Friday, December 3, 2010

pain in the heart...


I dunno what's wrong with me... There's so much sadness in my heart right now. I really need to get over David. Why is it so difficult? I've been listening to love songs like a silly boy all day long :(
and he's meant to be just my best friend! Why does it hurt so much? FML! I am a good catch; I'd be able to find someone to love me in due time, if I could wait long enough. It's his loss! Why am I not moving on? Ugh! Why is it soooo easy for him not to like me back the way I like him? Why is it so easy for him not to want me as badly as I want him? Why am I hurting? Why is it easy for him to tell me about how he wishes he could get it on with that guy I introduced him to? Why is he so hurtful? Why the pain? Why the heartbreak? Why am I so silly? Why can't I just move on?

Do I need a rebound guy?
I feel like being slutty and getting it on with random guys at a club or something... Ugh!

I have so much love to give... I am so desperate for romance right now!

PS: My roommate is gonna be away for the weekend so Imma have the room alone. I am thinking of going to some gay club and bringing some stranger(s) with me for the night(s)... I guess I just need to fool around in order to feel better or at least get myself to move on or something -_-

broken heart... burning tears,

Friday, November 26, 2010

my first college heart-break


and Happy Thanksgiving to y'all!
so... time for a juicy post!

First of all, I wanna let you know that I've kinda sorted out the issues with my roommate. I talked with my RA, the director of my dorms building and the college director of housing. Now they all know I am gay (ha ha ha) and support me. It's fantastic to pull out the emotions card and make myself sound vulnerable and in need. So at the end I decided to schedule a one-on-one with my roommate in order to talk through everything and let him know what exactly bothers me and how I want us to respect each other more. So he was very cooperative (yay!) and now he's gonna unbunk the beds while I am away for the Thanksgiving break and from now on, he will no longer share my personal life with anyone!

Going back to the juicy talk.. so I wanna tell you guys about this boy named David. He is like my bestest friend at university. We have a lot in common (same uni schedule - we have the same major, same general interests, same sexual orientation, similar childhood experiences, etc...) We hang out together all the time. We walk to/from class together, study together, go for meals together, watch movies together, etc... We are kinda inseparable. We have the same group of friends and everyone loves us and thinks we are the cutest thing ever. We are both closeted gays so people think there's just bromance between us. Anyway, we are attracted to each other and have fooled around at some points (not all the way though). However, David has many interpersonal issues including not being able to move on after his break-up with a boyfriend he once had. As his bestest friend, I've been there for him and helped him through a lot. We both see a counselor to talk about our life challenges and set up goals. I used to see  the counselor before David and when I realized how helpful he is, I recommended him to David. David had been making great progress since then. I have developed serious feelings for him but he seems that he has not developed his feelings for me as much. He does tell me that he's attracted to me and whatnot but it does not seem like he wants me as badly as I want him. According to what my counselor has told me and what David tells me too, he does not want me to be more than his bestest friend. He is afraid that us becoming boyfriends (and if things don't turn out that well) that we'd lose the amazing friendship we've been building. So I've been there for him as a great friend and he doesn't wanna let me evolve to something more... It really hurts, given that I am ready to do anything to make him my boyfriend... But there's really nothing I can do but accept his wish and so I am trying to move on. I wish I could meet someone that I would like (and like me back) soon enough which would help me move on faster... I really HAVE to move on coz I would never ever want to me with someone who wouldn't like me as much as I would like him or want me as badly. I know I am a good catch and if David doesn't want me to be more than his best friend, then it's his loss!

By the way I am in New York City for Thanksgiving break and I am there with David, in an apartment, sleeping on the same bed! Could life be any more hurtful?


Friday, November 19, 2010

Roommate issues


So since I haven't blogged in a while, I thought Imma be posting slowly by slowly about people that have been playing part in my college life and somehow affecting it - positively or negatively. Now Imma write about my roommate. So let's give him the name Mario. So Mario is gay (as I told ya before). He used to say he's bi at first but one time I sat him down and asked him if he would ever do a chick. He said "Hell no. Vaginas are disgusting!" So I made him admit he's gay and not bi. By the way he works at the college LGBTQ center and he's quite out and about.

When I traveled a few weeks back for that conference, he bunked the beds in our room without asking me first. That pissed me a lot. Now every time I mention the topic (i.e. finding a compromise or so) he says yeah yeah and changes the topic or leaves the room. I can no longer study on my bed coz of the little lighting it has and I keep hitting my head... (he took the top bed! Ugh!).

Anywayz, that's not the only thing he's done to piss me off, beside the fact that his friends come over to my room to pre-game almost every weekend and the fact that he once got soooo wasted and vomitted all over the room. 2 weeks ago, I found out from a good friend of mine (to whom I came out lately but told her to keep it a secret) that he's been outing to people without my permission. I GOT SOOOO ANGRY! So the story is that he's told his 3 close friends and also other people from my floor -- randomly. When I confronted him he did not show much caring and went like: "What's done now is done! There's nothing much you can do no, Sam! I'm  sorry... Get over it!" WHAT THE FUCK!!?!? He clearly cannot relate to my situation since we  come from different cultures and backgrounds and if being has been easy for him, it has been PAIN IN THE ASS for me (not the good type lol). All in all, he never really cared to find out more about my issues and why exactly I cannot be out. I really do not want my parents to find out because that's not something I plan on doing in this lifetime (facebook is dangerous + I have a cousin who goes to my same college). So I've talked with my RA (residential assistant) about this incident and she's lesbian by the way. She showed me her support and has communicated the issue with the other RA and the dorms' director (and they're both gay). We might end up having a mitigated discussion with my roommate and one of them (I cannot really talk with my roommate by himself because it hurts to talk with him and sense his careless attitude). Moreover, I am meeting with the dorms' director this afternoon -- he wanted to check on me and go through some possible solutions. Changing roommate might be one approach (because I can no longer trust my roommate and hence I do not feel very safe in my room).

Yesterday night, when I got back to my room, I found out that my roommate has left me cupcakes and a letter on my desk. In the letter he apologized again and talked about how it's been awkward between us lately. He said he hopes I can forgive him and that I do not lose trust in him. I texted him saying: it takes courage and enough caring to write that letter, which I really appreciate. There's so much going on my mind right now and I need time to think through things. Don't mind the awkwardness. Somehow, at the end of the day, everything would be alright. I really don't know how to feel about this whole issue and I don't know how to behave, react, etc....

That's it for now. I gotta run for class


Imma be back

Hello y'all

Have you missed me?
So I just thought of coming back to blog world because -- truth be told -- I need to blog from time to time as no matter how many friends and counselors I have out there, sometimes I just need to vent out stuff without having them commenting or even knowing about the stuff on my mind. I understand that I haven't blogged in ages, which means there's a lot to update you about but Imma be able to do that shortly and trust me... despite the tons of things which happened.. I'm still myself deep down and my journey of struggles is not gonna end any soon. There's a lot on my mind right now... some sadness yet some achievements... and many goals to work for.

I have a lot of exams before Thanksgiving break so I might not write much before then but please do stay tuned coz Sam is back! =)

Sunday, October 10, 2010


Hello everybody!

I missed you all - so much! FML I don't know how to put into words all that I feel. I would like to assure you all that I am doing great. College is treating me great. I already have my circle of close friends - we call ourselves a family. I have a few crushes, but I don't feel ready for anything serious at the moment - I am still kinda emotionally drained. I am not out nor in - I am just myself. I am sure my close friends suspect I am gay but no one asked me directly in the face yet (one actually did but that's when he was drunk so I said No) and I don't know how to react when they do. But I know they did talk behind my back once about whether I am gay or not lol and this didn't make me feel bad or anything. A girl friend asked my roomie if I am gay and he told her he doesn't know (coz that's what I asked him to say). They'll probably find out soon enough.

Besides, my classes are good. They're very demanding coz I am taking pre-med but I am hoping to develop the discipline of work ethics and not let shitload of work pile up. I've had two exams so far and I got 2 As (Human Bio + Chemistry). Besides, the campus is gorgeous! I love it, despite the fact that I have so much running around to do as I go from class to class. It's ok though... I'll have sexy legs and freshmen 15 hopefully won't affect me :)

My roommate and I get along well but he doesn't seem like the guy who would be there for me when I need a heart-to-heart convo. He used to say he's bisexual but we all know that he's plain gay. He's like very flamboyant and social but totally not my type (slightly fem, very skinny, baby looking, well he's good looking but not hot enough for me). He knows I am gay and we joke around and gossip but he doesn't show too much caring when I try to tell him deep stuff about me. But that's OK coz we're friendly with each other and all has been under control (except when he gets sooo drunk, which is not happening as often anymore).

I am getting in touch with my parents from time to time. They miss me so much... Surprisingly, I am not homesick at all :/ Yay! They say I don't talk to them enough but that's mainly coz of time difference and the very little time I ever get to spend online. I dunno... I've been cold with them ever since I started accepting myself and I don't know how to combat this.

I am wondering whether to come out fully... there are many factors that come to play when I think about it. I am seeing an LGBTQ counselor once a week to talk about my issues and I have joined a confidential gay discussion group that my counselor organizes - We meet once a week and talk about our lives.

I don't know what else to ramble about... You guys got any question?

Another reason for which I haven't posted in ages (beside how busy college is) is that I am thinking about not blogging anymore. It's been such a journey and I don't know how to thank you guys for all the support you've  provided me with. There are many reasons that have lead me to deciding not to blog anymore and I am happy to discuss them with you if you're interested. I feel like now I need to work on my in-person friendships and relationships. It's a new chapter in my life and I wanna try to build strong friendships that would last and bring me happiness. To blog or not to blog.... I am even thinking about starting a whole new blog if I get time... Bleh! I dunno what to do.


Monday, August 23, 2010

off to a new chapter


PS: Very quick post.
I am traveling tonight to the US... College here I come!
I have mixed feelings... excitement and anxiety. But I am sure everything will be alright. I am excited to meet all the new friends I've met online, especially my roommate who will be waiting for me there, already...

Please wish me all the best! May God bless my family and keep them safe. And may God enlighten my way there...

I hope I get to post soon enough despite how busy and hectic my first week(s) will be.

Love, always

Thursday, August 19, 2010

juicy updates!


OMG… so much has been happening. I NEED to update you guys! Sorry for not posting in a while. I was busy and kinda lazy… Imma make it up now with a LONG post, full of juicy updates.

Coming out to Mom n sisters?
So I didn't REALLY come out to Mom and sisters. They definitely thought I was joking coz they never mentioned it again. Well... they also kinda asked it in a joking way (when they did) which is probably why they didn't take me seriously when I said my "yes". I am sure they didn’t believe me coz they still talk to me about having a girlfrriend and getting married, etc. But oh well, I am not complaining coz I am not ready AT ALL to deal with coming out to my family at this stage of my life and I really rather leave it for when I am done with my studies and no longer need to live with them (although these are not the reasons why I don't wanna come out to them, I’m somehow financially independent by the way). I simply don't want to upset them coz if I confirm to them that I am gay then they would be sad forever... I know that they're suspicious about me and all but they're in huge denial and trying to ignore it. You know.. being gay to them is like a disease that is faaaar from reaching our family. So I won’t come out to them any soon! Thank God I live abroad… Less than a week of hiding is left!!

Family time
So in the past few days I got to bond with my family. We went on road trips here and there, went to restaurants, went to church, etc. I hope they liked it. I’m so blessed to have such a tight family and I feel so bad to be kinda cold and detached with them but I can’t help it. I also hate how not so religious I’ve become. I actually miss that spirituality I used to feel before I started accepting myself. I used to pray more and feel the divine presence around me…  I miss that feeling but at the same time I understand that it’s natural for young people to go through such questioning phases and become not-so-religious… I just hope I get that spirituality again soon! By the way I went out for dinner at this very fancy restaurant yesterday night, with Mom and sis. The food was great, at the candle light and I am sure Mom loved being with me and my sis for the night. Moreover, I’ve been partying a lot with my older sister and her friends are really cool. They all like me! Yay! I can see that there are some closeted gay guys in their circle of friends haha. It’s so funny to look them in the eyes and have thoughts in mind! ;)

Sandra and Mark
Sandra passed by my place last week with her gay friend Rudi. It was a surprise to me coz she didn’t tell me they’re coming so I was glad to see her. We talked and laughed. I was able to be myself with them and so it felt good. Apparently, Rudi was my classmate when I was in KG2 coz he saw our class photo in my room haha. Tiny world! By the way I am VERY angry at Sandra coz we haven’t hung out much together this summer. Before I came back she always used to tell me about how much fun we’re gonna have together and how we’ll get together very often and now I realize I’ve only seen her like twice and I’m about to leave soon! I won’t even ask to see her and say Bye if she doesn’t initiate!! :/
Gay Mark still chats to me now and then. We still haven’t met up and I don’t think we will… I don’t really care to.  He told me a few days ago while we were chatting that he knows I’m Bi although I’ve never come out to him. He also said he wouldn’t believe me if I said: NO! I didn’t deny it or anything… He’s got a good gaydar, I know! Haha

I still didn’t finish the book(s) I need to read before college and I’m moving there in less than a week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! I am so excited yet a bit anxious too. I hope I look decent on the moving in week coz looks do have quite an influence as we meet people for the first time. I am already friends with a number of freshmen over there (some of whom are gay) and so I hope our first encouter doesn’t feel awkward. We’ve been chatting for some time but we may not be able to ignore the awkwardness at first. FML. I started sorting out my packing today coz I have kinda finished all my necessary shopping and I have lotsa new and sexy clothes so I’m happy!! (Mom complained about how much clothes I have lol) There will be a lot of stuff to do as soon as I get to the states: open a bank account, buy a phone + number, buy a laptop, buy my uni books, shop for dorm stuff, sign up for courses and other activities, etc. I am not sure if I’ll get to blog then… but I’ll try my best. My roommate and I are gonna get along so well, I can feel it!! haha I am sure he's gay! :P

So lately I’ve been feeling quite happy about myself and my life. I really can’t compplain coz everything seems to be going well and I’m quite happy with what I’ve got. To make things even better!! I just heard that I got selected to travel for this global conference thing (I won’t mention its name) which is VERY highly reputated. So I’d get to meet world leaders from all walks of life and represent the youth of my country and region. I have lots of speaking roles to attend so they want me to go there for training a week before the forum starts (which is in 2 months). I hope my college professors give me permission to be absent from class for that long coz I don’t wanna miss that amazing opportunity.

So that's more or less what I've been up to... Please comment and let me know what you think... and give me advice!! Hope all is going well on your side!!


Sunday, August 8, 2010

I came out to my Mom and sisters


So how is everybody doing? 
You've actually read it right. I think I've come out to my Mom and sisters... Lemme tell you how that went:
So I spent yesterday at my aunt's place coz I was giving her son some Maths lessons since he's kinda weak in that. The rest of my family came over after lunch to chill. My mom was tired (she gets migraine) so she went to take a nap. Later, my sisters and I went to the room where Mom was sleeping to check on her.. so we sat on  the bed next to hers and we were all talking, gossiping and joking. Then my sister asked me why have I straightened my hair and styled it in an emo-look. She said it looks gay. So I said I just find it cool and sexy :P Then my sisters and Mom went on about how I seem a bit weird lately. So out of the blue I told them: "I'm thinking about giving belly dance lessons for my friends at college. haha" They all laughed and so I was like: "Put on some music so I show you how well I dance." My older sister (Christene) started looking for appropriate music on her phone and then Mom asked me: "Sam, are you gay?" My sisters stopped and stared... I didn't reply, so Christene added: "Are you gay or maybe Bi?". I smiled and said "Yes!" and went quiet a bit... Then I kinda changed the topic and they never mentioned it again. 

So... I didn't lie! right? Maybe they took it as a joke or something... coz like being gay is a disease in my family's book. It's this alien thing that is too far from reaching my family. And they reacted really cool about my "yes" and didn't ask me to elaborate or anything... so they probably didn't take me seriously. I don't know :/

That same day I went out in the evening with my sister's guy friend. He offered to take me out coz my sister was busy and couldn't go along. Plus he said he finds me cool so I was like Yay! lol He took me to this pub where he sings and offered me two double Vodka glasses. I just chilled by the bar, observed people and had time to think. I didn't sleep much at night when I got back coz I was thinking - plus it was too hot!! I went to bed at 3 and stayed awake until 6. I only fell asleep for like 3 hours coz I was awake by 9. Oh there's a guy I wanna talk to you about!! I think he's Bi and I'm going out to see him tonight. We're going for karaoke but I won't go gay or anything. I'll stay under the radar and enjoy the eye-candy lol So I'm going now for a shower and get ready. I'll ask him if there are Gaga or Adam Lambert songs and see how he reacts HAHA


Thursday, August 5, 2010

lemme update you!

Hello Fellas!

I haven't posted much lately coz I've been lazy... but I'll tel you in this post about major things that happened...
So last week I've been bonding not so badly with my family. I hope they're noticing this... My mom is no longer fussing about me being online as often. *wondering why* and I've been trying to be a good boy with them. Less than 3 weeks left for college! YAY!

On Sunday, I pulled out a Joe Jonas' look: white pants, V-neck purple T-shirt, Black vest-coat, white n black Vans shoes. And of course I had my accessories on... I did look quite gay but I really don't give a damn! I was around extended family all day long. We had lunch with my father's side of the family and later in the evening we went to my mom's side of the family for coffee and chat... This cousin of mine (call him E.K) made some annoying comment about Adam Lambert by randomly telling everybody that he's "pédé" (diminutive for pedophile) which is a term, quite commonly used in my country to refer to gay guys. I HATE it! So I was like... "He's not pédé! He's gay!" so EK was like: "Oh well... it doesn't matter... he's a fag!" I was quite angry... not necessarily coz I felt like he's demeaning me indirectly but rather coz I hate how narrow minded these people around me are. I want them out of my life!! Now I really dislike this cousin! He's 22 ffs and a university student. He really should be more open-minded... unless he's got something to hide or he is in denial.... eh? Let me not worry about him for now. He's so not worth my time and energy! So EK and other cousins of mine suggested we go altogether to the beach on Tuesday and I kinda didn't hear them talking about that... Later, my sis invited me to go with her bf to the beach, also on Tuesday so I decided to do that instead. My Mom and younger siblings went to the beach with my aunts and cousins on Tuesday, while I went with my sis and her bf. My cousins were all cross at me coz they were like: "We all took today off so we can get to chill with Sam, bla bla bla." But I am really glad I didn't go with them coz they always think that I don't have a life and such. Moreover, I know I wouldn't have had fun with them. They behave like such stupid alpha males and I just hate that in them. I really had a good time on the beach with my sis, her bf, and a guy friend of theirs. I sun-bathed and got a nice color. yay hot! We swam a little and then went back to our place after having stopped at some restaurant for food. The guy friends saw that I have shaved the upper parts  of my legs and wondered why so I told them it was just out of boredom :P which is kinda true. OMG! I have also shaved the hair around my tummy and now re-growth is killing me so freakin' much. It's so itchy and just plain annoying. My sister knew and asked me why on earth have I messed it up... she says there's no turning back and that now I've messed it up for good so I don't know how to deal with it. Any tips? I really dislike body hair on me... I wanna remain a twink!!

My sister (Christene) asked me 2 days ago about why haven't we chatted about my romance life abroad yet. She really wants me to tell her all about my adventures and such... so she's always like: "What's your girlfriend's name? Have you guys broken up? Why? How does she look?" etc etc. She also wants me to show her the video clip I prepared for my gf... she knew I did something like that coz she wants me to teach her how to prepare one for her bf... But the things is, she has NO IDEA that I actually don't have a gf... but an idk-bf! haha So should I come out to her? I guess not.... idk FML!!!

Yesterday night we had people over for dinner. Some extended family were there too. I had a good time and ate sooo much. OMG I love how skinny I am. I am not like anorexic skinny but I don't have belly fat and such. I eat so much yet I don't grow fat! How lucky!! I tried my sisters' jeans on me the other day and they all fitted me so well. Mind you, my sisters are also fit and have a nice body! So imagine!! If only I could get some chest and arms muscle (plus a few packs haha). That would really boost my self confidence. I am trying to do some push-ups now and then but Oh well... I'll never get the muscles I would like to see on me. My next boy (or rather boys) would better like me just how I am!

OOOOH! I forgot to mention that I got an email from college yesterday. It's about the welcoming week for freshmen and they wanted to take my permission to use my story (extracts from the personal statement I sent while applying) for this play they're preparing for all college students and faculty. It's meant to be a play that would reflect the diverse backgrounds of the student body and they believe my story is quite something. I'd tell you about it if you're interested...

That's kinda it for now. I've got some exciting news to tell you next time I blog! Stay tuned!

Lots of love,

Friday, July 30, 2010

my stalker :(


Let's ramble a little first:
So two days ago, I spent almost all day long helping my parents prepare some traditional provisions. It's too much manual work and I don't know why the fuck we do it... it's not like we're saving any money by doing so but oh well... Go organic! Go traditional! And I just bought a new book that I NEED to read prior to college. They also want us to write some paper about it. I am so lazy... but I HAVE to get it over and done with.

Yesterday was gay!
I spent yesterday with Mom, older sis (Christene) and her bf (Jack) in the city. My sis and her bf are having a small shop at some festival so we went to shop for some accessories they wanna sell. I made my sister get me a toe ring (I think it's super sexy! My Chinese teacher's hottie son wears one all the time) and some black nail polish (not that I'd wear them on... but just in case something triggers it in college). I didn't tell Mom about the nail polish. My sister wanna get me some black eye liner too! My uncle saw the ring on my toe and wondered why on earth I have it on... I got so embarrassed but didn't reply to him. My dad heard him though.. At night, I went with my sis, her bf and some friends to the cinema. We finally got to watch Eclipse. I liked it but think Newmoon was better. OMG! my idk-bf does some faces that are just like Edward's... I MISS HIM TERRIBLY!!! After Eclipse was over, we sneaked into the room next to us and watched the last part of 'Sex and the City 2". I think it is VERY hilarious!! While in the car, I discussed with my sis and her bf some gay guys they know. Jack also has a bisexual friend apparently, and he was also telling us about Chris (his gay cousin) who, by the way, is hair stylist and also belly dances at some clubs. He also dances in G-string thongs for Bachelorette parties. I am so impressed that there's a really nice gay life in my home country!! haha I was discussing with Jack how gays' attraction works so I told him: "let's say you're straight and I'm gay. If I know you're straight for sure, I would never hit on you or try to do anything with you... coz I know it's not like you can convert or anything!" I am being very much my spontaneous and flamboyant self around my sister's friends. Bad Sammy, Bad!

When I got back home, I went online to check my facebook and stuff. Here's what happened:
So yesterday night, Sandra (my Bi BFF) posted on my fcb wall that she wants to talk to me urgently... but I wasn't at home so I couldn't check my fcb and get in touch with her. So as soon as she posts that, she got phone calls from my other carrier number on her cellphone... and there was some perverted guy talking to her with my home language accent... She hung up but that guy kept calling her repetitively and at VERY late hours (it was past 2:00 am). She was worried because it was my phone number... so someone is stalking her... and that someone has hacked into my number. And this is not the first time this happens to me. My idk-bf used to tell me when I was still in my boarding school that he would sometimes try to call me but some weirdo replies to him, etc. I dunno what to do... :/

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Anal Sex

So here comes Sammy with his randomness again. I’ve been thinking to myself about gay sex life and I, for instance, am not the biggest fan of anal sex. To be honest with you guys, I’ve tried it before but it didn’t really work out well. So I kinda gave up on it by then. I did some research coz I was worried that I might be asexual or something… but it turned out that  it’s just a myth that all gay/bi guys enjoy anal sex. Reviews have actually shown that majority of gay guys say that anal is overrated and that what they enjoy the most is actually oral sex.

So please let me know whether you like/enjoy anal sex by answering my poll to the left. And if possible, please comment below about what you think in general…

Thanks a bunch!

Monday, July 26, 2010

I wanna be a Dad!

Good day y’all!

I am so random, I know!! But I am not gonna change so you better enjoy my randomness haha. I usually say that to all the new friends I make and they usually like me just the way I am. Anyway, so I was watching the Oprah show yesterday afternoon and it was about single fathers. (Have you seen it before? It’s a re-run) It was extremely touching and made me remember the times in my childhood when I used to tell myself that I cannot wait to be a father and have some dozen of children. I do enjoy taking care of others and like be in charge of their lives, education and activities, etc. However, ever since I started accepting my difference (not being straight), I’ve kinda stopped wanting to be a father one day, mainly because I kinda thought that kids need both a father AND a mother for their healthy development and growth. Oprah also ninterviewed two married gay guys who have adopted 3 kids and they seemed to be like the best parents one can ever have (as their kids said). They had this really ncie house and they are both quite successful (a famous writer and a famous painter – I can’t remember their names) . So this couple made me rethink about myself and how I wanna conduct my life in the future. For now I believe that I DO want to end up in one committed relationship (officially married or not, depending on the situation) with a partner I truly love and care about (mutually). And yes, I think I want us to have kids – of course not a dozen though. I REALLY hope I can achieve this!! *sigh*

Besides, I spent yesterday with the family and we’ve seen a couple of relatives here and there. My parents allowed me to drive for some decently long distance and so I was happy. One aunt made a random comment about my look and she asked me “Oh you still enjoy putting accessories and such?” coz I was wearing my usual necklaces, bracelets (pink and white) and 3 rings. She even asked me how come I didn’t get an earring yet. HAHA. I told her that I’d love to but my parents would kill me. A second degree cousin came over from Canada and she offered to meet up with me as I move to college in the states. She even invited me to visit them for Xmas. So Yay! I might see Canada soon! (:
My younger sister, Michelle (15 y.o) left for a scouts’ camp for a week. I’m gonna miss her coz she’s the one with whom I get along the most. We gossip and act silly together although she sometimes annoys me :P And I offer to do her photoshooting sessions now and then. I gave her a Lady Gaga look 2 days ago haha it was so funny!! I think Michelle is Bisexual coz she can be quite tomboyish at times and has some crazy crush over Rihanna. She does make offensive comments about lesbian girls sometimes but I think this is only due to the environment in which we live and how it shapes our homophobic mentality. I am trying lately to make her respect people for who they are and I kinda make comments now and then about how it’s OK to be gay, lesbian, or bi because it really is NOT a choice. I hope it’s working…

Random: My older sis got Eclipse on DVD but am finding it hard to watch it coz Edward reminds me so much of my idk-bf. (Yeah! He's THAT hot hehe)... Bleh FML

Random: As we were in the car yesterday, my younger brother James (11 y.o) took my wallet and started looking in it. He took out a condom from it and started asking me what is it? He was so loud!! I got so agitated and embarrassed so I grabbed it from him and hid it back in my wallet saying that it’s a wrap of stamps coz I usually keep them in my wallet as a collection. I was so worried that my parents would have seen it or something but thank God they didn’t pay too much attention. It was just a week ago that I’ve decided to keep a condom on me all the time (my idk-bf asked me to do so).

I hope you guys have enjoyed a fabulous weekend and I hope you have a pleasant week!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Decent gay life in my home country! :)


I’ve been very lazy lately. My mom still fusses about me staying up late at night online. She woke up two nights ago and saw me online at 3:00 am and she was VERY angry. She sweared that this coming month she will make our internet subscription limited – as in, capped per day!! And this is really VERY little. I hope she changes her mind coz otherwise I’d be skrewed very much!

I went yesterday night to the mall with my sis, her bf (Jack) and some other friends. We wanted to watch Eclipse but it was already started by the time we reached there so we decided to postpone it for some other time. Instead we sat in the food court and ate. It was quite interesting coz most friends are fun and funny. However I got irritated when my sis brought up the topic of Rihanna’s bisexuality (having seen Te amo’s music video – check it out by clicking here ). So yeah, my sis Christene thinks that being gay or bi is gross and she was offending Rihanna. But I didn’t let her go on with that and made it clear to her that she MUST respect people’s different sexual orientations. All of her friends agreed with me. Yay! Something VERY interesting happened on our way back home. Jack decided to pass by his cousin’s place to say Hi since we were in the vicinity. So we stopped and saw the cousin (Chris) sitting on the balcony with his mother, 2 sisters and a random dude in a pink T-shirt. Both Chris and that guy in pink made my gaydar spin. Chris came over and greeted us. He kissed Jack on his cheeck and they started talking. My gaydar spinned harder as I heard his voice. He was well fit, tanned and good looking – with some tatoo on his upper arm. My sister gave me a weird look and she started discussing with her othr girl friend (also with us in the car) whether Chris or that othr guy is cuter. I asked “Who’s that dude in pink?” My sister said “He’s Chris’ friend” and she got a smirk as she looked at her girl friend. I got intrigued and so I got the gut and asked: “Is he his friend… or his boyfriend?” So they giggled… and then I asked them to elaborate more on that. They told me that yeah, he’s gay and has a bf who always comes over to his place and ALSO sleeps over. 

I asked Jack if Chris’ mother knows that he’s gay; he told me “He’s not out to her but am sure she kinda knows… or at least suspects. But she is in denial.” I was so happy to have had this encounter. Gay guys are there and they’re doing gay stuff!!! Haha I am finding it interesting how Jack has both a gay cousin and a gay brother. Hmm… As we left, my sister started making silly comments about what a shame it is that such a good looking guy is gay so I opposed her and told her that she’s got a bad mentality. Jack joined me to kinda support what I said and told her that she should be more respectful and understanding. Nah! I won’t come out to him. What’s the need, anyway?

I was chatting with Mark today and he told me that he’s going for a date tonight with a gay guy he met on some gay dating site, a month back. He showed me a photo of the dude. He’s this hairy and buff 28 year old.  (Mark is only 17 by the way). I am worried about Mark but I just IM-ed with him and he said the’ve met at Starbucks and so far everything is alright. I still need to meet up in person with this Mark. So yeah… as Wayne told me; my country aint THAT bad afterall. 

I loafed at home the whole day today and did absolutely nothing productive or fun. My mom has a terrible migraine and I’m trying to service her: ice on her head, some massage now and then. She’s in excructiating pain :/ She doesn’t deserve this!! Any tips, please?

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

They wanna hook me up with Jennifer

Good day!

I went again to the beach today. It was just me with Mom and my two younger siblings. We didn't really swim coz it was not comfy. We just went to this free beach, not a proper resort. Hence, snobby me didn't feel at ease. I just laid around, read a little and tanned. I am kinda sunburnt now. My chest is sooo red and so are my cheeks and nose. I think it's kinda hot :P My butt is whitey! It's cute hehe.

While there, my younger sister Michelle (15 y.o) and Mom started to talk to me about Jennifer. She's this 18 year old girl who used to go to my former school. She's really good looking, smart and sweet. I would like her if I do girls. Jennifer's mother is friends with my family and she likes me a lot. Well, Mom told me that she always mentions me and talks about my achievements and such. So Michelle and Mom said they want me to hook up with Jennifer coz she seems like a good girlfriend to have and future wife. FML. My sis (Michelle) is going tomorrow to the cinema with Jennifer and her sister. They wanna watch Eclipse. Mom and sis said I should go along so that I can meet up with Jennifer and start up with the 'hook up' process haha FML. I really wanna watch Eclipse but then I can go for it with my older sis (Christene) and her bf, instead. I don't wanna meet up Jennifer coz I'd be shy lol. I guess Mom just wants to make sure I've got strings attached with some girl from my home country. By the way, I don't think it would be hard for me to get Jennifer. She did show interest in me once and well.. I am such a great man to get (in the opinions of the people around me here). They all think I'm an over-achiever, very polite and intellectual, and such a perfect man and prince charming haha

Tonight, my older sis wanted me to go out with her and her bf to this friend's birthday party but I didn't go coz I wouldn't really enjoy myself. It's being held at this fancy restaurant so there wouldn't be dancing and naughtiness lol. They'd just sit around, eat something, have drinks and taaaaaaalk. Quite lame! Not gay enough for my liking *wink*


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Beach, bitch!


I went to the beach today with my parents and my younger brother. Our neighbors also went with us. Oh I gotta tell you a bit about them. So they are these semi French people and they've been married for like 15 years but have no children. They are very close to my family coz we kinda make them feel part of our family and we know how to add meaning to their boring life (I really am NOT exaggerating this now). I think the guy is gay though :P Well.. maybe that's why he couldn't impregnate his wife. Excuse my dark humor but am saying this coz he kinda likes my uncle a bit too much!! Anyway, so they treat me and my siblings like their kids sometimes. They're kinda wealthy but do not spend much on us... well they do a bit but not as much as I would have hoped :P I might be mentioning them again in future posts so that's why I'm giving you guys a bit of background lol

Anyway, so our neighbors left early and I stayed with my family members (minus my sisters) and we kinda bonded well. It was sweet. I hope my parents were really as happy as they looked. I realized today that I have kinda changed a lot indeed. For instance, I really talk VERY little. I also do not talk much with my family... It's weird and I can't help it. I guess maybe it's better for me to remain silent coz it's being hard for me to hide my gayness when I speak... I don't know how to explain this. Bleh! FML Silence is best sometimes, eh? Mom kept asking me about whether I has a gf today and I told her I have none. She was like: "I can't believe you could survive without being affectionate..." lol Oh and we've discussed whether I could get my nose job. She said not this summer coz my break is short and I need more than just a month to recover and all. She promised that she'll allow me to get the plastic surgery next summer break coz then I might be at home for 2-3 months which should be enough. I'll be paying for the surgery from my own savings. I really don't think my nose is THAT ugly. I really think I am hot the way I look right now but am such  a perfectionist. Oh well... But I really  wanted to get the nose job before college so that the new people Imma meet know me with that look from the start. What ya think?
Oh, I've got a nice tan today. It's very slight but I like it; Imma go to the beach again tomorrow so then my tan would be just perfect!

I really love checking guys out as they go out of the swimming pool or rise up in the water as they get closer  and closer to the sea shore. Their "ding dong" is often semi-awake (hehe) with the swimming suit sticking on their bodies *sigh* I enjoy imagining how they'd look if... [you know what I mean] haha
OMG I am such a perv, eh? (blush) but I was a good boy today (just coz the beach resort we went to didn't have saunas or Turkish steam rooms haha)

Random: I was thinking today that I think I'm into older guys lol Well... I really do not mind having an affair with guys aged between 25-35 if they're hot! I would really prefer having a boyfriend who's in the same age group as me but I DO think that older guys can arouse me well well! Anything wrong with that?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

juicy gossip


I haven't been up to much lately so I just decided to gossip with you about a few people and stuff in my life.

My college roommate:
So I finally have one. I told him in one facebook message "I am exploring my sexuality and believe that I am Bi"  (coz my idk-bf told me saying this would be best) and I asked him  if he's got any problem with it. So  my roomie was like: "No I don't have any problem. I am exploring too. haha" So I assume he's also rainbowish although his fcb profile says he's interested in women. But he's quite spontaneous... I mean he's such a socialite and uses lots of emoticons in his chats and messages, etc. He's got this boyish look and is into anything arts-related. He sings, acts, etc. 

Jack's bro:
I forgot to mention in earlier posts that my sister's boyfriend (Jack) has a 17 year old brother who's gay. I have never met him in person but whenever I ask about him, they (my sister, her bf, Mom, etc.) always tell me that he is kinda sick and not worthy of me meeting up with him. I ask why and they're like... he's gay. By gay they mean he's fem, shy and has complexities. Yeah, these are the stereotypes they have around here. It is very sad :(

It seems like there's lotsa preparation to be done for college. And there are loads of stuff I have no idea what they are... I am friends with many fellows on facebook and sometimes they just speak of stuff and I am like: what the heck? hehe FML!! Oh and there's this book I need to read this summer before college starts and I also have a paper to write about it. I ordered the book at the library yesterday and it should come in a few days. Bleh.. I am so lazy! I am so worried about what to pack coz my clothes literally cannot fit in just two suitcases. And I need to buy a laptop and a cell phone as soon as I get to the states. What should I get?

All is ok.. no big drama for now but the usual fuss Mom has about me being online almost all the time, when we actually are at home. I keep telling Mom that I no longer wanna get married and have my own kids. She's surprised coz when I was younger I used to say I can't wait to have my own family and get 12 children :P. I also told her yesterday that I don't want to ever be back home for good coz I just don't like it in here. She got sad and was like: "What's me and your dad's fault? We also want you to be around us..." I did not know what to answer.. I just told her that I have my heart torn into many pieces atm and they will always be in my heart...

Thanks for reading! Enjoy your week!

Sunday, July 18, 2010


Happy Sunday!

So I spent almost all day long yesterday chatting to Mark on msn.
A bit of background: He is this 17 year old gay guy who added me on facebook. He's friends with my bi BFF Sandra. I am not out to him.

So we chatted about a lot of stuff and he kinda likes how supportive and gay-friendly I am. I told him "I am straight so far" as you may already know. He told me a lot of stuff about gay life in my home country. He also mentioned to me that he's been 'fucked' 5 times and he says that he's 'bottom only' and doesn't like being sucked... bla bla bla. He even sent me dick photos of 2 guys he's online friends with. One he says is strange looking, while the other is the longest one he's even seen for real lol. I didn't really get why on earth he sent me those photos lol but Oh well... I couldn't complain. He also asked me whether I am virgin or not but all my answers to him were vague... so I told him "I am kinda virgin, depending on what you define as sex". He is a really sweet man and I feel so bad for all the crap he's been through. He told me about this time he met a so-called gay guy online and they scheduled a time and place to meet up but when he showed up at that guy's place, 2 men went to beat the hell out of him and stole 60 USD from his wallet. He had to lie about the incident to his family. He's not out to his family (they'd disown him) but he's out to most of his close friends. He plans on moving to the UK after high school to pursue his university studies and he is kinda like me when it comes to hating on the people in my country for being superficial, stupidly conservative and homophobe. I told Mark that he can confide in me and I can try to be there for him if he ever needs to get things off his chest. We said we'll try to meet up in person soon (maybe next week) so our discussions would become a bit more personal. I clearly don't want to fool around with him or anything... I just feel like we should be cool friend if time permits. He's not my type anyway lol. But you know, sometimes I feel like I'm kinda sent by some divine power to be the angel of some people in this life... I think I am meant to support Mark and make him feel good about himself. So I'll try to do that as much as possible. Despite the fact that I'm moving abroad soon, I will try - in the time being - to chat with him and support him.

Besides, I am chilling enough with my family these past 2 days. My parents are super sweet and love me so much. I'm trying to be their sweet loving kid as much as possible. I woke up today and told myself that I am very lucky to be the person I am and at church this morning I thanked God for all the great deeds I've been offered... I am OK with hiding a "part" of who I am for now... Being Gay/Bi/Whatever is NOT really the only thing that defines me. Hallelujah for positivity! Hope life treats y'all well!

Lots of Love!

Friday, July 16, 2010

I want a girlfriend

So yeah:
These days I am always going out with my older sis and her friends... and most of them are hooked up. I walk around and I am like the only single guy around which aint cool. I feel lonely although all people like me and I can flirt quite well with the girls, making their boys jealous haha... Oh, my sister's BFF told me yesterday that she loves the way I dance. Yay! xD She also told this other girl we met about how humorous I am.

Random: Mom asked me today to show her the photos from my last trip. So amongst the photos she saw some photos of me posing with my idk-bf. She told me he's handsome... yet all she knows about him is that he's my host brother haha

Besides, this guy called Mark has added me on facebook since I just got back home. He's friends with my Bi BFF Sandra and he is GAY!!! He said he's seen photos of me on facebook and thought I am cute which is why he added me. He's 17 and  plans on moving to London after high school. We chatted a bit now and then on msn. He asked me if I am gay but I told him 'No, I am straight so far' and made him laugh. I didn't come out to him coz I do not plan to be out in my country. He lives like 5 minutes drive, away from my summer house. We shared phone numbers today and he invited me to go clubbing down town with him tonight in a gay club (the only cool gay club in my country lol). But I told him I can't go... Well, firstly because I gotta take a cab back and forth (which I don't really enjoy - I am snobbish, you know) and secondly coz I kinda need to meet him in person first... before actually clubbing with him. I hope he aint pissed at me lol. Imma try to plan on us meeting up soon... Should I come out to him or not?

I am going to my grannies now with my family and all... A boring night that could have been substituted with partying at a gay bar... Oh well... Sammy gotta be sweet, nice and kind with his family! lol
Yay for bonding with the family! FML hahaha

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Encounter with a fuck buddy


I'm gonna ramble a bit then tell you about my encounter... If you wanna just read that, then scroll down and read what's in red. Yesterday I went shopping with Mom and my younger Bro (11 y.o) from 9 am to 9 pm. I got cute stuff; a pinkish red pair of shorts, new Vans shoes - black n white (skeletons' theme) and also brought all my winter clothes from our winter house. I need to sort out the stuff I need to pack for college. Mom was cool although she asks me from time to time to be more manly... ffs.. she must get that I am gay lol. Look... it's not like I'm very fem but am definitely not the typical macho she would expect to have in my country... whatever... I aint gonna change nor pretend to be who I am not  (the way I used to do before).

Today I went out since morning with my older sis (Christene) and her bf (Jack).  We went up to this catholic monastery for prayers and stuff... Some more friends met us there too. In the afternoon we went to the this resort where we swam a little and enjoyed the jacuzzi. It was calm and my sis kept being affectionate with her bf. I AM SO DAMN PURPLE!! (sexually frustrated)

So here's the exciting part:
As we finished and went to shower... I decided to check out the Turkish Bath room (extremely steamy room similar to sauna). So I went there and then 2 separate guys came in. They both made my gaydar spin. We talked here and then and it was kinda cool. It was so damn hot but I wanted to stay, hoping some gay stuff might take place. Later... the hunk one left and I stayed with the twink. The twink went out for a cold shower and got back, and asked me if I'd go with him so I did. We started talking even more... but he did not give me much ''wanna have gay fun'' hints so I gave up and left. I went to the showers and when I got back to the main hall where guys change clothes I saw the hunk around and he kept checking me out. He told me he has a back-ache and wanna go back to the Turkish Bath room which was directly in front of the changing hall where I was sitting. I was still in my towel by then and so I was eye-ing him as he strolled in front of me. He passed in front of me, looked me in the eyes then entered the glass door to go inside the Turkish bath room. He knew I was looking at him, so he took off his swimming shorts (behind the glass door) and went in... I wondered whether this was an invitation for me to follow him (when we were all three together there, we were all in our shorts - not naked). I believed that he had given me a lot of hints that he's gay and wants me... so I got my gut and followed him to the Turkish bath room. I was soooooooooo shy and my legs were trembling lol So I tried to open the door but it was locked. He saw me from inside and unlocked the door. I put my head in and asked him.. Oh you've lowered the temperature. He was like.. yeah! He was alone, laying all naked with his swimming shorts thrown around his belly... I couldn't really see his cock but stillhe was damn HAWT!!  I tried to converse with him a little and asked him random stuff but I was too shy to go in or do anything so I left. He was looking at me lustfully but I just did not know how to react. OMG! He was sooooooooo hot! I really wanted to give him a nice blow job that would take him to paradise... But I controlled my horniness and went back to finish changing and getting into my clothes. A minute later, he went out strolled by me and took a cold shower in front of me. We kept looking at each other: him in the open showers room and me on my changing chair. Then he came close to me, wanting to go back to the steamy Turkish room. Then I stopped him for a convo. Here's what we said:

Me: So How's your back ache?
Hunk: Still there... meh! I so wish it would go away!!
Me: hmm.. the steam aint helping, eh? Maybe you need some massage..
Hunk: True, hey! But the spa is closed.
Me: hmm... maybe you can ask a friend of yours to massage you?
Hunk: Nah.. not anyone can give a good massage.
Me: True.. A bad masseur might make you worse.
Hunk: Can you massage me?
Me: I aint that good...
Hunk: aww...

And then he looked at me for a few seconds but I didn't say a word. What should I have done? I was shy (yet very horny lol)!! He gave me a final glance and went back inside the steam. I felt so dumb for being shy and suppressing myself. I am really sexually frustrated and such an opportunity doesn't come twice(well at least not in my environment) . But bleh FML I didn't wanna be promiscuous... plus maybe he aint gay... and I just got bad signals? What ya think?

Thanks for reading!
Horny yet Shy Sam

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Thank y'all for your support and welcome to all my new followers!! You guys rock and make my blogging worthwhile...

I had an OK day today... kinda boring but am cool with it coz I had lots of fun stocked when I was with my idk-bf (nostalgia....) and I'm hopefully up to great things at college - so soon. Mom easily gets over her moodiness... and so today I helped her cook some sweet stuff and tidied my room which made her kinda satisfied with me. She still fusses about how much time I spend online... bleh. I'll find time for my family sooner or later. I still have around 40 days left with them.

We visited some relatives today and gossiped - which is my family's specialty lol
Bleh.. what else? nothing much...

I just asked my Mom if there's a way I can fix something about my eyebrows and she was like: "Sam, get more manly, please... and stop all those things you've been doing lately!" (She means being a bit fem)

Take Care good people!

angry... sad... and kinda crying

so... yeah... I got very angry and still am. Now I aint as angry but am sad... and I can cry if I let my tears go... but it would hurt so Imma suppress them... bleh.. don't mind my English for now; Im blogging coz I need to get things off my chest. Im in bed and about to sleep... chatting to my idk-bf who lives oceans away from me :(

So Mom keeps fussing about me being online all the time - I am bored that's why I do so... and using the internet is what I enjoy the most. She keeps treating me like a baby! and I hate that!! I know I've been away for 2 years and she probably feels Imma be gone for good coz next time I'm back I'm really an adult but still... she's the mother... so she should be the more understanding one!!

So she asked me to go lay next to her... while I'm still online... but I didn't reply. I went to the  bathroom and kept my laptop on my bed. When I got back, I found out that she has shut it down. I got really angry... She told me come lay next to me (we still do that in my family... so we talk and such... yeah Mommy's boy!). So I replied: "I'd do that only after you start treating me like a grown-up!"
I am really hating how my parents still treat me like a baby! I am 19 ffs!!! And today I had another argument with Dad... I went to some admin with him and I was wearing sandals.. he hated on me.. and I always have to beg him to let me drive. I got my license last year and I cannot drive well yet coz of lack of practice...

For some weird reason, this small argument with Mom made me remember what a terrible life I've had a few years back - no close friends, boredom and constant humiliation. It was then that I should have started blogging... These memories are what made me so sad right now... Imma try to post about those bad old days soon... so you guys would get to know me better.

OMG! I am hating those feelings so much!! :( I really DO love my family and all but I don't know why I am unconsciously detaching myself from them this way. A coping mechanism?? (my idk-bf says so)... I don't wanna hurt them... but they really anger me fast these days!! I don't wanna start with those feelings of disliking being at home and around my family! :(

PS: I know I am not being nice or fair with my family - especially my parents... but I just can't help it. I know Imma be regretting being this way... Mom is probably hurt right now :(

Sunday, July 11, 2010

MOM! Do you know I am gay?


Yesterday's beach party was shit FUN! I really enjoyed myself; drank, danced, checked out the hotties!
PS: I think two sexy girls dirty dancing with each other are so fuckin' HOT!!!
I did see 2 guys checking me out here and there (which was sooo good for my ego haha). I was wearing skinny blue jeans, a light blue checkered shirt (short sleeves) which I unbuttoned to show my white under-vest beneath. And of course I had my silver accessories complimenting my outfit... If someone had brains over there, he must have noticed I'm gay... but apparently no one dared to cum for me... I meant come* for me.
PS: I had dreams about 2 guys from the party who got physical with me... One of them invited me to his hotel room lol It was a sweet dream.. I am still very purple though :(    (if you know what I mean)

Random # 1: I went to see my GP again yesterday afternoon coz I've been sick for more than 2 weeks despite all the medicine I've taken. He gave me new antibiotics and some cough mixture then said if I don't feel better by today, I gotta get a blood test on Monday. O.Oh... I've lately smoked pot... would it show in my blood test? FML

Random # 2: Mom discovered yesterday that I shave my arm pits haha. She was surprised and asked me: "Oh Sammy... so you prefer non-hairy guys?" I wondered what she meant by that... did she hint at me liking boys or what? haha. I didn't really answer. I do prefer non-hairy guys but I just made her understand that I think saving is kinda hygienic... (in my opinion). At night, as I was getting ready for the party, I asked her to take photos of me in my fresh outfit... so I started posing (in a gay-way, as she described it)... so she asked me to stop making those seducing faces but I kept going on... so she laughed and continued taking the photos.
MOM!!!! Do you know that I am gay???

I'm chilling with the family today - some road trip then lunch...

Have a lovely Sunday y'all!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

FAIL haha

PS: I know the new look sucks and is Yuk! will fix it with time ;)


I'm so bored... yet Mom keeps nagging when she sees me online for so long... and she takes the laptop away from me at nights.. so I don't stay up late. FML. I am not a baby ffs...

Anywayz... so I did end up going out with my older sis (Christene) and her friends yesterday night. We went to this resto-pub and we were alone there.. kinda exclusive haha. It was not so bad. I wore purple coz I am very sexually frustrated right now... My sis and her bf kept making out and dirty dancing... I would have ripped both of them hahahaha

Tonight is the beach party my sis has been organizing for her boyfriends' birthday. There will be like 40-50 people invited to that fancy resort and we should be partying hard. I know very few of the invitees. They're all my sis and her bf's friends. Reminder: I have NO friends in my home country... FML. I kinda got used to this though... I don't like being in my country anyway... so it's OK.

I just tried to pimp my blog layout but I don't like the outcome. I think I will keep fixing it as time comes by. I tried to update it a little so to reflect how I've become:

  • Construction background coz I am still exploring myself.. 
  • Title: Confused with a question mark coz I don't think I have the right to call myself confused anymore. I know for a fact that I like BOYS!! haha (who doesn't, eh? :P)
  • The quote by Winston Churchill  kinda reflects my ambitious attitude and how I'd like to conduct my life...

Friday, July 9, 2010

sorry... I am straight!


I am doing OK... all is under control (kinda). I went over to Sandra's place yesterday and stayed there for 5 hours. We simply spent the time chatting and catching up. She came out to me as Bi, online, a few months back and she's been suspecting I'm gay ever since. So yesterday I had to have a serious talk with her. I told her I am Bi... and that I've been exploring my sexuality for some time. I also told her about my previous idk-bf and she thinks he's handsome (I showed her a few pics of him). Besides, I asked her not to share what I told her with ANYONE! (not even her gay friends). So she promised to keep my secret for eternity. Now my summer is gonna be really boring - no meeting up with more gay friends, no partying in gay clubs and no exciting adventures. Moreover, I will always have to hide my true self and make sure I live under the radar. Many gay friends of Sandra have been adding me on facebook lately and chatting me up. One guy started hitting on me!! But I was like: "Sorry, I am straight". So I told Sandra that she should tell them all that I am straight but am very gay-friendly coz I have many rainbow friends abroad... I am hating the feeling of denying who I am...

Bleh... Helloooooooow Boredom haha! I think it's kinda OK... coz in life we gotta make sacrifices some times... for the better of all. I don't wanna let any rumors of my gayness spreading around. My parents would get a heart attack. By the way I am hating on my country sooooooooo much! I'll ramble more about that later.. But I really don't wanna live in here anymore. I can't wait to move out again. :(

tomorrow night is the birthday party of my sister's bf... it gotta be so much fun, I hope. Beach party, babeh! haha. My sis is going to his place tonight and asked me to come along but I won't go coz I'm not in a good mood. I'll have to go now and fix some gifts for her. She asked me to paint on two T-Shirts "I love my bf" and "I love my gf" for them to wear tomorrow...


Thursday, July 8, 2010

previous nights... not so bad!

So the past nights I've been having a good time back home :)
(surprising, eh?)

Tuesday night:
I went to a small party at my cousin's place. It was held coz he just passed the official exams. So all my cousins were there. It was kinda lame at first then my one male cousin (19 y.o) started belly dancing and inviting us to join him lol We even did the Waka Waka song and I was the one leading the song LOL (just coz I know the lyrics well)... OMW! My cousin has become a hottie! They made a few gay jokes but it was OK.

Wednesday night:
My sister's bf fetched me from home and then we took my sis from work and met up with some other friends at 2 guy friends' apartment. We watched the FIFA match at first, had some vodka and ordered food. YAY!! I am soooo happy that Spain won!! (just coz I dislike the German team lol). I was originally fan of Brazil. After the match was over.... we decided to play "truth or dare". It became quite naughty with time. Guys started taking their shirts off... lap dancing (I did that), French kissing....dirty dancing while taking clothes off. OMG OMG!!! 2 of the guys were such hotties!!! especially after they took their shirts and pants off. haha I was amazed at how liberal young people back home could get. But still... they're very homophobic! One of the guy suggested the dares should start becoming gay-style... so I was like Yay!! xD but then they just asked one guy to smack-kiss my sis' bf... and I got nothing out of it!!!! :( poor me hehe... But overall the night was fun! I totally love my sis' bf (friendship love). He's really caring... and always pays on my behalf hehe...


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

what am I up to? and my Bi BFF


How are we all doing? I am so missing reading fellow bloggers but FML Mom keeps nagging every time she seems me online... aaah! I've been living on my own, sleeping whenever I feel like and doing whatever... for 2 years and now she wanna treat me like a baby!! bleh!

Anyhow I went to my GP yesterday coz I have some immunization forms to fill out for college. I also had some 3 vaccines to take but he could only give me one of them coz I'm sick - got the flu and just started antibiotics FML. My BFF in here (Sandra) invited me to the beach with her yesterday but I didn't go. I am really embarrassed with my body coz I'm kinda skinny and all guys my age have some muscles while I don't... and My sister invited me to go with her and her bf to the beach today but I also didn't go coz I'm sick and I cannot get into the water coz of my vaccination. I wish I could work out... I will do that in college if I get to develop that discipline. I NEED to be fit!

Besides lemme share with you a bit of background about Sandra. She's my BFF back home; the only high school friend I've really kept in touch with after moving abroad. She came out to me as Bi 2 months ago - on msn - and our friendship has grown much stronger ever since. I haven't REALLY come out to her yet but she clearly knows about me... Rainbow people attract each other, right? So I really wanna come to her but am scared coz I don't want my parents or extended family to know anything... I am not ready to deal with this. She made me meet up with two gay guy friends of hers last Saturday and we went altogether to this cafe to chill a little. She kept referring to all of us as G-people. I don't wanna come out as gay coz of many reasons I cannot really explain. Bleh! But I need people to confide in and support me while I'm here... Is it not much better to keep my home country gay-free from me? I have to meet up with Sandra for LONG convos and then I should share with her my worries and concerns... and then ask her to keep my sexual identity as TOP secret! Remember: My dad is the mayor of my home-town and so he would get a heart attack if rumors about his son being gay spread out... As many of you have advised me; I gotta keep a low profile in my home-country until I move out again. I am so excited to go to the US but am hating this feeling coz I feel like I can't wait to leave my family again... I am unfair to them! They love me so much and will miss me like hell...

Thanks for reading!


Monday, July 5, 2010

My Mom is gaying me up?

Yes, I do mean what I said in the title! Yesterday morning, my Mom and two sisters asked me to go to the living room and started giving me lots and lots of gifts they have been shopping for me during my absence. All gifts were clothes and accessories. I really loved every single thing they got me. What’s so weird about those gifts is that they’re all so stylish – in a gay way!
They got me new boxer briefs which are extremely colorful. Check:

They also got me bracelets, necklaces and rings (one of them is a spinning one – gay right?)

And lots of V-neck T-Shirts – VERY colorful!!! 

And a super smexy pink T-shirt…

They also got me a flashy belt, 2 pairs of slim-fit jeans (one black, the other gray), and more T-shirts and shirts (no photos, sorry)
But...What the hell, Mom? Don’t you realize how gay those stuff are?  lol
I totally love them!  Haha… Mommy is very interesting… hehe (I aint complaining lol)
Imma be so stylish at college!! Yay! xD

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I LOVE my sister and her boyfriend

My older sister Christene (20 y.o) is THE best and her boyfriend Jack is also very sweet and kind. When I just traveled back home and entered my room I found gifts from them on my bed. My sis got me the latest Hugo Boss perfume box and her bf got me a nice pinky red shirt which I really liked. Jack also called me first day of my come back and invited me out yesterday with my sis and some friends of theirs. We went to this restaurant by the beach. We were literally sitting ON the sand with the waves caressing the rocks next to our table. I really loved the atmosphere although the food wasn’t that good lol. Jack was pissed coz of the bad service and crappy food – he’s pissed coz he really looks up to me and wanted to take me out to a really fancy place so he kept apologizing on our way back. Tonight my sister came back home with food take away from Burger King lol Jack bought it for me…  hehe xD

I also went yesterday morning with my sis shopping for gifts for Jack coz she’s preparing a Birthday surprise party for him next week – it’s gonna be super duper! We requested a special Bday cake and also got them pink n blue t-shirts on which my sis wants me to paint funny stuff for them (will tell u about that later). I am invited for the party – it’s gonna take place at this fancy resort and its gonna be a beach party, babeh! I am so excited lmao FML

GUYS!! Stay tuned coz tomorrow I’ll be posting photos of gifts I just got!! Some parts of my body might show in them too! ;) hehe