Sunday, April 7, 2013

A letter to my boyfriend

I just wrote this letter now because I am really pissed at him. I am not sure if you will be able to make any sense of it, so if you have a ny question(s), just comment below. Thanks for reading! I obviously won't be sending it to him... so

You’re starting to take me for granted again. I am not secure in your pocket. My love for you is not unconditional. I have demands and needs that you need to fulfill. So many things annoy me that you do, but I ignore them for the sake of our love. But sometimes, it just gets too much. I am still not over the fact that you don’t want me to live with you for a short period this summer. After dating for two years, it’s shocking that you still cannot tolerate living with me, or should I say, hosting me for a brief period over the summer break (less than two months!). Also, we are not technically moving in together since 1) it’s a short period, 2) I will move out when it’s time for me to live in my future house, 3) I would help you pay your rent while you’re unemployed. Every person who hears that I am looking for a place to live in the summer laughs at me and questions our relationship. Some have even told me I need to start looking for a new boyfriend. It hurts. It hurts because I still cannot believe that I am not welcome to live with you over the summer. It really raises red flags for me. Also, I don’t feel like you’re in love with me. You love me, for sure. But you’re not in love with me. I deserve someone who wants to spend as much time with me as possible. Someone who doesn’t get bored of me. Someone who doesn’t try to avoid me. Someone who doesn’t sleep with me in bed as if I am a sibling or a platonic friend. Someone who doesn’t feel like kicking me out of his place every time I “get on his nerves.” I am not happy. I am not saying it’s your fault. And I am not saying it’s my fault either. Don’t try to make me feel bad because you think I’m trying to make you feel guilty on purpose. You are my boyfriend of two years. You can do better.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I'm back. Please read.

Yes, I'm back. I just need to get something off my mind real quick. 

It was your birthday yesterday. Although we agreed that I am not getting you any gift (because I splurged and got you an iPad mini for Christmas), I still went out of my way to make you feel special. I took you out to lunch and then walked with you to get cupcakes and spent the night over although it’s a school night for both of us. But in the morning, I decided to check your phone as it has become a habit of mine lately (security ad trust issues of mine). I knew there must have been some texting thread with your ex. And woah was I right! You miss him? You wanted to come over to his place? You tried several times to call him, but then stopped yourself? You wanted to cuddle? If I remember correctly, that was around the same time (early morning of Sunday January 27th) you left me a voice mail that night, at 2 in the morning, all drunk and lovie dovie. WHY!? I am not sure how I can put in words what I am feeling right now. So I am just going to stick with a three-letter word. I’m SAD. I don’t know how to face you about this. And I don’t know how to pretend like I’m okay and go on this week, heading to the weekend which is when I am throwing you a big birthday party with your friends. I wish I am a better actor. But then again… why act?

More on this story later. I promise you all to make time to update you about my life and about who exactly this boyfriend of mine is (+ his relationship with his ex). Please read and comment. I need your support again. Scratch that. I’ve always needed your support. I am sorry for leaving you abruptly for so long. But I am back now.


Friday, December 3, 2010

pain in the heart...


I dunno what's wrong with me... There's so much sadness in my heart right now. I really need to get over David. Why is it so difficult? I've been listening to love songs like a silly boy all day long :(
and he's meant to be just my best friend! Why does it hurt so much? FML! I am a good catch; I'd be able to find someone to love me in due time, if I could wait long enough. It's his loss! Why am I not moving on? Ugh! Why is it soooo easy for him not to like me back the way I like him? Why is it so easy for him not to want me as badly as I want him? Why am I hurting? Why is it easy for him to tell me about how he wishes he could get it on with that guy I introduced him to? Why is he so hurtful? Why the pain? Why the heartbreak? Why am I so silly? Why can't I just move on?

Do I need a rebound guy?
I feel like being slutty and getting it on with random guys at a club or something... Ugh!

I have so much love to give... I am so desperate for romance right now!

PS: My roommate is gonna be away for the weekend so Imma have the room alone. I am thinking of going to some gay club and bringing some stranger(s) with me for the night(s)... I guess I just need to fool around in order to feel better or at least get myself to move on or something -_-

broken heart... burning tears,

Friday, November 26, 2010

my first college heart-break


and Happy Thanksgiving to y'all!
so... time for a juicy post!

First of all, I wanna let you know that I've kinda sorted out the issues with my roommate. I talked with my RA, the director of my dorms building and the college director of housing. Now they all know I am gay (ha ha ha) and support me. It's fantastic to pull out the emotions card and make myself sound vulnerable and in need. So at the end I decided to schedule a one-on-one with my roommate in order to talk through everything and let him know what exactly bothers me and how I want us to respect each other more. So he was very cooperative (yay!) and now he's gonna unbunk the beds while I am away for the Thanksgiving break and from now on, he will no longer share my personal life with anyone!

Going back to the juicy talk.. so I wanna tell you guys about this boy named David. He is like my bestest friend at university. We have a lot in common (same uni schedule - we have the same major, same general interests, same sexual orientation, similar childhood experiences, etc...) We hang out together all the time. We walk to/from class together, study together, go for meals together, watch movies together, etc... We are kinda inseparable. We have the same group of friends and everyone loves us and thinks we are the cutest thing ever. We are both closeted gays so people think there's just bromance between us. Anyway, we are attracted to each other and have fooled around at some points (not all the way though). However, David has many interpersonal issues including not being able to move on after his break-up with a boyfriend he once had. As his bestest friend, I've been there for him and helped him through a lot. We both see a counselor to talk about our life challenges and set up goals. I used to see  the counselor before David and when I realized how helpful he is, I recommended him to David. David had been making great progress since then. I have developed serious feelings for him but he seems that he has not developed his feelings for me as much. He does tell me that he's attracted to me and whatnot but it does not seem like he wants me as badly as I want him. According to what my counselor has told me and what David tells me too, he does not want me to be more than his bestest friend. He is afraid that us becoming boyfriends (and if things don't turn out that well) that we'd lose the amazing friendship we've been building. So I've been there for him as a great friend and he doesn't wanna let me evolve to something more... It really hurts, given that I am ready to do anything to make him my boyfriend... But there's really nothing I can do but accept his wish and so I am trying to move on. I wish I could meet someone that I would like (and like me back) soon enough which would help me move on faster... I really HAVE to move on coz I would never ever want to me with someone who wouldn't like me as much as I would like him or want me as badly. I know I am a good catch and if David doesn't want me to be more than his best friend, then it's his loss!

By the way I am in New York City for Thanksgiving break and I am there with David, in an apartment, sleeping on the same bed! Could life be any more hurtful?


Friday, November 19, 2010

Roommate issues


So since I haven't blogged in a while, I thought Imma be posting slowly by slowly about people that have been playing part in my college life and somehow affecting it - positively or negatively. Now Imma write about my roommate. So let's give him the name Mario. So Mario is gay (as I told ya before). He used to say he's bi at first but one time I sat him down and asked him if he would ever do a chick. He said "Hell no. Vaginas are disgusting!" So I made him admit he's gay and not bi. By the way he works at the college LGBTQ center and he's quite out and about.

When I traveled a few weeks back for that conference, he bunked the beds in our room without asking me first. That pissed me a lot. Now every time I mention the topic (i.e. finding a compromise or so) he says yeah yeah and changes the topic or leaves the room. I can no longer study on my bed coz of the little lighting it has and I keep hitting my head... (he took the top bed! Ugh!).

Anywayz, that's not the only thing he's done to piss me off, beside the fact that his friends come over to my room to pre-game almost every weekend and the fact that he once got soooo wasted and vomitted all over the room. 2 weeks ago, I found out from a good friend of mine (to whom I came out lately but told her to keep it a secret) that he's been outing to people without my permission. I GOT SOOOO ANGRY! So the story is that he's told his 3 close friends and also other people from my floor -- randomly. When I confronted him he did not show much caring and went like: "What's done now is done! There's nothing much you can do no, Sam! I'm  sorry... Get over it!" WHAT THE FUCK!!?!? He clearly cannot relate to my situation since we  come from different cultures and backgrounds and if being has been easy for him, it has been PAIN IN THE ASS for me (not the good type lol). All in all, he never really cared to find out more about my issues and why exactly I cannot be out. I really do not want my parents to find out because that's not something I plan on doing in this lifetime (facebook is dangerous + I have a cousin who goes to my same college). So I've talked with my RA (residential assistant) about this incident and she's lesbian by the way. She showed me her support and has communicated the issue with the other RA and the dorms' director (and they're both gay). We might end up having a mitigated discussion with my roommate and one of them (I cannot really talk with my roommate by himself because it hurts to talk with him and sense his careless attitude). Moreover, I am meeting with the dorms' director this afternoon -- he wanted to check on me and go through some possible solutions. Changing roommate might be one approach (because I can no longer trust my roommate and hence I do not feel very safe in my room).

Yesterday night, when I got back to my room, I found out that my roommate has left me cupcakes and a letter on my desk. In the letter he apologized again and talked about how it's been awkward between us lately. He said he hopes I can forgive him and that I do not lose trust in him. I texted him saying: it takes courage and enough caring to write that letter, which I really appreciate. There's so much going on my mind right now and I need time to think through things. Don't mind the awkwardness. Somehow, at the end of the day, everything would be alright. I really don't know how to feel about this whole issue and I don't know how to behave, react, etc....

That's it for now. I gotta run for class


Imma be back

Hello y'all

Have you missed me?
So I just thought of coming back to blog world because -- truth be told -- I need to blog from time to time as no matter how many friends and counselors I have out there, sometimes I just need to vent out stuff without having them commenting or even knowing about the stuff on my mind. I understand that I haven't blogged in ages, which means there's a lot to update you about but Imma be able to do that shortly and trust me... despite the tons of things which happened.. I'm still myself deep down and my journey of struggles is not gonna end any soon. There's a lot on my mind right now... some sadness yet some achievements... and many goals to work for.

I have a lot of exams before Thanksgiving break so I might not write much before then but please do stay tuned coz Sam is back! =)

Sunday, October 10, 2010


Hello everybody!

I missed you all - so much! FML I don't know how to put into words all that I feel. I would like to assure you all that I am doing great. College is treating me great. I already have my circle of close friends - we call ourselves a family. I have a few crushes, but I don't feel ready for anything serious at the moment - I am still kinda emotionally drained. I am not out nor in - I am just myself. I am sure my close friends suspect I am gay but no one asked me directly in the face yet (one actually did but that's when he was drunk so I said No) and I don't know how to react when they do. But I know they did talk behind my back once about whether I am gay or not lol and this didn't make me feel bad or anything. A girl friend asked my roomie if I am gay and he told her he doesn't know (coz that's what I asked him to say). They'll probably find out soon enough.

Besides, my classes are good. They're very demanding coz I am taking pre-med but I am hoping to develop the discipline of work ethics and not let shitload of work pile up. I've had two exams so far and I got 2 As (Human Bio + Chemistry). Besides, the campus is gorgeous! I love it, despite the fact that I have so much running around to do as I go from class to class. It's ok though... I'll have sexy legs and freshmen 15 hopefully won't affect me :)

My roommate and I get along well but he doesn't seem like the guy who would be there for me when I need a heart-to-heart convo. He used to say he's bisexual but we all know that he's plain gay. He's like very flamboyant and social but totally not my type (slightly fem, very skinny, baby looking, well he's good looking but not hot enough for me). He knows I am gay and we joke around and gossip but he doesn't show too much caring when I try to tell him deep stuff about me. But that's OK coz we're friendly with each other and all has been under control (except when he gets sooo drunk, which is not happening as often anymore).

I am getting in touch with my parents from time to time. They miss me so much... Surprisingly, I am not homesick at all :/ Yay! They say I don't talk to them enough but that's mainly coz of time difference and the very little time I ever get to spend online. I dunno... I've been cold with them ever since I started accepting myself and I don't know how to combat this.

I am wondering whether to come out fully... there are many factors that come to play when I think about it. I am seeing an LGBTQ counselor once a week to talk about my issues and I have joined a confidential gay discussion group that my counselor organizes - We meet once a week and talk about our lives.

I don't know what else to ramble about... You guys got any question?

Another reason for which I haven't posted in ages (beside how busy college is) is that I am thinking about not blogging anymore. It's been such a journey and I don't know how to thank you guys for all the support you've  provided me with. There are many reasons that have lead me to deciding not to blog anymore and I am happy to discuss them with you if you're interested. I feel like now I need to work on my in-person friendships and relationships. It's a new chapter in my life and I wanna try to build strong friendships that would last and bring me happiness. To blog or not to blog.... I am even thinking about starting a whole new blog if I get time... Bleh! I dunno what to do.


Monday, August 23, 2010

off to a new chapter


PS: Very quick post.
I am traveling tonight to the US... College here I come!
I have mixed feelings... excitement and anxiety. But I am sure everything will be alright. I am excited to meet all the new friends I've met online, especially my roommate who will be waiting for me there, already...

Please wish me all the best! May God bless my family and keep them safe. And may God enlighten my way there...

I hope I get to post soon enough despite how busy and hectic my first week(s) will be.

Love, always

Thursday, August 19, 2010

juicy updates!


OMG… so much has been happening. I NEED to update you guys! Sorry for not posting in a while. I was busy and kinda lazy… Imma make it up now with a LONG post, full of juicy updates.

Coming out to Mom n sisters?
So I didn't REALLY come out to Mom and sisters. They definitely thought I was joking coz they never mentioned it again. Well... they also kinda asked it in a joking way (when they did) which is probably why they didn't take me seriously when I said my "yes". I am sure they didn’t believe me coz they still talk to me about having a girlfrriend and getting married, etc. But oh well, I am not complaining coz I am not ready AT ALL to deal with coming out to my family at this stage of my life and I really rather leave it for when I am done with my studies and no longer need to live with them (although these are not the reasons why I don't wanna come out to them, I’m somehow financially independent by the way). I simply don't want to upset them coz if I confirm to them that I am gay then they would be sad forever... I know that they're suspicious about me and all but they're in huge denial and trying to ignore it. You know.. being gay to them is like a disease that is faaaar from reaching our family. So I won’t come out to them any soon! Thank God I live abroad… Less than a week of hiding is left!!

Family time
So in the past few days I got to bond with my family. We went on road trips here and there, went to restaurants, went to church, etc. I hope they liked it. I’m so blessed to have such a tight family and I feel so bad to be kinda cold and detached with them but I can’t help it. I also hate how not so religious I’ve become. I actually miss that spirituality I used to feel before I started accepting myself. I used to pray more and feel the divine presence around me…  I miss that feeling but at the same time I understand that it’s natural for young people to go through such questioning phases and become not-so-religious… I just hope I get that spirituality again soon! By the way I went out for dinner at this very fancy restaurant yesterday night, with Mom and sis. The food was great, at the candle light and I am sure Mom loved being with me and my sis for the night. Moreover, I’ve been partying a lot with my older sister and her friends are really cool. They all like me! Yay! I can see that there are some closeted gay guys in their circle of friends haha. It’s so funny to look them in the eyes and have thoughts in mind! ;)

Sandra and Mark
Sandra passed by my place last week with her gay friend Rudi. It was a surprise to me coz she didn’t tell me they’re coming so I was glad to see her. We talked and laughed. I was able to be myself with them and so it felt good. Apparently, Rudi was my classmate when I was in KG2 coz he saw our class photo in my room haha. Tiny world! By the way I am VERY angry at Sandra coz we haven’t hung out much together this summer. Before I came back she always used to tell me about how much fun we’re gonna have together and how we’ll get together very often and now I realize I’ve only seen her like twice and I’m about to leave soon! I won’t even ask to see her and say Bye if she doesn’t initiate!! :/
Gay Mark still chats to me now and then. We still haven’t met up and I don’t think we will… I don’t really care to.  He told me a few days ago while we were chatting that he knows I’m Bi although I’ve never come out to him. He also said he wouldn’t believe me if I said: NO! I didn’t deny it or anything… He’s got a good gaydar, I know! Haha

I still didn’t finish the book(s) I need to read before college and I’m moving there in less than a week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! I am so excited yet a bit anxious too. I hope I look decent on the moving in week coz looks do have quite an influence as we meet people for the first time. I am already friends with a number of freshmen over there (some of whom are gay) and so I hope our first encouter doesn’t feel awkward. We’ve been chatting for some time but we may not be able to ignore the awkwardness at first. FML. I started sorting out my packing today coz I have kinda finished all my necessary shopping and I have lotsa new and sexy clothes so I’m happy!! (Mom complained about how much clothes I have lol) There will be a lot of stuff to do as soon as I get to the states: open a bank account, buy a phone + number, buy a laptop, buy my uni books, shop for dorm stuff, sign up for courses and other activities, etc. I am not sure if I’ll get to blog then… but I’ll try my best. My roommate and I are gonna get along so well, I can feel it!! haha I am sure he's gay! :P

So lately I’ve been feeling quite happy about myself and my life. I really can’t compplain coz everything seems to be going well and I’m quite happy with what I’ve got. To make things even better!! I just heard that I got selected to travel for this global conference thing (I won’t mention its name) which is VERY highly reputated. So I’d get to meet world leaders from all walks of life and represent the youth of my country and region. I have lots of speaking roles to attend so they want me to go there for training a week before the forum starts (which is in 2 months). I hope my college professors give me permission to be absent from class for that long coz I don’t wanna miss that amazing opportunity.

So that's more or less what I've been up to... Please comment and let me know what you think... and give me advice!! Hope all is going well on your side!!


Sunday, August 8, 2010

I came out to my Mom and sisters


So how is everybody doing? 
You've actually read it right. I think I've come out to my Mom and sisters... Lemme tell you how that went:
So I spent yesterday at my aunt's place coz I was giving her son some Maths lessons since he's kinda weak in that. The rest of my family came over after lunch to chill. My mom was tired (she gets migraine) so she went to take a nap. Later, my sisters and I went to the room where Mom was sleeping to check on her.. so we sat on  the bed next to hers and we were all talking, gossiping and joking. Then my sister asked me why have I straightened my hair and styled it in an emo-look. She said it looks gay. So I said I just find it cool and sexy :P Then my sisters and Mom went on about how I seem a bit weird lately. So out of the blue I told them: "I'm thinking about giving belly dance lessons for my friends at college. haha" They all laughed and so I was like: "Put on some music so I show you how well I dance." My older sister (Christene) started looking for appropriate music on her phone and then Mom asked me: "Sam, are you gay?" My sisters stopped and stared... I didn't reply, so Christene added: "Are you gay or maybe Bi?". I smiled and said "Yes!" and went quiet a bit... Then I kinda changed the topic and they never mentioned it again. 

So... I didn't lie! right? Maybe they took it as a joke or something... coz like being gay is a disease in my family's book. It's this alien thing that is too far from reaching my family. And they reacted really cool about my "yes" and didn't ask me to elaborate or anything... so they probably didn't take me seriously. I don't know :/

That same day I went out in the evening with my sister's guy friend. He offered to take me out coz my sister was busy and couldn't go along. Plus he said he finds me cool so I was like Yay! lol He took me to this pub where he sings and offered me two double Vodka glasses. I just chilled by the bar, observed people and had time to think. I didn't sleep much at night when I got back coz I was thinking - plus it was too hot!! I went to bed at 3 and stayed awake until 6. I only fell asleep for like 3 hours coz I was awake by 9. Oh there's a guy I wanna talk to you about!! I think he's Bi and I'm going out to see him tonight. We're going for karaoke but I won't go gay or anything. I'll stay under the radar and enjoy the eye-candy lol So I'm going now for a shower and get ready. I'll ask him if there are Gaga or Adam Lambert songs and see how he reacts HAHA