-like teeth but now I fixed them – I kinda regret it
47.   I have a nice scar on my forehead  – just like Harry Potter lol. But it is horizontal not vertical. People don't tend to see it if I don't mention it. I love it!
48.   I can’t live without having a watch in my hand; even if it is not working. I think it’s just that I am simply used to having some weight on my left hand. But I DO check it quite often.
49.   I love VERY tight jeans but never worn them outside the clothes shop… I wear somehow tight ones, but not very tight, though.
50.   I am metrosexual by choice :)
51.   I love pink shirts/T-Shirts… but only have a few (~4) of them. I think pink is very attractive on men! We all do, don’t we? lol
52.   I don’t like growing facial hair and luckily don’t have much of it; I always carry a fresh clean cut!
53.   I have always wanted to have long hair but never did. You know, it reaches that stage where it gets annoying so I get tired and cut it short.
54.   I have braided my hair twice and loved it! Now I have a short and messy Mohawk
55.   David Beckham and Joe Jonas are my fashion icons! I don’t have only one particular fashion style though… I wear what suits me well… sexy and formusual (formal + casual) lol
56.   I like scarves and hats… all types and colors
57.   I have no tattoos or piercing anywhere (yet lol); just coz my parents hate them to bits! (I am thinking of getting a small tattoo somewhere that not everyone sees… shhh!)
58.   I love my eye brows; especially how they look now – quite similar to Joe Jonas’ (I fix them a bit, only from the middle and think many guys should do so!)
59.   I wear spectacles but can get rid of them if they do not match my look – I think the ones I have now are cool but am getting new ones (even cooler) soon 
60.   Many people have told me that my toes look pretty! I know they do; they’re well proportional and follow a nice arc-shape! (too much information eh?) lol  I wear sandals/slippers quite often. But converse All star is my favorite daily shoes by far (comfy n cool) lol

Friday, January 29, 2010

I am driven by my head, not my dick head!

Hi guys!

Ok so the reason for having such a title is the narrow mindedness of the people I live with (i.e. my school mates). Whenever they see some guy hanging out with some girl for long time and on several days, they start wondering if the person is hitting on her. I’ve had enough of this, especially because most of my close friends are chicks - good looking ones ; )

It doesn’t upset me much but it simply bugs me to know that such superficial people still exist in today’s world – worse than that; I am living with such people 24/7!!!
So a guy friend came to my room for a chit chat today and asked me, out of nowhere, how Mary and I are doing… I was like: “wth? What do u mean?” He referred to whether I am hitting on her and if anything is about to happen between us any soon (going out or so)

So my direct response to him was: “Man! I am driven by my head not my dick head!”
After I thought again about what I told him I realized that this is quite true about me...

Well, I do talk quite pervily with my good friends and all but that’s simply coz I am mischievous and enjoy making people laugh (at me, at what I say, or at a joke I throw; doesn’t matter) But beside that, I have always managed to control my hormone levels really well. lol
I am naughty in speaking but not as much in acting… (probably coz of circumstance?) I really don’t know…

I was wondering if there’s something wrong with me because all guys around me are always talking about girls, dating, making out…. Blah bla blah… I do join them in those talks and find myself kinda forced to go with the flow…. When in Rome do as Romans do, I guess

But seriously, why am I so driven by my head and not my dick head? (sorry for my language lol)

I care about talking and listening to the person I am with and not only holding their hands and pretending I am listening…
I do love getting intimate and all with someone I love and care about (doesn’t matter if it’s a he or a she but I have so far done it with girls only) but I can really do well without it…

Basically I don’t feel the urge to have this much intimacy in my life for now. My advisor told me it’s because I am still trying to find out who I am and probably coz my confusion is binding my feelings and probably – my hormones lol

(I so wish I can have a nice tight hug now, though!)


I hope my post was somehow entertaining...


Have a great weekend, great people!
Sam

Me, Myself and I (Tastes)

Good Day y'all!

So here are 15 new facts about me, and now around:

Tastes:


  31.   I like the spring season
  32.   I HATE smoking, its smell and all. But kinda got used to passive smoking because my mom and other relatives smoke…
  33.   18. I am not a big fan of alcohol; I just don’t find it that tasty. However, I don’t mind drinking it with friends around or at parties. I love the social aspect of it! I dislike the taste of whiskey and beer. I like Vodka when mixed with Redbull or some juice, oh and I love alcoholic Cocktails!
  34.   I have no ONE favorite food. I like exotic cuisines; cannot eat very chilly stuff
  35.   I LOVE Mango in all it forms: fresh fruit, juice, ice cream
  36.   I have something for bracelets – I love owning them but don’t always have them in my hands. I give out a lot of them to friends when they say they like them and want them.
  37.   I love rings too but they somehow annoy me; especially when I scratch myself with them while washing my face.
  38.   I like the smell of (light) matches
  39.   I do not really have a one favorite color. Whit and light colors match me very well. So does black!
  40.   I love having some occasion/event to dress up. “Dress up good; feel good!”
  41.   I do not fancy people with big tattoos all over their bodies
  42.   I love colored eyes
  43.   I LOVE Disney Channel and I can spend a whole day on it if I got nothing to do. I also love all Disney songs (New World, Beauty and the Beast, Son of man, etc.) Do not get me wrong; I aint childish or so; I simply enjoy sweet and cool shows from time to time lol
  44.   I watched all three “High School Musical” and am not ashamed of it – I know almost all the songs by heart lol
  45.   I find medium-long and straight hair on guys very hot

Thursday, January 28, 2010

updates about my confusion...

Hi,

I will just brief you a little about what’s been going on with my confusion.
So, Yesterday night I met with my advisor; I visited him at his place and sat with him for like an hour. That was the first time I talk to him about my confusion though he already knows about it from my former gay teacher. As I told you before my advisor is also gay but he did not come out at school but I knew about that by gadyar means lol. He is such a cool guy!! He was very supportive and told me a little about his own life, how he came out to some of his close friends, his parents’ reactions, his goals… He also kept on telling me: “Never go back” meaning that I should never regret any related move I do and that I should keep looking forward with confidence…

He suggested to me some books and movies (such as Milk) that he thinks I should get because they’d help me a lot. He will hopefully find some of them for me. He explained to me why my former teacher has told him about my confusion before asking me for permission – my former teacher knew that I will not be always able to see him and so he did not want to leave me on my own. How sweet! :)
He even thanked me for talking to him because it made him feel real (since he also gets irritated my how narrow-minded people at my school are) and he asked me to come and talk to him whenever I feel like :)
I also asked him if he can arrange for me to see my counsellor (who helped me before with other issues and who knows me very well) to work on making up my mind and self-acceptance...

He finally advised me not to come out to anyone at school. I am graduating in 5 months and leaving all of them. Plus, they are all so narrow-minded, he said, and coming out would bring me more harm than good, especially that I have to focus on my studies for the time being.

That was basically it….

I will keep you posted!
Sam

Me, Myself and I (Education/Work)

Hello y'all!

Here are 15 facts about Moi! Now, around Education and Work.
Enjoy!!


Education/Work

16. I have always been a top student at my school, although I do not work as hard as people think
17. I am currently at a very prestigious high school (senior year)
18. I have applied to 11 universities in the US and 4 in the UK. I already got admitted into two universities in the US; one of them is VERY big and famous; Gosh! I am lucky!
19. I have no idea what I want to study at college
20. I used to say I wanna become a doctor but am not sure if I really like medicine or if I have rather convinced myself about it… weird
21. If I were a doctor, I would be a plastic surgeon
22. I once (during summer break) worked on a gas station – I am proud for managing to make it through :P
23. I once worked as a waiter and it was fun yet tiring since my shift was in the afternoon and lasted until past midnight
24. I hate studying (have you ever known that it comes from study + dying?)
25. I am perfectionist when it comes to school work and other related deeds
26. I am into all disciplines: sciences, humanities, and social sciences. Straight people cannot do that! lol
27. I am fluent in 3 different languages, functional at one and planning on taking 2 additional ones. When I am done with those; I will be functional to fluent in all U.N. languages.
28. I procrastinate a lot before having my work done but I always meet the deadlines
29. I once spent a week in the ER shadowing doctors – in an attempt to discover whether I am passionate about medicine
30. I have been a pioneer student in both my school and my high school

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Me, Myself and I (Interests)


Good day Great People!!
So I also want you to get to know me better so I will be posting a list of facts about me.
For originality’s sake, I’ll post 90 facts (not 100 lol) and will divide those facts into 6 different sections (15 facts each) according to the following:
  • Interests;
  • Education/Work;
  • Tastes;
  • Looks;
  • Unique/Weird facts; 
  • Family/Friends.
For now I will start with “Interests”. You can decide what you want me to post next by either commenting or emailing me.
PS: Feel free to ask/clarify anything – no matter how weird you think it would sound lol 

Interests

  1. I hate all kinds of sports that have balls in them that are bigger than the size of the tennis’ ball (i.e. soccer/football, basket ball, volley ball) but I can decently play them though, if need be.
  2. From sports, I enjoy hiking, cycling, climbing, table-tennis, tennis, Frisbee
  3. I love swimming; I am good at it (recreationally) but do not play it competitively
  4. I can paint; it’s my number one hobby/talent
  5. I cannot sing; I wish I could so that I would have quitted school long time ago and started a singer career lol
  6. I like acting but never did it on a school stage or so. I think I’d either act for something big (like a TV show or a movie) or nothing at all. I act in life though- almost everybody does that, I think. lol
  7. I love cooking, especially desserts like cheese cake and Tiramisu.
  8. I like ballroom dancing and hip hop; wanna take lessons in those
  9. I like almost all types of music but am not addicted to any of it; as in, I am not like those who cannot study, walk, sleep, eat… without having music played in the background. Music is my refuge at certain times: boredom, unhappiness, anger, excitement, romance…
  10. I like shopping; my sisters and mom rely on my taste when I go shopping with them. I hate it when people say: “All guys hate shopping!” or so
  11. I am very tidy – my room is always well organized
  12. I love watching movies – with people
  13. I love traveling for the sake of seeing new places and making social contacts
  14. I am a very social person – I listen well to people and make friends easily. People could easily tell whether I like them or not
  15. I love wasting time – especially online

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

ups and downs

Hello People!

So I am extremely busy these weeks with school stuff. I have mocks coming out soon and my school likes us to have mocks for the mocks; if you get what I mean- basically they wanna make us wok our asses out so we achieve the highest possible scores for, of course, reputation lol BS

Anyway, my weekend was interesting.
Although I put down on my agenda that I gotta do some serious studying; I could barely do 1/4 of the stuff I had planned. I was so down on Saturday coz I remembered how crappy of a life people can make me have if I do come out, especially at my narrow-minded school. I really want to be straight!!!! I told myself in pain...  life would have been much easier!! I have a lot to work on in terms of self-acceptance... I understand that I am going through very normal phases and I will give myself time and patience...

So then, I was sitting and talking with one of my very good girl friends (Karen) who was telling me about her bf breaking up with her.... And then she sensed that am not feeling well so begged me to tell her what's up... she said she'd understand no matter how weird the thing is but I did not tell her anything... Well, 5 minutes before then, she made a random joke about lesbians and gays (and I had to laugh about it to scatter any though she'd have--- I felt bad about myself later on; It was like I was kinda laughing at myself, deep down )
so how am I supposed to dare talking to her??

But then, we changed topics and went to the school's auditorium to watch a comedy show -Russel Peter. It  was hilarious, yet it was the first time I get to know him - I am so behind, I know. I got to cheer up a bit and forget about my worries for a while.

The second day I went to the mall with Mary. I hoped we'd stroll alone and talk but then some other friends joined us for lunch and for the movie. We watched "Brothers". I think I like it and dislike it in the same time. Well, it definitely has a good message towards the American politics but bleh... it was not that exciting as a movie.

Mary is quite a loner by choice, by the way. So for example, I always have to go for her and get in her way for us to walk together and talk. She prefers staying in her room (at boarding school) most of the time.... I know she does care about me.

But then, when we do get together we talk a lot, about a lot of things... But it's almost always about her... She kinda has some issues with her ex (still madly in love with him) and other guys from home... plus college stuff and academic complaints. So I try to give her my opinion towards things and advise her. She appreciates it, I think. I do not talk much about myseff to her coz I still wanna make sure that our friendship lies on strong base.

I love talking to her; as in I really enjoy it, and I don't fell bad nor used coz we talk about her more than me. She's so cute and adorable.... very baby-like and ridiculously cute!!!

Enough about Mary for now.
Basically that's what's been up...

This week, I am so so busy with school. I have 2 exams (chemistry and maths) (mock for the mock lol) plus gotta prepare for the board meeting of my community service project (an NGO-like)

Will keep you posted!

Best wishes,
Sam

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I also sit here crying....

Hello!

I have just read the post "I sit here Crying" by “Of The Male Persuasion” and I found myself crying too.
I did NOT literally cry that much because I was in a public space but I felt so bad and I could feel that tears could easily pop out of my eyes… My heart did that thing which I don’t know how to explain... it kinda shrunk and I felt as if some strong acid went through it.

I am feeling so bad right now…
As I posted before; I’ve been lately feeling good about myself and no longer thinking I am wrong and odd. I’ve been happy for not questioning my sexuality and just going with the flow. I have been able to forget for a bit about how my life will be turned upside down if I decide I am bi or gay (still finding out) and if I start coming out…
But that post reminded me that worst is yet to come… I am so far from being any ready for that painful path…

I appreciate “Of The Male Persuasion” for sharing his experience with us and making me come back to reality… I am glad his Mom is understanding and I admire his courage!

I will see what I can do for now to get over my sadness… here comes reality to hit back in the face :(

Sad but honest

Friday, January 22, 2010

...Pissed :S

...I am cool but deep down very pissed! I don’t know why I am not feeling as pissed as I should or as much as I think I am…. Maybe it’s gonna get to me a bit later..

I just found out that I will not be able to see my former teacher on Saturday! :- (

The thing is a bit more complicated than what I think and cannot explain to you why it is tricky to meet up with him...
The school will not let me go see him this easily. And I don’t wanna go begging the Dean to give me permission. My parents emailed the Dean to grant me consent last time but the Dean is not on good terms with the teacher so he will make it look hard…
I have emailed the Dean for permission but he just ignored it…
Moreover, if I simply go and ask him in person he will start rambling around and would probably ask me: “Why do you wanna see this teacher?” and “what do you guys discuss?” and of course I cannot tell him “it’s out of your business!”…. And then he might just make his own conclusions and find out about me….
And that is the LAST thing I want to happen!!!!
So you know why I am pissed! Damn it! I cannot wait to graduate and regain my freedom!

Pissed yet honest

People should mind their own business, at times...

Hi Friends!


I hope you’ve all got fun plans for the weekend!
I am excited coz I’ll hopefully be meeting with my former teacher off campus on Saturday (the only one I ever talked with about my confusion) and I think this could be like a wrap up discussion. I am planning on making up my mind about what I want to do next. As in, I gotta decide who I am talking to amongst my friends (at boarding school) about my sexuality. There are like 5 close best friends who are open minded enough and who I think will be quite supportive. So I am gonna think about when/where/how with my teacher…

One thing annoys me though. It is that my former teacher has actually told my Advisor at school (also gay) about what I discuss with him; he (my advisor) actually has to grant me permission to see him. But he did not ask me beforehand if I am ok with sharing this with my advisor! What the hek!!?? As in, I think he assumed that since my advisor is also gay, he would then understand my need to see him for discussions and all that. But Man! If I were cool discussing that with my Advisor (who I knew was gay without him telling me or so) I would have directly gone to him instead!!!! Even gay people suck at times lol (kidding)

But I should get over this pissed feeling. There’s nothing really I can do about it. It sucks how in life there are certain decisions you make or certain things you claim that you can never remove away from people’s opinions nor could you rewind back and delete. And that’s why I HATE labels as a general rule. So like; I am free to like whoever I like for example. If I claim one day that I am straight and then start finding some guy cute, people will say oh that’s gay and if the opposite happens people will also start judging and speaking non sense. People should simply f*** off sometimes and mind their own business when all they can do is making someone’s life more miserable. Some people should just know that if what they’re gonna say would bring more harm than good; then they should simply forget about saying it. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want people to be dishonest with each other or not be able to give constructive feedback, share their personal/respectful opinions or give potentially-helpful advice, etc… I simply mean that there are times when people should understand what others go through and be considerate to other people’s feelings. Amazing people!

Best,
Sam

Thursday, January 21, 2010

It's weird but I like it!

Hello Dearest People!

I am so excited!! I have 9 followers now!!!! Thank you all for being here! :)
So for the past days (especially after I have gotten this blog) I feel really good about myself and my sexual identity...
As in, I think I am on the right track of accepting myself for who I am.
I no longer feel as if I have something to hide although I have not come out to anyone yet (and will not do so any soon). I just feel good coz I am in the process of coming out to myself...
I am not thinking about how wrong I used to think I am and what my religion/family/friends would think of me... I don't know why this is happening but I am not complaining for now lol
I know this whole crap will get back to me sooner than I think but for now I am feeling overall good about myself!!!! and wanted you to know this.

But still, I know you will say I am stupid and all that but I will tell you anyway:
I cannot figure out whether I am Bi or totally gay..
As in how can I know? I know I have the answer within me somewhere but I cannot find it in the time being.
I will tell you more about why I am confused about that in a later post...
For now I can tell you that I feel sexually attracted to men and emotionally attracted to women (if you know what I mean)
I cannot wait until I'll be able to post about my final decision when I make up my mind or rather know myself better!!!


On a side note, I am doing OK in general. My school is still making me work like an animal but it will be over soon... I chose to go to this school and be academically and socially challenged. So I have to bear with the consequences.
I have no plans for the weekend but to catch up on my school work (coz I have been very lazy during the week), sleep for a descent amount of time and catch up with some friends.

Hope you are all doing well!!

Cheers!
Sam

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

a romantically desperate poem :P

Hello!

There's nothing much up happening in my life... just school work and a lot of it!
But today was a bit more relaxed than the days before... one of my teachers were absent and I had like 4 free periods! so I chilled a bit....
I am still spending like 2 hours every night doing nothing, absolutely nothing, but thinking about my life and trying to discover who I am and what I want in life...
It's quite enjoyable but also a bit scary... what your mind can bring up.

I'll share with you a poem I once wrote for someone I used to like... but then we never got along after some misunderstanding happened between us...
This piece does not necessarily reflect what I felt for one particular person but rather what many people meant to me... it's like things repeat themselves:
SAME GAME... DIFFERENT PLAYERS


What did you ask for… Hatred?
Coz that’s what I got in awe
Was it fooling me what you wanted?
Coz that’s where I stand right now

I used to dream
To dream about what I never dared
I used to dream
About our story being bared

I respected and trusted you…
I cared about you…
And became dependent when…
I finally dared to Love you

You told me nice words
From my head flew birds
And Butterflies in my tummy
Made me believe you’re my honey

I longed to tell you
How I felt, What I felt
I wished I have told you
My heart for you would melt

Before the spring had come
I trusted our flowers to blossom
I had absolute No doubt
That soon we will become...


PS: the people who are addressed by this, have not read it and will hopefully never do

Saturday, January 16, 2010

changing the blog layout

Good day people!

I just changed some stuff about the blog layout coz I was so bored from red and green... it was very Christmasy... Hope you like it! :)

Sam, would you kiss a guy for me?


First of all, Mary is the name of that girl I told you is mature and is the one that I think will be the first ever to know that I am not as straight as people think. (she’s like one of my best female friends at the moment)

OK, so I was walking yesterday with Mary and her roommate and we were talking about random stuff and then we started talking about sexual stuff and so on (yeah, people can easily drift to those things).

She was telling me about watching that show where a lady made her man make out with another guy for them to have sex or so. I can’t remember the full story; I think it’s from Gossip Girl though. But anyway, we started talking about what we think of doing something like that. And out of nowhere, Mary asked me (in front of her roommate) whether I would ever do that.
She asked me if I would kiss a guy or sleep with him (and my girl in the same time) if I my girl would ask me to do that… She had this serious look on her face but I flirted her saying that I would do anything if the girl was her... Well, I always flirt with her but she knows I am not being serious. And then, we changed the discussion topic.

I wanted so badly to tell her “Yes! I would make out with a guy!” but could not.
I think if it were just her and me talking (not in public and not with her roommate around) I would have told her that. This could have been the trigger for me telling her “you know what? I don’t think I am straight” and then talk to her about what I am going through and ask her for her opinion, advice, and help...
 If only we were alone...

However, I like to think that when the right time for this to happen comes, it will come. Especially that I am still NOT ready AT ALL to share this with anyone (beside my former teacher who I am hoping to meet soon and you guys.)
I can’t even tell her for sure what I really want, nor can I answer her question: “Are you gay or bi?” because  I have to figure out that for myself…  Only one thing I am sure of for now: I AM NOT STRAIGHT!
But deep down, I feel that I haven’t, myself, admitted it yet…  It’s like I am running away from my own shadow…  if you understand what I mean.
So I cannot come out to anyone before coming out to myself… right? And I am not sure if I will come out to myself any soon…. I have been thinking so much about that and I have done so much research and read a lot about sexuality, teenage hood, etc.  during my holidays. But now, since, I am back at school… my busy schedule and school work are taking all my time and am not having enough time to think about myself deeply or have “Me time” to think, reflect, decide, and act upon…
It’s like some part of me has to hibernate for now…

I only have this blog to share what I go through and your comments and emails to support and inspire me. I am so grateful to all of you, especially Joshua who has proven to me that I am not alone in this and that I have a great friend to share with him everything and anything. Thanks a lot Josh!
I know for sure that this blog will be there for me to be true to myself and to my followers and to express what I am going through (and all the confusion) with honesty…
Thank y’all!   
Confused yet Honest

Friday, January 15, 2010

Work the hell out of me

Good day Fellows!

(I had no Internet connection yesterday to blog, so here's a second post for today)

So today, I had to wake up early, get breakfast in 5 minutes and leave campus for some centre to write the TOEFL (Test Of English as a Foreign Language) It’s a stupid (=not that hard) test that some colleges require for non-native English speakers (like myself)
The test went OK but was too long (~ 3-4 hrs) and was all done on a PC… there were reading, listening and even speaking parts… but now it’s over and am not gonna think about it until the results are up.
I hope I get at least 100 over 120 becoz that’s what my schools (very competitive ones) require. Wish me luck (I will let you know what score I get as soon as I receive it)
I went back to campus, very exhausted! But had to join the last 15 minutes of class. It was Chemistry (my most disgusting/awful/distasteful course ever) My teacher thinks that I have nothing to do in life but study chemistry… he, himself, obviously has nothing do but Chemistry coz he left his wife and kids back in his home-country and is working at our school… he is also so lame and boring that I don’t think he’s got friends outside school. So his life=teaching chemistry + eating + sleeping.
I have to spend like 10 hours this weekend to work on my Chemistry Homework and presentation + read the material I have missed… God shall help me

And I also have to work on my other Mandarin Chinese essay and practice some characters…
Ok, I’ll stop reciting what is on my school agenda… it’s a hell of a lot and it is Boring!
My hall boys are all watching together two movies tonight (after check-in) to celebrate the end of the college application season. I don’t think I will join them. I am so tired, sleepy and overwhelmed with work. Plus, they’d probably apply some bad taste in movies lol
So I’ll be reading meanwhile and hopefully sleep early (i.e. mid night)

“YAYYYYYYYY it’s the weekend!!!”
The above sentence is something I haven’t shouted for soooooo long. Yup! At my schools the word weekend has a different meaning than the rest of the world. It is some time given to you by the school admin (as a privilege) and which should be used to work the hell out of yourself on your school projects and Homework.


(sorry for having such a boring post; I hope to compensate soon)

Best,
Sam

Dear Drama Queen… I am over you!

Hello!


Thank you very much for all the followers!! I love you guys!

Here is the first post for today

So I am settled back at school and teachers are back to their old tricks: Making us, students work like animals!
I will never forgive them for making my stay in this country the most horrible and annoying experience ever! I cannot wait to graduate. So I have something to look forward to, about 5-6 months left and I am off, for good! :- ) Can’t wait for the countdown!!

Anyway, so that “Drama Queen” (the girl friend who wanted us to stop being friends and the one I gave the gift to) and I haven’t been talking much, just saying “Hi, wassup?” when we bum into each other on campus. I really don’t feel like talking to her… I don’t have any hatred for her; just indifference. And I am so proud of myself for that!!! I can’t believe that I am finally over her!
So yesterday night, at 10:00 PM; she asks one of the guys in my dorms to call me. So I went to meet her and she asked me to go for a walk with her outside the school building (we have like separate buildings around a huge green quad so we walked around the quad)
I didn’t know what she wanted and thought she’ll be asking me why I am not talking to her but she did not. Another good thing! She knows that I am not always meant to be the one who calls the other.
She was going over and over about lending this Maths SAT book to some other girl who didn’t return it on time and how this pissed her off and then started telling me about her worries about doing badly on the test and not making into college… So I had to give her reassurance and advise her to cool down and strategise her study plan, blab la bla… And that was it : -)
Well, I don’t know what was that about… I guess she’s probably just applying what I told her… I told her I will be there for her (no matter what) and she’s making use of me to feel better (she wanted to speak with someone and had no one to talk to, so she said). I am cool with that. Whatever, it’s not that I care about her (specifically) as much as I used to but it makes me feel good to hear from someone and try to help.
Oh, another thing she said was that she’s making the teddy bear (the one I gave her) sleep next to her. I asked her to call it “Sammy” and told her stupid stuff like “He shall be there with u when I cannot be there geographically; tell him all u want n he shall lemme know; do with him all u’d wanna do with me… blab la” yeah.. So she asked me if Sammy is reporting back to me coz she’s been making good use of him =P I said “NO” u need to train him… LOL
And I went back to my room and forgot about her : )
In previous times, I would have waited to see what her skype would be because she’d sometimes put stuff related to me, But yesterday I did NOT! I am so proud of myself again!!! :D

I went early to bed that night (11:30 PM) coz I had TOEFL to write the second day…

Peace and Love (credits to Josh )
Sam

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Homosexuality in Africa… a must read!


Hello All!
Please find below some facts about how homosexuality is viewed in Africa.

Let’s start with some quotes by African Leaders and things they did:
  Mugabe (Zimbabwe)
       “sexual perverts”
       “lower than pigs and dogs”
       “we don’t believe they have rights at all”
  Museveni (Uganda)
       calling on the Ugandan police to arrest all homosexuals or anyone indulging in unnatural sexual practices
  Nujoma (Namibia)
       homosexuality was a “borrowed sub culture, alien to Africa and Africans”
  Lesbian women in South Africa are being raped by men who believe it will “cure” them of their sexual orientation, according to a shocking new report by ActionAid.
  ”Corrective” rape survivors interviewed by ActionAid for the report Hate Crimes: the rise of corrective rape in South Africa, said that verbal abuse from their attackers before and during the rape included them “teaching us a lesson” and “showing us how to be real women and what a real man tasted like.” The research was carried out in conjunction with ActionAid partners People Opposed to Women Abuse (POWA), Treatment Action Campaign (TAC) and the Lesbian and Gay Equality Project (LGEP).
  In 2007, the International Gay and Lesbian Association (IGLA) conducted a global survey on the legal status of homosexuality and found that 40 of Africa’s 53 countries had legislation that deemed homosexuality to be an illegal act. Overall, the IGLA cited anti-homosexual laws in 91 countries worldwide, with Africa therefore accounting for almost 50% of all homophobic legislation. A similar study conducted in 2009 found that no less than 80 countries around the world considered homosexuality illegal. In five of these - including Sudan, as well as parts of Nigeria and Somalia - homosexual acts were said to be punishable with death.


PS: I did not personally do this research but a very good friend of mine did; so credits go to him.

I don’t know if there is any way I can comment about this without having to get emotional and angry.
I simply hope that people, all over the globe, become more aware, understanding, respectful, and yes: civilised!

(I will be posting some other interesting research soon)

Stay Blessed,
Sam